Shakespeare

Characters

Henry

Thomas

Richard

Jane

Lucy

(A restaurant.  The 1600’s.)

Lucy:  …And then we banished the five-headed ogre to the future.

Thomas:  Into which year?

Jane:  Oh, we picked a group of random numbers.  Two Zero One Seven.

Richard:  But won’t that just—

Lucy:  Calm yourself, Richard.  I’m sure in the future they have better ways of dealing with the supernatural than we do here and now.

Henry:  These witches of ours surely are clever, aren’t they boys?

Jane:  Good thing for us witches, or that fiend would have eaten half the town.  And nobody would be talking about your opening night, Henry.

Richard:  Truly a marvelous performance tonight, Henry.

Thomas:  Here, here!

Lucy:  Better than the Old Globe some might say.

Jane:  Well let’s not go that far, Lucy.  It was leagues from perfection, surely.

Henry:  Jane is right.  We are but amateurs, after all.  But we play our parts with passion, nevertheless.

Richard:  Regarding the theater, I must say—You know who’s killing it these days?

All, but Richard:  Who?

Richard:  William Shakespeare.

Henry/Thomas/Lucy/Jane:  I knew that’s who you were going to say./He’s incredible./I’m obsessed with him./He’s so attractive, I wish he would just marry me, but I’m past my child-rearing years, so it seems unlikely.

                (A beat.)

Jane:  Sorry, weren’t we all just talking at once?

Richard:  Did you all see Romeo and Juliet?

Lucy:  I didn’t see that one, but I heard it was good.

Henry:  I saw it.  I couldn’t believe he had the courage to kill them both off like that.

Lucy:  Henry, you miserable goatsack, did I not just say I hadn’t seen it?

Henry:  Well, it ran for weeks, Lucy.  You can’t say you’re obsessed with Shakespeare, and then miss something like Romeo and Juliet.

Lucy:  I—

Henry:  And then get mad when a true admirer, such as myself, wishes to discuss his work.

Jane:  But there’s so much you can discuss, Henry.  Hamlet for example.

Thomas:  I saw it three times.  My word, I don’t think I shall ever get sick of seeing Hamlet.  As far as I’m concerned, every idiot who thinks he can act should play Hamlet at least once from now until the end of time.

Lucy:  Careful Thomas, it’s the witching season, and anything said around Jane and myself could wind up becoming true.

Henry:  Is that so?

Jane:  It’s so.  Therefore, watch your language, boys.

Richard:  I should like to Shakespeare’s plays done in all sorts of ways.  Not just the way they were intended to be performed, but with wild concepts and in ludicrous new versions.

Lucy:  Richard, why would you ever hope for such a thing?

Richard:  I just love seeing the things I enjoy taken apart.  I suppose that’s because I’m the son of a clockmaker—or because I secretly enjoy murdering people.

Henry:  Did anybody see Othello?

Richard/Jane/Lucy/Thomas:  I saw that one three times too./I dream of playing Othello, but then again, I am a woman, but moreso than that, I’m a white woman and even though at the moment that doesn’t present a problem, I suspect that sometime in the future, it will./Ob-sessed./Oh yes, I very much enjoyed it.

                (A beat.)

Jane:  Oh dear, I must get the hang of this simultaneous speaking device.

Thomas:  I hear he’s working on a play about Antony and Cleopatra.

Lucy:  Are you jesting?

Henry:  I would die.

Thomas:  It’s true.

Richard:  Oh, how perfect.

Henry:  I—would—die.

Jane:  Pity you’ll never get tickets.

Thomas:  Oh, I’m sure you will if you’re patient.  Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra?  It’ll run for years.

Jane:  I prefer seeing the original cast perform it.  Once the replacements get ahold of one of his plays, it’s never the same.  I missed seeing the original Ophelia by two days, and I’ll never forgive myself.

Richard:  What happened to the original Ophelia?

Jane:  He died of consumption.

All, but Jane:  Ahhh.

Henry:  I remember that.

Thomas:  I saw the original.

Lucy:  Did you, Thomas?

Thomas:  I did, and as far as I’m concerned, if you missed seeing him, you needn’t bother seeing Ophelia done by anybody else, because it’ll never compare.

Henry:  You’re a real donkey’s elbow, do you know that, Thomas?

Thomas:  Don’t be jealous just because I saw the best Ophelia and now he’s dead.  It’s not my fault that I care so much about the arts.

Jane:  Is it true they plan on reviving Much Ado?

                (Groans from ALL.)

Lucy:  Did they not just do a production of it two months ago?

Henry:  And was it not five hours long?

Richard:  I do enjoy Master Shakespeare, but can he not find someone to shorten his plays a bit?

Lucy:  I agree.  By the end of Julius Caesar, even I was ready to stab someone.

Thomas:  Do you all go to the theater just to complain about long it is?

All, but Thomas:  Yes.

Richard:  That’s part of the experience, Thomas.

Jane:  We’re just being silly, darling Thomas.  Were we not just praising Master Will for his talents?

Henry:  He truly is having a moment.

Lucy:  He’s got a very strong brand.

Thomas:  A what?

Lucy:  He was branded by that theater-owner after a particularly nasty bar fight.  It looks as though he heated up a German stein and then pressed it against Will’s side.

Richard:  How would you know of that, Lucy?

Lucy:  Ladies talk, Richard.  I know more than one who’s been enjoying the company of Master Will recently.

Henry:  A bunch of star-snoggers, no doubt.

Lucy:  Call them what you like, but I’m envious.  I’ve never spent time around a true genius.

Richard:  Surely, he’s not a genius, Lucy.  He’s a writer.

Jane:  Some might say a genius writer.

Richard:  An oxymoron if ever there was one.

Thomas:  Even I have to agree.  I do treasure his work, but he’s not an inventor or a great thinker.  He’s simply an artist who puts pen to paper and creates a tapestry of words that will surely linger forever in our collective unconscious.  Anyone can do it.

Henry:  I’m going to side with the women on this one, gents.

Richard:  Do you really consider him a genius?

Lucy:  I do.

Jane:  I do as well.

Henry:  He’s killing it.

Richard:  Next thing you know, you’ll be saying he should run the country.

Jane:  I don’t see why not.

Thomas:  A celebrity in charge of government?  What a preposterous idea.  Only a band of nitwits would find such an idea appealing.

Richard:  Thomas is right.  Leave the art to the artists and do not bestow upon them the heavy name of ‘genius’ for it shall surely crush them in time.

Thomas:  I concur.  After all, Shakespeare is not reinventing the wheel.  All his stories are based on other stories or historical record.  He’s not coming up with anything new.  I simply enjoy his take on things.

Lucy:  Lord above, what I wouldn’t give for an original story.

Jane:  I don’t mind hearing an old tale retold.  It’s like hearing an old song you love to sing.  It eases the mind.

Richard:  Still, it wouldn’t hurt to go a bit further with the reimagining, would it?  Perhaps the next time they do Romeo and Juliet, the lovers survive?  That way Lucy can still be surprised.

Lucy:  Now what am I supposed to see Friday evening?

Jane:  They’re doing a series of readings at that theater by the water.

Lucy:  Readings?  I can barely stay awake at a play.  You expect me to pry my eyes open for two hours while people read to me?  Really, Jane.  Don’t be daft.

Thomas:  And don’t meddle with excellence, Richard.  Shakespeare’s plays are fine as they are.  Except for The Taming of the Shrew.  That’s utter garbage.

Henry:  Pure trash.

Jane:  Heinous nonsense.

Richard:  Drivel.

Thomas:  That’s one I wouldn’t mind sending to the future.

Jane:  Thomas, do you really think people in the future will still be doing an awful play like Taming of the Shrew?

Lucy:  Of course not.  They’ll be too busy fighting monsters.

Henry:  Perhaps then they won’t have any time to see theater.

Thomas:  Oh, I hope not.  Think of all the wonderful things they’d be missing.

                (Murmurs of agreement.  End of play.)

The Phone

Characters

Rob

Alan

(A car.  ROB is driving.)

Rob:  That thing had five heads.

Alan:  I know.

Rob:  Five heads.

Alan:  I know, I know.  Watch the road.

Rob:  I was like—Yup.  We are out of here.

Alan:  I wasn’t spending one night in that house.

Rob:  Nobody in their right mind would stay in that house after what we saw.

Alan:  I mean, I know we just bought it, but—

Rob:  Who cares?  There were actual demons living in it.  We’ll get our money back.  It's better than getting eaten by a hydra, or whatever that thing was.

Alan:  Right?  Aw babe, I have to say, I’m really proud of us.

Rob:  You are?

Alan:  Yeah.  You know how, in, like, movies—the married couple witnesses all the signs of a haunting and they stay in the house anyway?  We are smarter than every couple in every movie ever.

Rob:  Well, that’s because it’s a movie.  In real life, when your bed moves itself across a room and the bathroom mirror has ‘Satan’s Niece Lives Here’ spelled in blood, you get the hell out of there.

Alan:  Agreed.  Can we stay at a Marriott tonight?  I’m so stressed out.  I don’t think I could handle a Hilton.

Rob:  We can stay anywhere but that house.

Alan:  You're right.  Anywhere's fine--as long as it's not below four stars.

                (A beat.)

Alan:  Um, do you have my phone?

Rob:  What?

Alan:  My phone.  Do you have my phone?

Rob:  No, why would I have your phone?

Alan:  I asked you to grab it while we were leaving.

Rob:  I don’t think so.

Alan:  No, I did.  I said, ‘Rob, get my phone.  It’s charging by the wall.’

Rob:  Well, maybe I was a little distracted by the five-headed demon chasing us down the stairs.

Alan:  Okay, can we not make this about the demon?  I’m asking you about my phone right now.

Rob:  I don’t have it, Alan.  I was fleeing for my life.

Alan:  Right, okay, but to be fair, you did manage to grab your suitcase.

Rob:  Yeah, I have stuff for work in there.  That’s important.

Alan:  But you didn’t think my phone was important?

Rob:  Your phone isn’t important.

Alan:  Okay, that’s hostile, but I’m going to put a pin in it for a second.  Are you saying that you left my phone back at the house?

Rob:  I guess I did, Alan.  Are we seriously going to fight about this right now?

Alan:  No, of course not.  I just wanted to know if that’s where it was.

Rob:  Because we just escaped, like, an Amityville situation—

Alan:  I know.

Rob:  Barely, by the way, barely escaped.

Alan:  I’m aware.

Rob:  --So I think we should just be grateful that we’re even alive.

Alan:  And that one of us managed to save his suitcase.

Rob:  Oh my god.

Alan:  Sorry--his very important suitcase.

Rob:  You can't be--

Alan:  It’s fine.  I don’t care.

Rob:  Alan—

Alan:  I mean, it’s not like it’s the newest model or anything.

Rob:  This is--

Alan:  It’s not like I just got it two days ago.

Rob:  Why didn’t you grab it if it was so important to you?

Alan:  Because I was taking care of the dog.  Because I’m always taking care of the dog.

Rob:  That’s because it’s your dog.

Alan:  Oh, it’s my dog when it needs to be saved from a five-headed demon, but it’s your dog whenever you need likes on Instagram.

Rob:  That’s not true.

Alan:  It’s not?  Who set up the PeteThePup Instagram account then?

Rob:  That was you.

Alan:  The Snapchat?

Rob:  Okay, that was me.

Alan:  Thank you.

Rob:  I don’t know what to tell you.  We can go back and get the phone tomorrow.

Alan:  Don’t be crazy.  We nearly died in that house.

Rob:  I know.

Alan:  We need to go back tonight.

Rob:  What?

Alan:  The phone isn’t safe there, Rob.  The demon might steal it.

Rob:  Alan—

Alan:  It might hack into it and change my profile photo.  Or throw it against a wall or something just to punish us for getting out of there.

Rob:  Alan—

Alan:  It’s very fragile.  It can’t take that kind of trauma.

Rob:  We are not going back to that Hellport to get your iPhone!

Alan:  Fine.  Just turn around and drop me off.

Rob:  You’re joking.

Alan:  I’ll get it myself since it’s not important to you.

Rob:  You don’t need your phone.

Alan:  Don’t tell me what I need, Rob.

Rob:  That thing had teeth where it’s eyes were supposed to be.  You won’t make it out of the alive.

Alan:  If I can survive two weeks at your father’s lake house every year, I can survive whatever that thing is in our house.

Rob:  I’m not turning around.

Alan:  Would you turn around if your sister Amy was stuck in the house?

Rob:  …Yes.

Alan:  Okay, well then pretend my phone is your sister.

Rob:  A phone is not a human being.

Alan:  Your right.  That phone costs twice what I would pay for a human being.  Even an attractive one.

Rob:  I’ll buy you a new phone.

Alan:  No, you won’t.

Rob:  Yes, I will.

Alan:  Tonight?

Rob:  What?

Alan:   Will you buy me a new phone tonight?

Rob:  It’s almost midnight.  How would I get you a new phone tonight?

Alan:  Then we need to go back.

Rob:  Why do you need your phone tonight?

Alan:  Because I have a photo of the demon on my phone and I need to filter it before I post it tomorrow.

Rob:  And that’s going to take you all night?

Alan:  Rob, do you think I just put one filter on a photo and call it a day?

Rob:  Oh my god.

Alan:  I have to go through multiple filters—layering one on top of another—adjusting contrast and shadows each time.

Rob:  This is surreal.

Alan:  And that’s when I’m working with a good subject.  Did you see how pale that demon was?  The saturation I’m going to need to use probably hasn’t even been invented yet.  We’re talking at least three different apps before that fourth and fifth head look presentable.

Rob:  Why are you worried about making the monster look good?

Alan:  It’s not about making the monster look good.  I don’t care about that.  I’m not out of my mind.

Rob:  Well—

Alan:  It’s for maximum likes.

Rob:  What?

Alan:  Rob, I have a photo of a real life paranormal creature in my phone.  If I play my cards right, and find the right shade of sepia, I could be looking at a thousand likes.

Rob:  A thousand likes?

Alan:  Maybe two.  I’m not throwing away an opportunity like that.  But we have to act fast.  Somebody else could get to the house and take a photo while we’re gone.  Some idiot who just throws up photos online without any regard for how many likes they’re going to get or what time of day they’re posting or what hashtags they use.  We’ve been given a gift, Rob.  We can’t just throw that away.

Rob:  Okay, I’m turning around.

Alan:  Thank you for understanding where I’m coming from here, babe.  I really appreciate it.

Rob:  Oh, I’m not going back for the phone.  I’m going to stay at the house tonight.  You can take the car when we get there.

Alan:  But why—

Rob:  Because if it’s you, your phone, the filters, and the Marriott or a five-headed demon—I’m going to take my chances with the demon.

                (End of Play)

Mondays

Characters

Morgan

Richard

Amy

Joe

Jennifer

(A restaurant.)

Morgan:  Jen, you were so good in the show.

Amy:  You were amazing.

Jennifer:  Thank you so much for coming.  I know it’s tough when it’s Thanksgiving weekend and you’re trying to spend time with your family.

                (A beat.  They ALL laugh.)

Joe:  That was great.

Richard:  I don’t even know if I have a family anymore.

                (More laughter.)

Jennifer:  By the way, I got dinner tonight.

                (Protests from the group.)

No, no, no.  It’s fine.  I’m already in the red from all the Black Friday shopping I did this morning, I might as well.

Amy:  Didn’t you say you were having some trouble with your bills though?

Jennifer:  I mean, yeah, but when you owe as much as I do, it’s not like you can afford to worry about money.

Morgan:  Hey, by the way, I just want to say this, and get it out of the way—Can we not talk about politics tonight?

Amy:  I totally agree.

Morgan:  I just want one night away from all the negativity, you know?

Jennifer:  What would we talk about anyway?  I mean, we’re all on the same page, right?

Joe:  Yeah.  The four of us are liberals, and Richard’s a Nazi.

Richard:  Okay, in my defense, I thought that Facebook page was an Indiana Jones appreciation group.

Morgan:  Seriously though, no mention of He-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named, okay?

Amy:  Totally.

Jennifer:  Yes.

Joe:  No problem.

Richard:  I could go my whole life without talking about him.

Jennifer:  Yeah, especially after what he just did with Monday’s.

                (A beat.)

Amy:  What happened with Monday’s?

Jennifer:  Oh sorry!  I forgot about that.  It was, like, breaking news right before I got here.

Richard:  Oh.  I haven’t looked at my phone.

Joe:  Me either.

Morgan:  That’s because we’re enjoying each other’s company.  Not focusing on whatever awful thing POTUS just did, right?

All:  Right.

                (A beat.)

Joe:  So…

Morgan:  Okay, but since we’re all going to fixate on it now—Jen, what happened with Monday’s?

Jennifer:  They’re part of the weekend now.

Morgan/Amy/Richard/Joe:  Huh?/What?/What do you mean?/Really?

Jennifer:  Yeah, apparently, he realized his poll numbers were super low, so he was like, What do I do?  And he thought by giving everybody three-day weekends from now on, we’d all just, like, be so happy that we’d overlook all the other horrible stuff he’s done.

All, but Jennifer:  Ohhhh…

Morgan:  Well, obviously, that’s not going to work.

Amy:  No.

Jennifer:  Oh my god, can you imagine?

Richard:  It’s kind of sick that he would pull something like that.  I mean, that’s a total abuse of power.  You can’t just give us another day off every week.

Morgan:  What an idiot.

Joe:  Uh…so…that goes for schools and stuff too, right?

Jennifer:  Yeah, I mean, he basically made every Monday, like, a non-business day, so—

Joe:  And I’m a teacher, so…

Amy:  Joe, you’re not happy about this, are you?

Joe:  No—Nooooo.  Not happy.  Not at all.  I am mortified by this.  This is…mortifying.

Morgan:  Then why are you smiling?

Joe:  I’m not.  (He is.)  I am not smiling.

Richard:  You guys, wait a second, that Nude Yoga Cooking Class I wanted to go to is on Monday afternoons!

Amy:  Why is it on Monday afternoons?

Richard:  Because only people without jobs have time to go to something like that.  But now I can go!

Morgan:  Richard!

Richard:  (Taking out his phone.)  I’d better enroll now before the class fills up.

Morgan:  Richard, you’re missing the point.  You can’t take Monday’s off.

Richard:  Uh, it sounds like I kind of have to, Morgan.  The President said so.

Morgan:  He’s trying to manipulate you—us—all of us.

Richard:  Okay, well, I still hate him, but I’m not going to turn down a day off where I can improve my flexibility and learn how to make risotto.  That would just be stupid.

Amy:  Richard, by taking that day off, you’re condoning what he’s doing.

Richard:  No, I’m not.

Morgan, Amy, and Jennifer:  Yes, you are!

Jennifer:  You too, Joe.

Joe:  What am I supposed to do if there’s no school?  Show up and watch videos of the Civil War by myself?

Richard:  Why can’t we treat this like Columbus Day?  We all hate it and think it’s wrong, but as long as it’s still a holiday, we might as well eat brunch and day-drink.

Jennifer:  But I mean, where does it end?  What if he keeps giving us days off every time his approval ratings drop?

Amy:  Oh my god, what if we end up with a three-day work week?

Jennifer:  Exactly!

Amy:  That would be amazing.

Morgan and Jennifer:  Amy!

Amy:  Okay, to be fair, you two like your jobs.  The three of us hate our jobs.  You don’t know what this means for us.  I might be able to cut my anti-anxiety medication in half if this keeps up.

Morgan:  Enjoy it all you want, but as soon as someone else gets elected or that possessed Teddy Ruxpin doll gets impeached, the Monday’s are gone.

Joe:  Unless we protect him.

Morgan and Jennifer:  What?

Joe:  Listen, I made tentative plans in my head for the next two years worth of Monday’s, and you snowflakes are not going to screw that up for me.

Morgan/Jennifer:  Joe!/Joseph!

Richard:  And if I sign up for the cooking class, that means a deposit for the first six weeks that I will not get back if POTUS gets impeached or I end up getting bored like I did with that Weaving and Windsurfing seminar.

Amy:  And my manager isn’t even there on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so that means I’d only have to deal with him two days a week from now on, and that means I can finish my writing on those days when she isn’t there not to mention all the extra writing I can do on Mondays although I probably won’t because I feel like I’ll want to make Monday a self-care day, so then I guess not much is changing other than that now I’m getting a self-care day, but that means I’ll be in way better shape when I get my writing done on the other days and if you two love me you will NOT MESS THIS UP FOR ME BY VOTING FOR SOME TREE-HUGGING LOSER WHO DOESN’T UNDERSTAND HOW BADLY THE STORY OF ALLISON NEEDS TO BE TOLD!

                (A beat.)

Joe:  Who’s Allison?

Amy:  The character in my YA novel.

Jennifer:  You all sound like lunatics, and I hope you know that.  Morgan and I are the only sane people left in this—

Morgan:  Uh, Jen, you know what?  Let’s not go throwing around words like ‘sane’ and ‘lunatics.’  It’s very judgmental, and also, very disrespectful to those dealing with real mental health—

Jennifer:  Oh no, they got you too.

Morgan:  It’s just that—Okay, so you know how I’m always saving I would love to throw Bloodrun parties at my house, because we all watch it, but I can’t, because I always have to be up so early on Monday’s?

Jennifer:  Yeah.

Morgan:  Well, if I don’t have to get up and go to work—

All, but Morgan and Jennifer:  Bloodrun parties!

Jennifer:  You’re unbelievable.

Amy:  Jennifer, don’t you want all of us to hang out more?  We barely see each other.

Morgan:  And Bloodrun parties would be a great excuse for all of us to hang out.

Richard:  And Monday brunch.

Joe:  And Tuesday brunch if the Democrats don’t screw it up for us by sabotaging the Commander-in-Chief.

Morgan:  Think about all of us hanging out every week at my house—or, you know, Amy’s house, because why should I have to host every week.  That doesn’t seem fair.

Amy:  Oh, totally.  I’ll definitely host at least once or twice every few years.  I would love to.

Jennifer:  I can’t believe all of you have been—Wait a second, my phone is buzzing.  I’m getting another alert.

Amy:  Is everything okay?

Richard:  He didn’t take back the Monday’s, did he?  Because I literally just signed up for a Monday afternoon Cheese and Chalk Making Workshop.

Jennifer:  No, uh, I guess he’s decided to wipe out credit card debt.

Morgan:  What?

Richard:  Like all credit card debt?

Jennifer:  Yeah.  I guess, uh…all of it.

Joe:  Wow.

                (A beat.)

Jennifer:  You know, I really think we need to give him more of a chance.

Morgan/Amy/Richard/Joe:  I agree./You’re right./Yup./Exactly.

                End of Play

Better Than Broadway

Characters

Linda

Bill

Frank

Mike

Kelly

(A restaurant.)

Bill:  I have to tell you two, that show was just incredible.

Linda:  Wasn’t it?  It was just wonderful.  You all played such good parts.

Frank:  I don’t know how you remembered all those lines.

Kelly:  Uncle Frank, you say that every time you see me in a show.

Frank:  And it’s true every time.  I don’t know how you do it.

Linda:  You’re just up there talking like it’s nothing.

Bill:  Saying things.

Linda:  Like it’s no big deal.

Frank:  I don’t know how you do it.

Linda:  Not a clue.

Mike:  Well listen, as great as it that we’re both making our Broadway debuts, it’s even better that we get to do it with each other.  Right, babe?

Kelly:  Aw Mike, you’re going to make me cry.

Mike:  I don’t care if the show closes tomorrow.  At least I can say me and my wife got to do our first big New York show together.

Linda:  Isn’t that so sweet?  Bill, did you hear that?

Bill:  I heard it.  Is anybody getting the scallops?  I want to know how they’re cooked.

Frank:  You could ask the waitress.

Bill:  I’d rather let somebody else order them and find out that way.

Linda:  I couldn’t get over that part in the show where the elevator—

Kelly:  Mom, let’s not spend all night talking about the show, okay?  We just performed it eight times this week.

Mike:  And we barely get to see you and Mr. Johansen and Uncle Frank.

Frank:  I think they sat me under the vent.

Kelly:  Yeah, let’s talk about you guys.

Bill:  How do you think they cook their fish here?

Frank:  It’s like cold air blowing right on my head.

Mike:  What’s been going on back home in Rhode Island?

Linda:  Well, funnily enough, Kelly’s sister Jennifer has been doing some theater of her own.

Kelly:  Really?  Jen’s doing theater now?

Linda:  Yup.  She was inspired by her little sister, and she’s in this play at Cumberland High School called Harvey.

Mike:  Oh, I was in Harvey once.  It’s a very funny show.

Kelly:  It’s a classic.

Bill:  It was stupendous.

Frank:  We loved it.

Linda:  Your sister was so good.

Kelly:  That’s wonderful.  I’m so happy to hear she’s doing that.

Linda:  We went out with her after the show, and some people from the audience were there and they were just gushing.

Frank:  It was like being out with a celebrity.

Mike:  That’s great.

Linda:  The show was so good.

Frank:  Very good.

Bill:  Better than Broadway.

                (A beat.)

Kelly:  Well, Dad, I don’t think you mean it was better than…Broadway.

Bill:  Maybe not better, but it was just as good.

Mike:  Uhhhhh, are you sure about that?

Frank:  It was very entertaining.

Kelly:  I’m sure it was, but, I mean, you just saw a Broadway show, so—

Mike:  I mean, I know you all haven’t seen a lot of stuff on Broadway, but even this one show compared to what you—

Linda:  I don’t know.  I think it’s all wonderful.  As long as it’s got a good message, I like it.

Kelly:  You can like it, Mom, but to say that it’s as good as what you just saw us do—

Linda:  There’s no need to get competitive.

Kelly:  I’m not—

Linda:  She’s always so competitive with her sister.

Kelly:  Jen is a physical therapist.  I’m an actress on Broadway.  If life was a theater competition, I would be the winner.  Hands down.

Bill:  Why are you getting so upset?

Mike:  I think what Kelly is trying to say is that—

Kelly:  I think I said what I was trying to say, Mike.

Mike:  Don’t snap at me.

Kelly:  This is just ridiculous.

Frank:  Both shows were very good.

Kelly:  No, they weren’t.

Frank:  What?

Kelly:  Both shows were not very good.  I mean, maybe Harvey was good for, like, Cumberland High School, and our show was good for Broadway, but that is not the same amount of good.  There are levels of good.  You can’t just throw the word ‘good’ on both of them and call it a day.  Do you not know how scaling works?

Bill:  I got on the scale at my doctor’s office last week.  Guess how much weight I lost after my gallbladder operation?

Frank:  Are we going to order soon?  I wanted to stop at the store in Times Square that only sells thin mints.

Linda:  Kelly, I don’t know why you’re so upset.  We liked both things.  Yours and Jennifer’s.

Kelly:  Mother, I can’t believe—

Mike:  Kelly, I’m not trying to interrupt you.

Kelly:  But you are.

Mike:  Because I think that maybe if we explain to your family why our show is different from what they saw at the uh, uh—

Bill:  Cumberland High School Cafetorium.

Mike:  --Right.  Then maybe they’d see that they’re really, very different.

Linda:  So you’re going to give us some behind-the-scenes gossip?

Mike:  Well, not gossip, but—

Linda:  Did anybody die when something fell on their head?

Bill:  Are you all in the union?  Do you get your bathroom breaks?

Frank:  Have you met Bernadette Peters and is she nice?

Mike:  No, I meant, like—Okay, so we are in a union and we do get paid.  I’m assuming Jennifer didn’t get paid for Harvey.

Linda:  No, but they all got these adorable t-shirts with the show’s name on them.

Bill:  Do you all get t-shirts?

Kelly:  No, we don’t get—

Mike:  We do not.

Bill, Linda, Frank:  Oh.

Mike:  But we perform for hundreds and hundreds of people eight times a week.

Bill:  Were there hundreds of people there tonight?

Mike:  There were, yes.

Bill:  Didn’t look like that many.

Mike:  Well, our show has had some trouble at the box office, but—

Frank:  Most of the balcony was empty.

Mike:  The reviews weren’t that great, so—

Linda:  The Cumberland Times gave Harvey a great review.

Kelly:  The Cumberland Times is a free newspaper you pick up at the 7-11!

Bill:  Jennifer made the front page.

Linda:  Harvey sold out every show.  The cafetorium was packed.

Kelly:  How many performances did they do?

Linda:  Three.  Jennifer said she was exhausted.

Kelly:  We did three shows this weekend.

Linda:  You weren’t really onstage that much, Kelly.

Frank:  Do you think we could get them to shut the air off?

Bill:  Jennifer barely ever left the stage.

Mike:  I guess we’ll just have to agree that—

Frank:  --That you all knew your lines.

Linda:  You did.

Bill:  Very proud of you, kids.

Kelly:  Really, Daddy?

Bill:  You bet.  You’re my little star.  And Mike, you were like a movie star up there.  I was telling everybody—That’s my daughter and my son-in-law.

Linda:  He couldn’t stop bragging.

Frank:  He was stopping people in the lobby.

Bill:  I thought I was gonna bust.

                (A beat.)

Kelly:  Daddy, thank you.  That’s very sweet.

Mike:  We really appreciate it, Mr. Johansen.

Bill:  You’re my pride and joy.  The both of you.

Linda:  Mine too.  We’re just so happy for you.

Mike/Kelly:  Thank you./We love you.

                (A beat.)

Bill:  And Jennifer.

Kelly:  Oh god.

Bill:  Absolutely.

Mike:  I—

Frank:  She’s got real talent.

Mike:  But we—

Kelly:  Let it go, Mike.

Linda:  Now, what are we going to eat?

Kelly:  I’m not hungry.

Bill:  Well, I guess when you’re not onstage that much, it’s hard to work up an appetite.

                The End.

Play God Only Knows

When you were a kid

Every night

I’d sit by your bed

And you’d say—

‘I’m not going to sleep’

And I’d say ‘Okay’

And we’d sit there

The two of us

And I’d sing to you

And you’d say—

‘Stop, stop’

Because I have

The worst voice

In the whole world

And I’d say—

‘I’ll stop when you go to sleep’

And you’d groan

And roll over

And I’d keep singing

I’d sing anything—

Motown

Showtunes

Italian art songs

Whatever I could think of

And you’d say—

‘Dad, you’re going to run out of songs’

And I’d say—

‘Not until you fall asleep’

And this would go on and on

And your mother would be in the next room

Yelling at me

To leave you alone

Because eventually you’d get tired

And pass out

No matter what

She wanted me to turn off the lights

And close the door

And leave you by yourself

But I…

You know, I couldn’t do that

Because that’s what my dad used to do to me

He’d leave me alone all the time

And I didn’t like it

I remember laying in bed

Wishing I had a dad like Joey Rio’s Dad

My best friend in third grade

Was named Joey Rio

And he used to tell us

That his Dad sung to him every night

And wasn’t that so embarrassing?

And we’d all go—

‘Yeah, Joey, yeah’

But secretly?

I wanted a Dad like that

Joey Rio became a doctor

And I didn’t

And I always thought

That was because

His Dad sang to him

And mine used to turn out the lights

And go drinking down the street

With Uncle Pat and Uncle Tim and Uncle This-and-That

You never saw so many uncles

I had a thousand of ‘em

And they’d all be in the living room

At three in the morning

Shouting and swearing at each other

And if I opened my bedroom door

Even a crack

To ask them to be quiet

Or just to see what they were doing

My father would holler at me

With this voice

That sounded like it was coming

Straight out of the ocean

And if I didn’t close that door right away

Well…

So I didn’t sleep much

When I was kid

And the only time I could get to sleep

Was when I’d put ‘Pet Sounds’ on

And if put the record player right by my bed

Sometimes I could fall asleep

Pretending it was Joey Rio’s Dad singing to me

Instead of Brian Wilson

So I grew up

Because what else could I do?

And I had you

And every night

You’d say ‘I’m not going to sleep’

And I’d say ‘Okay’

Because I wasn’t going to argue with you

And I was used to not sleeping

I had a lot of practice at it

So I figured I could stay up all night with you

If I had to

Didn’t bother me

Didn’t bother me at all

But I’d sing and sing

And you’d force yourself to stay awake

And your mother would swear at me

From the next room

And that was our night

Every night

But then…

Your eyes would start to close

And I’d hear your breathing get a little slower

And you’d ask me for my hand

Even though your hand was so small

It would only fit around one of my fingers

Then I’d sing your favorite song

And that would be the last thing you’d hear

Before you went to sleep

And after you were asleep

I’d say—

‘I’ll be here when you wake up’

And I always was

Because you were all there was

And you know,

The thing about being a parent is—

You know that one day

Your kid isn’t going to need you

To help her fall asleep anymore

And one day

She’s going to leave you

And you keep on being you

And you wake up

And you live a day here

And a day there

And you go to sleep

But life—

It’s not the same, you know?

Until one day

Your kid brings home

Her own kid

And the kid’s crying

And won’t go to sleep

And your daughter

She says to you—

‘Dad, He won’t go to sleep’

And you say—

‘Okay’

And you tell her

About when she was a kid

And she wouldn’t go to sleep

And then you sing your grandson

His Mom’s favorite song

And you think—

This must be what that song’s about

All those years singing it

And you think—

This must be it

The Morning Announcements

Hello and sit down

And don’t make noise

Or pretend to burp

Or burp

Even if you have to

You can wait

You can wait five goddamned minutes

To burp

Okay?

Okay

Wait, can they—

Okay, because there used to be an echo and—

Well, there used to be

And there isn’t one now

I’m thrilled

I’m thrilled there’s no more echo

But there used to be an echo

And now there’s not

And that’s a little concerning to me

I’m a little concerned about that

But I’ll push past it

I’m pushing past it

I’m fine with it

It’s old news

Speaking of olds news—

The Devils are in the play-offs

Go Devils

Was anybody else surprised

That we had a rugby team?

I mean, I had no idea

That we had a rugby team

I was really shocked

To find that out

Mrs. O’Connor handed me the morning stats

And I was like—

Rugby?
Really?

And they’re called The Devils?
We have a team called The Devils?

That doesn’t seem right

We’re a high school

We shouldn’t be promoting—

I mean, we’re a public high school

But still we—

Okay, now the echo is back

Now I’m hearing the echo again

Can you hear that?

I mean, it’s sort of comforting

To have it back

It’s a Wednesday

I’m not really big on changes

Unless they happen

On a Monday

But if it’s—

Okay, now it’s gone again

Jesus Christ

Okay, so the Devils

Go Devils

Glad you, you know

Exist

Wendell Tomoa

Tah-moh-ah?

Tah-mah?

Tah-moh?

Tamale?

I don’t know

Anyway

He won the spelling bee

And Kristen Lee Manicure

Or, wait—

No, it is Manicure

Ugh, who are these kids?
Anyway, she won the Geography Bee

And Brian Hogarth

Won the Science Fair

So all those kids are winners

And two of them have weird names

But that’s okay

Because the world isn’t for the simple, kids

It’s for the complex

That’s your thought of the day

From me, okay?

Free of charge

I’m having a bad day today, kids

A really not good day

And I’m not going to go into why

Because what you really need to take from this

From my day

Is that not all bad days

Are bad for a reason

Some are just lousy

Sometimes you just feel lousy

And that’s fine

There’s no story to that

It just is how it is

And you gotta keep going

And by the afternoon announcements

Maybe I’ll feel better

And maybe I won’t

Who’s to say, right?

I’m not to say

You’re not to say

It’s just something to be—

Yeah

But anyway—

Congratulations to all of you

Even the simple among you

Because you’re here

You made it another day

And this day’ll be gone before you know it

And then you’ll get another one

To try on for size

How’s that?

Sound good?

Well, it doesn’t really—

Oh boy, the echo’s back

I’m telling you

It’s going to be a really

Awful

Day

A Majesty of Sound

You know

We have this trouble sometimes

With northern preachers

They just—

You know, they come down here

And they whisper

All soft and sacrosanct

To the point where—

I’m telling you, listen

Now this isn’t me being funny

I’m really meaning this stuff

—To the point where

Everybody’s leaning in

Like this—

Leaning all the way in

—So they can hear

What these fellas

Have to say

Now, when Jesus was speaking

Do you think

He made people lean in?

Got folks on the mountain

Folks on the hills

Folks in the thousands

Clamoring to catch a word
And you think he was whispering?

Hell no, he wasn’t whispering

He shouted

Jesus shouted

And we forget that

We forget that the man

--I mean, he must have had to

Really get that word out there

And why not?

It was a good word

Wasn’t it?

Why not shout it?

That’s what I wonder

These northern preachers come up here

Calling themselves priests

And I tell ‘em

Look, you can be a priest

In New York City

But down here

You’re a preacher

And get yourself a girlfriend

If you feel like it

Might wake you up

A little bit

Oh, they get scandalized

When I talk like that

Gets their tails up

You know what I mean?

But my mama spoke the word to me

And when she did it

She was so loud

They could hear her

Two counties over

And she wouldn’t put up

With none of this

Whispering and soft spoken

Bullshit

Daddy was quiet

But he was a very ill man

Couldn’t raise his voice for nothin’

So Mama had to do it

For the both of them

Sing the praises

Heap joy onto us all

Because I came from—

Well, it was a very big family

Back then, they were all

Big families

Everybody was one

Big family

I remember when my baby sister got baptized

Mama held her in the water

And yelled so loud

I thought she was going to wake up

Folks in Australia

Then she lifted up my sister

And the world went quiet

A new blessing had been bestowed

And there was a hush
And a cresting of a silence

That was louder

Than any sound

I’ve ever heard in my life

But it was born out of noise

Out of calamity

And an excess

Of sound

Praise be, I thought

As my little sister coughed

And scrunched up her face

And started to cry

Praise be

To all that

Heavenly

Majesty

A Majesty of Sound

That’s a name for a sermon

I’d have to do it though

The northern boys

Wouldn’t shout it loud enough

They’d make you lean in

Me?

I want you to lean back

I want to throw my noise at you

And have it blow you right back

Up to Heaven