I Can See a Solar System

I can see a solar system

I can see my dog, Chaz
Sliding around on comets
And complaining
That the cats up there
Have even longer claws

I can see Topeka
And Raleigh
And Tallahassee
And Des Moines

I can see fractions
Dividing into decimals
Turning into criss cross
Turning into over and under
Turning into my cousin
Who takes Algebra
Seven years early

I can see Sacramento
I can see Honolulu
I can see Austin
I can see Providence
I can see Albany

I can see the planets
And I can see Pluto
And Pluto's not a planet
And I can see the others
And I can count rings on Saturn
And my uncle lives there
And he's tanned all the time
And it's cold in Canada
And nobody loves him

I can see paste and glue
I can see crayons
I can see olive
I can see gray
I can see mauve
I can see pastels
I can see primaries
I can see expensive interiors

Indianapolis
Atlanta
Baton Rouge

I can see the world
And I can see around the world
And I can see the rocks and salt
And everything
And all of it
And the world

I can see a solar system

And it's a lot

It's a lot

If I Can't Be Young

If I can't be young
I'm going to act like I'm young
And talk like I'm young
Smack gum like I'm young
Eat barbecue wings
Like I'm young

If I can't be a kid
I'm gonna kid around with kids
In jeans and sneakers
And reek of almost legal drugs
And tug on my fingernails
With the tips of my teeth

If I can't be fresh
I can still test the best
With the rest of them
Festival atmosphere
Is still where I like residing
Coinciding with my memories

If I can't be me
The me I used to be
When I ran marathons
Of creativity

Then I don't wanna be around
But I'm still here, right?

So for tonight I'm young
And tomorrow we'll see
But if I can't be young
What else am I gonna be?

That's Going to Be His "Thing" Now

Oh great

That's going to be his "thing" now

That's going to be that thing he does

To try and make us laugh

Long after

We find it funny

We laughed now

And now we're going to pay

Because he is going to do it

NON-STOP

Until he finds something else

He thinks will make us laugh

It's going to be on our Facebook walls

He's going to text it to us--all the time

He's going to bring it up at parties

Like it's a fond memory

'Hey guys, remember that time I wasn't annoying because I came up with something whimsical to say? Wasn't that amazing?'

We shouldn't have laughed

We should have smiled

Just smiled

A smile is nice

But it's not encouraging

But instead we laughed

And now we're going to pay

Because now

That's going to be his "thing"

If These Shoes Could Speak

If these shoes could speak

They would talk about the party

Where they walked on marble

Making loud clicking noises

Like an important woman

Like a f**king celebrity

Like that, like yeah

If they could speak

They'd say get out of my way

I'm going down carpet now

I'm traveling to Marketing

To fire someone

Just because I can

Just because I want to

Just because it's Monday

Just 'cause, just cause?

Not so much

If they could speak

They'd speak from the heel

And let the tongue roll down

To the toes

To the good stuff

To the bitch

To the filth

To the f**king amazement

Of everyone they walk by

If they could speak

They'd ask for dry rock salt

And sandstone and cobalt

And crazy eights

And cacophony

And cherry red lace lingerie

And a man with a name

That begins with an "R"

If they could speak

They would speak

But they don't

For a reason

Because if these shoes could speak

I doubt you'd want to hear

What they have to say

No Mom, I'm Not in Jail

Mom, Mom, Mom
Mom, Mom, Ma
Mom, Mom, Mom

Calm down

I'm not--

No, wait
Just wait
Okay, but--

Mom!

No, don't get Dad
Mom, stop crying
It's okay
I'm not in--

Mom, Mom, Mom

No
No, I'm not
No, I'm--

No Mom, I'm not in jail

I'm in Palermo
I just--

Palermo

Palermo in Italy

I'm in Italy, remember?

Can we establish Italy?
Can we at least recall Italy?
That I was going to Italy
That you knew this
That this was fine
After you started taking the--

Are you off the drugs?

Mom, Mom, Mom

Are you off the--

PALERMO!

No, I have not been kidnapped

Mom, they don't want a ransom
Mom, no--

No

Mom

No ransom
No kidnapping

Yes, I know you have no money

Why are you saying you'll miss me?

You wouldn't try to come up with SOMETHING?

I'm not--

No, but if I was--

MOM!

PALERMO!

Can you just fax me my itinerary?

Mom, my itinerary--

No, 'Itinerary' is not a town in Italy--

No, no, it's not
It's not, Mom
Mom, it's not
It's not, it's not
Mom, Mom

I'm in Palermo

No, not a JAIL in Palermo

Just Palermo

In a villa
I'm in a villa
A villa like a villa
What do you think villa--

No, villa does not mean jail in Italian

Look, there's a fax machine here
A fax machine
And I need you to fax me
My itinerary

Can you do that?
Can you--

No, don't make Dad come home from work
You have a fax machine in the house
The itinerary is my room
Just FAX IT TO ME!

. . . . .

Okay

Okay

Okay

Thank you

Yes, I have my bottled water

No, no political coups yet
But I have my fingers crossed

Yes

Yes

Yes

I love you, too

Yes, I'm sure I'm in jail

I'm hanging up now

I'm--

I'm hanging--

Yup, I'm--

Okay--

Wait, who's that?

Did you just conference call Dad?
Have you been conference calling Dad
While we've been--

JESUS!

...Hi Dad

Ernest at the Cathedral

It is a nice place to meet
Is it not?

It is
It is a nice place
It is

And this bench is never free
We are very lucky
To have this bench free

And it is a nice place
It is
It is

Perfect view of the cathedral

I have never been inside of it
Never
Not once
No, no

But I have admired it
From this bench
Many times

A man does not walk into a cathedral
When he has abrasions on his soul

These are offensive to God
This is what I was taught
From the time I was young

But it is a beautiful cathedral

Sometimes it snows
And the snow covers the ground
But not the cathedral

Sometimes it rains
And the rains wets the streets
And the people in the streets
But not the cathedral

Sometimes someone stops
Stops
Right where they are
And they stand
And they stare
And then something happens
A car horn
Or a yell
And they break
And move away
Feeling embarrassed

That is what the cathedral does
It reminds you
That there is such a thing
As majesty

It recalls a time
When people believed
That Heaven had a floor
That hung just low enough
So that you could touch it
With your prayers

They built these massive places
To show God
How much they loved him

To show him that they could fill
These enormous halls
With hope and love
And dedication

When I was at my lowest point
I could not fill up a closet
With anything more
Than two shirts
And my revulsion

The only thing I did right during that time
Was to stay away from the cathedral
A place I loved so much

Because I didn't want God to see
I didn't want God to see me

So I would sit on this bench
When it was free
Which sometimes it wasn't
And sometimes it was

Or I'd sit somewhere else
Or another bench
Or on the ground

And I would look
And I would pray
And I would ask
To be good enough again
To go back in

And now I'm old
Old, yes, old

And I'm almost there
I'm almost ready
To go back in

But until then
It is nice out here

Yes, very nice

And very nice
To watch the people stop
And look up
At Heaven

The Villain Does His Taxes

Koala food
Deduction

Little John Tesh
Is a co-worker
So when I feed him
It's a business lunch

Especially when I feed him double agents

JOHN TESH! DON'T EAT THAT MI-6!
YOU'LL BE SICK FOR WEEKS!

New Death Ray
Deduction

Again, business expense

The last Death Ray I purchased
Actually DID work fine
But I had to buy another one
Because sometimes I like to pull a Death Ray
Out of my left hand pocket
And sometimes I like to pull a Death Ray
Out of my right hand pocket

I like to have the option
To be ambidextrous

Even though when I fire with my left hand
I usually only maim, rather than kill
At which point it's not a Death Ray
But rather, a Maim Ray
Which sounds like an aquatic--

Anyway, deduct it
It's a business expense

All those trips to Ohio
Deduct them
That's where my secret evil lair is

Find me?

Please!

Nobody ever looks for anybody
In Ohio

I'd have a bigger chance at being exposed
If I lived in the Great Barrier Reef

JOHN TESH! DO NOT PUSH THE RED BUTTON!
IF YOU BLOW UP ONE MORE AFRICAN COUNTRY
SO HELP ME GOD!

He's been acting out
Ever since I got the girl koala

I did it to give him company
But they don't get along

MARY HART!
MARY HART, STOP TEASING JOHN TESH!
IT'S HIS TURN TO GO INTO THE CHAMBER OF DEATH
WITH THE PRIME MINISTER!

Okay, back to business

Tickets to see Billy Elliott
Deduction

I took my friend, Evil Larry
And then we blew up New Guinea

So it was an evening of business
And dancing exuberance

All right, so how much am I paying?

. . . . .

Uh......huh

Well, luckily I'm an anarchist
Who doesn't believe in taxes
Or government
Of any kind

Otherwise, I'd have to sell one of the koalas

And let's just say--

Mary Hart is NOT working out