How to Market a Terrible Show

      (The marketing department of a theater. ROBERTA and MARTA are finishing up a meeting.)

MARTA:  ...And the last one we're getting is The Pelican Brief.

ROBERTA:  They made a musical out of The Pelican Brief?

MARTA:  Yeah, it only ran for about a week on Broadway.

ROBERTA:  And they still did a tour?

MARTA:  Well, you know, New York is such a snooty market. They might have thought it would do better in the heartland.

ROBERTA:  Are we the heartland?

MARTA:  To New York theater producers, anything that isn't Midtown is redneck country.

ROBERTA:  Okay, what do we want to use to promote that one?

MARTA:  Just say 'hit Broadway musical.'

     (A beat.)

ROBERTA:  But you said it only ran a week?

MARTA:  It did.

ROBERTA:  Sooooooo how was it a hit?

MARTA:  Well, it--it's a title everybody knows.

ROBERTA:  Right, but--That doesn't make it a hit, does it?

MARTA:  The movie was a hit.

ROBERTA:  But this isn't the movie.

MARTA:  Uh well--

ROBERTA:  Did it get good reviews?

MARTA:  Ummmmm no.

ROBERTA:  Did the people who saw it like it?

MARTA:  The people who saw one of the handful of performances it did?

ROBERTA:  Yes.

MARTA:  I don't know. I'm sure one of them must have.

ROBERTA:  Should we try to...find that person?

MARTA:  Why?

ROBERTA:  So they can talk about liking it?  Maybe that's the route we could take?

MARTA:  Just make up a poster that says 'hit Broadway musical.'

ROBERTA:  But it doesn't sound like a hit.

MARTA:  For our purposes, it's a hit.

ROBERTA:  What purposes?

MARTA:  Needing it to sell.

ROBERTA:  But do we need to, you know, lie?

MARTA:  We're in marketing. It's not a lie. It's spin.

ROBERTA:  Feels like a lot of spin to call a musical that ran for a week a 'hit.'

MARTA:  A smash?

ROBERTA:  That's even bigger than a hit.

MARTA:  A treasure?

ROBERTA:  Because the American theatergoing public buried it with the expectation it never be discovered again?

MARTA:  Roberta, we have to make this show look attractive.

ROBERTA:  I mean, the actors in the materials they sent us are very good-looking. 

MARTA:  Those aren't going to be the actors in the tour. That's the Broadway cast. Picture the people in the materials they sent us and imagine what their second cousins would look like.

ROBERTA:  Can't we just make people aware that the show is happening?

MARTA:  That might not be enough to make them want to see it.

ROBERTA:  It sounds like the more we tell them about the show, the less they're going to want to see it.

MARTA:  What if we call it 'heart-warming?'

ROBERTA:  It's The Pelican Brief.

MARTA:  'Bold?'

ROBERTA:  It's The Pelican Brief.

MARTA:  'Searing?'

     (A beat.)

ROBERTA:  It's The Pelican Brief.

MARTA:  Wait wait wait--How about 'based on the hit movie?'

     (A moment.)

ROBERTA:  Yeah, that'll work.

MARTA:  Great. Now, we need to talk about Spongebob.

ROBERTA:  I quit.

     End of Play

Swim

I never knew

What I was supposed to do

On a warm Sunday night

I had them

Put them in the pool

Because I wanted to

Invite people over

To sit by the pool

Go for a swim

And just do nothing

I found a place

With a nice view

And I’d invite people over

And we’d talk about

How beautiful the view was

And people would come over

And I’d serve them drinks

And sometimes they’d stay the night

And sometimes lots of people

Would stay the night

And I’d go to bed

On Sunday

And my house

This big house

Would be full of people

And on those nights

It felt like

I beat back the loneliness

That I’d felt my whole life

But then…

You wake up

On Monday morning

And your house is a pigsty

And you have all these…

Empty bottles

All over your house

There are people sleeping

Everywhere

And you want to throw them all out

But you don’t want to be inhospitable

And you’re wondering

Why you were so happy

To have them there

Just the night before

And why you’re a totally different person now?

Is it possible

We like being lonely

On a Monday morning?

That we need to be

Or something--

Something doesn’t feel right?

So you make breakfast

For everybody

Because you’re nice and you--

Okay, that’s a lie

You order breakfast

For everyone

You don’t make it

But everyone eats it

The donuts and the coffee

And then they leave

And then you get to work

And it takes a few days

Before you want to see people again

Before you…

Feel that need

To be around others

And have them

Fill up your house

But Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday

Those are all days

You’re fine being on your own

Even when the weather is nice

Even when the pool

Is just sitting there

Waiting for someone

To come swim in it

Sundays are always

The hardest

Because no matter

How anti-social you might be

That’s the day

You feel off

Unless you ask a bunch of strangers

Who call themselves your friends

To come over

And take a dip

One of them

Looked at me last week

And complimented the house

And my, uh, how did she put it--

My outstanding taste

I told her

The house was decorated that way

When I bought it

And I never got around

To redecorating

Because I didn’t think

I’d be living in it that long

I don’t know

Who lived here before

But I was the one

Who had them tear out

The old pool

And put in the new one

A new pool

Shaped like a square

Instead of a circle

I never liked circles

I’m not really sure

Why

Ricky Takes the Marshmallow Test

So you’re telling me

If I don’t eat the marshmallow

Right now

Then in fifteen minutes

You’ll give me another marshmallow?

Okay, but…

How do I know

I can trust you?

I trust very few grown-ups

The list is--

My Mom

My Dad

My Grandma

My Teacher...from Last Year

End of list

I just met you

I don’t know

That when you come back

You won’t just

Tell me

That you checked

In the back

And couldn’t find

Another marshmallow

And--

Oh, by the way

Now the marshmallow

I gave you

Has gone stale

I can’t take that chance

Besides, if you leave

And you come back

And the marshmallow is gone

How do you know

That I’m the one
Who ate it?

I’m not saying

It will be me

But I’m saying

You won’t have any way

Of proving

That somebody else

Didn’t come into the room

Take the marshmallow

And abscond with it

Then, if you come back

And tell me

That there isn’t

A marshmallow in whichever room

You keep the marshmallows in

Then I’ve lost out twice

And been the victim

Of a marshmallow-napping

Imagine if you were responsible

For inflicting that trauma

Onto a poor, innocent child

Who only came here

In the interest of helping science

And receiving a minor stipend

In the form of a gooey marshmallow

If I’m being honest

This marshmallow doesn’t even look

All that fresh

But I was willing

To keep that judgment to myself

Since I know these kinds of experiments

Aren’t funded the way they should be

Because our government

Doesn’t value unraveling

The mysteries of the mind

But for you to ask me

To sit here for fifteen minutes

Just to learn a thing or two

About delayed gratification

Is an affront to me, Dr. Sir

That you would even assume

I have fifteen minutes to waste

Just because I’m a young lad of seven

Is an insult to youth everywhere

Do you think I don’t have

Things to play with
And television to watch

And weird stuff to put up my nose?

This entire experiment

Has already produced lackluster results

As far as I’m concerned

And I think you should shut

This entire lab down

And try swapping out marshmallows

For money the next time around

If you tell me

Not to pocket a hundred dollars

Because in fifteen minutes

I’ll get two hundred dollars

I will happily wait

Because while I still won’t trust you

If someone tries taking the hundred from me

Or you come back without the two hundred I was promised

I have a few uncles

Who could guarantee

That I get what was assured to me

I’ll take this marshmallow

And I can come back

In a few months

When you’ve gotten yourself together

But I would recommend upping your game next time

Because even the juice boxes

In the waiting room

Were all orange

With no fruit punch option

I expected more, Dr. Sir

I really expected more

The Fisherwoman and The Giant Trout

The fisherwoman’s husband

Went out and did not come back

She was sad, of course

Because her husband was a kind man

But he had always set his eyes

On the mountains

And when a man falls in love

With a mountain

There’s no preventing his climb

That left the fisherwoman

In her little hut by the sea

Wondering what next

Would take up her time

When she returned from the ocean each day

The catch of her morning trip

Gone undiscussed

One day, upon returning home

She found the door to her hut open
And she imagined

That her husband had scaled his mountain

And had come back

To resume their life together

But when she entered the hut

She found a giant trout

Sitting at her kitchen table

Having a cup of tea

The fisherwoman did not panic

Because a fisherwoman

Should never be surprised

To see a fish

No matter how big or the size

Of its teacup

She made herself a cup of tea

With two cubes of sugar

And sat down across from the trout

To listen to its story

The trout had washed up

Right in front of the fisherwoman’s hut

And seeing how cozy and comfortable

The hut looked

The fish invited itself in

Despite knowing how impolite it was

And hoped that the owner of the domicile

Would not mind

It turned out that the fisherwoman

Did not mind

And she invited the trout

To stay for as long as it liked

Little did she know

That the trout was a magical trout

And so that night

After the fisherwoman had made up

A bed for the trout

In the room that once housed

Her husband’s doll collection

The trout worked its magic

And allowed three of the fisherwoman’s dreams

To come true the next day

That’s why when the fisherwoman woke up

She found herself in another house

A much larger one

And with plenty of rooms to explore

And wander through

When she went out to her boat

It had grown in size

And was the mightiest vessel

She had ever seen

Offering her the chance

To sail the world

And see sights previously unknown

To any person on earth

The third dream might seem

To be obvious to you, the person

Experiencing this story

For the first time

You may think

That she dreamt

Of having her husband return

But her husband had his own dreams

And so he’d need to find

His own giant trout

Or seek out making

His dreams come true himself

Instead she dreamt of satisfaction

Because she had been unsure

Of what her life might be like

If she had to spend the rest of it

By herself

The fisherwoman couldn’t know

That her new boat

Would take her to beautiful places

Where she would make wonderful friends

And some would return to her new house with her

And she’d spend many days and nights there

Having lovely conversations

And meals

And making new memories

While her husband was climbing mountains

In Nepal and elsewhere

But the dream wasn’t for company

It was for contentment

Whether there was company or not

And that was what she was given

From the trout who had tea

In her kitchen

The day she returned

From the sea

As for the trout

It returned to the water

And lived a very happy life

Swimming around

And making other dreams

Come true

But that is a story

For another day

A Watched Pot Promises It Will Boil

Look, if you just

Turn around

For, like, five seconds

I promise you

I am going to boil

This water?

This water is so great

And you did such a good job

Of filling me up with it

And the way you turned on the oven?

Oh my god

If I didn’t know better

I would think

That you, like, invented

The oven

This is an amazing oven
In a beautiful--

Did you design

This kitchen yourself?

Because I have never

Seen such a gorgeous kitchen

And I--I mean, I haven’t

Tried to boil in any other kitchens

But when I was in the store

I was in this, like, display kitchen

And it was--pretty tacky

Didn’t feel lived-in at all

Just not convinced

As far as kitchens go

And I can tell you something--

There’s no way

I was ever going to boil

In that kitchen

Not that I could

Because the oven they had in there

Didn’t actually work

But even if it did work

There was no way

I was ever going to boil on it

Whereas this oven

In this kitchen

Is so great

And you are so great

And the way you salted the water?

Did you get that

From, like, a professional chef?

Because that is genius

I cannot even express to you

How amazing this water

Feels right now

It is like the Dead Sea

In this pot

And meanwhile

The water is heating up

And I know you’re hungry

I know you’re hungry

And I am so sympathetic to that

Because even though I cannot feel hunger

You know, as a pot

That doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate

That you haven’t eaten

And that you’re kind of in a rush

Because you want to eat before it gets too late

Because you think eating late at night

Is a bad thing for, like, weight gain

Even though I think

That might be an old wives’ tale

But, um, the thing is

You didn’t have to go over your ex’s house tonight

And I’m not judging you

For that decision

But, this is, like, the fifth time you’ve gone over there

And you two have talked and talked

And you always think

The night is going to end

With you two getting back together

And it never does

But you keep going over there

And you don’t even bother

To have dinner first

And your ex never has any food in their fridge

Which always drove you nuts

When you were dating

So now you’re starving

And you’re looking at me

Like I’m supposed to just boil

The minute you apply some heat

And I just feel like

That’s an unfair amount of pressure to put on me

When I’m only at stage one

Of what I’m supposed to do

Because we all know

You’re going to make that one-pot pasta thing

You saw in that magazine that one time

And now every time you make it

You think you’re Martha Stewart

But you’re not martha Stewart

Because, actually, the way you make it

Is slightly wrong

But you don’t even know that

Because you have terrible taste

Like, I don’t actually think you can taste anything

Like, I would look into that

If I were you

And maybe that’s something you can Google

Somewhere away from me

WHILE I BOIL

Or, like, you know

Hang out

And, I’m sure I’ll be boiling

In a minute or two

Or three

Really kind of hard to say

Lots of factors

Lots of things to consider

So just, you know, be understanding of that

You can wait, right?

Right?

RIGHT?

I mean, like, you really

Don’t have much

Of a choice

Right?