Saturday, April 7, 2018

Call Me Dorothy

You have to imagine me as Dorothy


I mean, she did a good job
She was fine
I loved it
Of course
I’m not saying she wasn't
Fine
I mean


But if you could have seen
What I did with Dorothy
It was just--


It’s just a shame
Because Judy was great
But I wish the world
Could have seen my Dorothy, you know?


I just wish
I could have contributed that
To, in general, the world


At large
The world at large


You should have seen my choices


They asked me to do ‘Over the Rainbow’
I was like--


‘Oh, I’ll do “Over the Rainbow”’


So I did sort of a--


More of a talk/sing kind of
Thing with it?


Which is my thing
The talk/sing
That’s like my signature
For the most part


They asked me to do the scene
Where the mean lady
Takes Toto
And I just sort of
Stoically
Gave her the dog
Like--


‘Yes, by all means, take him.
I have no use for him’


And then as soon as she was out the door
I just started screaming
And clawing at Uncle Henry’s face
And oh my god
You should have seen the look on the studio head’s face


You could tell
He didn’t know what to do with me
And usually
That’s how you know you have them


But this time around
They just played it safe


First they went with Shirley Temple
Then Judy
And then it was probably
Going to be me


So--I mean I was close


I was really close


And I was ready to commit to it too


I threw out every shoe I owned
That wasn’t red


I threw out every dress
That wasn’t blue


I bought a farm
A real farm
With a lamb
I mean, I was committed

I never did find out
What happened
To any of those other animals
But I remember the lamb
Being in the bedroom
When I found out they went with Judy
And then everything went black
And I woke up in Nova Scotia

I know I probably should have waited
Until I got the role
Or even a callback or something
But I was just so ready


For a year nobody was allowed
To address me
As anything but Dorothy
And then I thought to myself--


Huh


They haven’t called
Shouldn’t we be filming the movie by now?


Turns out
It had already been in the theaters
For six months
And I just didn’t know about it
Because I was too busy on the farm
Taking care of the lamb


Hahahahaha

Man, Hollywood is nuts


And if you’re like me
You have to try really hard
Not to let it get to you
But--


My Dorothy?


That would have been a real treat
You can bet the, uh--


Your life


You can bet your life on that


But I guess Judy was fine


She was sort of, uh…


Well, she was fine


She wasn’t my Dorothy, but--

I guess she did okay

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