No Thanks

It’s not about having a good life

It’s about maintenance

That’s the thing about it

Getting all this?

That was easy

Maintaining it

Was the hard part

Mom called me yesterday

And she wants me to move home

Just because I’m out of money

I’m like—

Mom, I’m not moving home

I love LA

And she’s like—

You’re out of money, Steve

And I’m like—

Okay, so send me money

Be a problem-solver

Not a problem-mention-er

She’s just really negative lately

And really dismissive of my dreams

And what I’m trying to accomplish here

I mean, money’s not everything

It’s not the only factor

That determines

Whether or not you’re a success

I have three hundred thousand Instagram followers

I’m pretty sure I’m killing life right now

So I don’t know why she’s talking to me

About, like, throwing all this away

And going back to Scoville

What the hell am I supposed to take pictures of there?

The one all-night gas station?

The dive bar slash pool hall?

The high school where I got bullied

For being gay?

I guess that would be one way to lose half your followers

The other half are mostly bots I purchased

But don’t tell anyone that

It was just a way of inspiring others

To follow me

And frankly

I think it was a really good investment

Because right after I went over the three hundred thousand mark

This guy from CBS called

And asked if I wanted to be the style guy

On their morning show

I would have done it

If it wasn’t CBS
But, like, CBS?

No

Bad for the brand, so—

No thanks

That was right before the big scandal

On Twitter

About me saying I was bullied in high school

Which, like, I was

Because the thing you have to remember is

Everybody’s definition of bullying is different

This kid called me a faggot in the cafeteria once

And everyone’s saying that’s not bullying

Because the kid got expelled right after that

And because he was gay

So he was probably saying it

With, like, some sort of camaraderic intent

But I didn’t know that at the time

And, frankly, it haunted me for years

It still does

And I don’t need a bunch of former classmates

Tweeting me from back in Scoville

About how I’m misrepresenting my experience

The point is—

It’s my experience

I’m allowed to misrepresent it

However I want

They want me to try and be more objective?

Yeah—

No thanks

Life is not objective

These are the people my mother wants me

To return home to

Again, noooooo thanks

No thanks to spending five years

Building a life for myself here

With friends

And followers

And a bunch of career prospects

That I’m going to be capitalizing on

As soon as the weather gets bad

Because yeah, no, I don’t feel like going to work
When it’s so gorgeous out

And sorry that it’s always gorgeous in L.A.

But that’s part of the reason
I don’t want to leave

So how is that my fault?

She just needs to chill the fuck out

Honestly

Or send me money

But don’t just say ‘Move home’
Like that’s what you have to do

When you’re broke

And don’t want to work

And there’s a warrant out for your arrest

Because you shoplifted a few things

Again, be a problem-solver

Or, like, mind your business

She wants me to move home

So I can get a job

At, like, the Scoville Post Office

And pay bills

And do laundry

And all that shit

And it’s like—

No

No

No

No thanks

I appreciate it

But I don’t

But I appreciate whatever there is

To appreciate about it

But yeah—

No thanks