Country Material

I’m not trying to worry anyone

I just think we all need to address

The elephant in the room

Kirk is our best-selling artist

And I think we need to speak honestly

About what it’s going to take

To get him back on track

I don’t know about the rest of you

But I’m not letting someone

With twelve number one hits

On the country charts

Just fall off the map

Because his wife

Made him give up his truck

Just because he’s driving a car now

That doesn’t mean

He can’t write country songs

But you would never know that

From the material we’re getting from him

These last few tracks he gave my office

Are, frankly, unusable

They are—in no particular order—

‘Where’s My Truck?’

‘I Miss My Truck’

‘Has Anybody Seen My Truck?’

‘A Man Without a Truck’

And—

‘Should I Divorce My Wife for Making Me Give Up My Truck?’

It’s like all he knows about

Are trucks

So I did a little deep dive

And it turns out

All twelve of his hits

Are about drinking beers

And talking sweet to a woman

While sitting in a pick-up truck

Now, I’m not saying

We shouldn’t be proud of those songs

Because a hit is a hit

But is anybody else concerned

That one of our biggest artists

Only knows how to write about stuff

That goes on in his truck?

At this point, I’m wondering

If he ever goes inside his house

No wonder his wife

Made him give the damn thing up

His last hit was called—

‘Picking You Up in My Pick-Up’

And I don’t know who he’s been picking up

But Cheryl says she hasn’t taken a ride in that truck

Since they were teenagers

Yup—same truck

Since he was sixteen

The man is forty-one years old

How is that thing still driving?

There’s gotta be something else

He feels passionately about

But I had my assistant go through

All twenty-two of his albums

And guess what?

Nothing

I mean, not nothing

But close to it

Summer evenings

Sitting by ponds

Strumming guitars

He doesn’t even play the guitar

We just photograph him with one

Every time we need an album cover

We gotta get him out in the world a little bit

Give him some life experience

He wants me to put a song on his album called—

‘Never Mind (I Guess I’ll Just Walk to the Dairy Queen)’

Now, if you think about it long enough

It starts to sound like a metaphor for something

But if you don’t think about it

It just sounds like some old guy

Going down the road to get ice cream

So he can cheer himself up

Because his wife made him get a Honda

Unfortunately, we can’t get him anymore life experience

Before this next album is due

So that’s why I’ve called all of you here today

You’re some of the best country writers in the business

All her assembled in this room

Hit after hit—

Best of the best

So all I need from you

Is some songs

That don’t have anything to do

With picket fences

Or barbecues

Or popping the top

Off a can of anything

Just some interesting music

About interesting things

That country fans will like

. . . . .

…Okay, fuck it

I’ll just buy him a new pick-up

And a cooler full of beer

Just don’t tell his wife