Exercising for Newly Single People

Well, the first thing we did wrong

Was exercise

That was a huge mistake

We were both pretty overweight

And we wanted to get in shape

So we got a gym membership

Like, this membership for couples

And, uh, we were going to, like—

Hold each other accountable

That was the plan

And it worked

The plan worked

Uh, and that’s the problem

‘Cause see

She got really hot

And I got really…skinny

Let me say that again

She got hot

I got skinny

And those two things

Are not necessarily the same

Turns out—

And you know, I didn’t know this, but uh—

All my life

I’ve been kind of heavy

And, you know, secretly

Deep down

I always thought that, like

Despite that--

I was kind of a...stud?

Like, I would never say that, but, uh—

I mean, I never had trouble

Getting people to be friends with me

Or like me

Or even date me

And, like, she was the first, uh, heavier

Girl I’ve dated

Because, believe it or not, before that

I was mostly with like—

Okay, so this is making me sound like an asshole, but—

I was mostly with, like, really, uh, not heavy girls

Some of whom were also, uh, models

I’m not kidding

But even with that

I thought it was just one of those things

Where, like, guys have it easy

And can weigh a lot

And still get hot girls

Then I met her

And she was just—

Oh man, she was perfect

But she was overweight

And she hated that about herself

Now, I didn’t care—at all

Not one bit

But she did

And she wanted to work out

So I said would work out with her

And everything goes great

We start shedding the pounds

And I notice…

That she’s getting hotter

And I’m…not

Like, I look sort of…gaunt?

And, uh, kind of unhealthy?

Like, I looked better

With some weight on me

I’m just one of those people

But, like, that’s not something

Like, a doctor will tell you

Or anything

I mean, they’ll tell you if you’re underweight

But they won’t tell you—

Hey, be a little overweight

Because you just look better that way

Because, like, doctors don’t care how you look

So, like, it’s a thing where you can be healthy

And still not look great

And you’re supposed to be cool with that

And I guess I was, because I was like—

Whatever

What do I need to look good for?

I have somebody who loves me

Yeah, well, guess what?

Turns out

Once the girl I loved became this like—

Skinny, hot girl

She didn’t want the puny little guy

That I wound up being

So she left me

She left me

For a guy

Who weighed ten pounds more

Than what I weighed

When we first met

So, like, here’s what I’ll tell you about all that—

Don’t exercise

It’s bad news, man

Bad fucking news