Checking Up

We check on each other

He won’t admit it

But I have that feeling you get

When someone’s watching you

Except in this case

It’s not, um, an unpleasant feeling

Or scary

Or anything

It just feels like…

Like I’m being protected

It just became one of those things, you know?

Where, like, we were great

But we weren’t great together

In the ways you need to be great

If you really want to, um, stay together

I mean, I wanted to stay together

I could have too

I just…

I just remember him saying that, um

He was looking at things

And trying to, um, look down the road

And kind of see how, um…um…

Things were shaping up

And I was like—

Stop looking down the road

Look at me

Why aren’t you looking at me, you know?

Why are you trying to make this about

Five years from now

Or whatever?

What good is that going to do?

But he was always

Really into plans and stuff

And I—

I don’t know

I just never really got into all that

And, like, our break-up

That morning

Was so stupid

Because, like

Nothing happened

He was already dressed

When I woke up

And I walked out onto the, um

We have this access to the roof

And it’s not like a—a porch or anything

It’s just this random window

That you can go out of to, um—

Well, um, he was out on the roof

And he was all dressed for work

And I was like ‘Hey’

And he said ‘Good morning’

And I’m, like, barely awake

Because I’m really not a morning person

Like, at all, and um—

We just talked for a little bit

And then he left

And that was it

It was really nice out that day

So I walked around downtown

Like, all day

Like, until it was dark out

Which was late

Because it was almost summer

At this point

And like, somehow

I wound up at this party

Near the college

And, um, I just sort of wandered in

To this random house

And these kids—

I mean, I’m, like—

They’re not kids, exactly

But I’m, you know, older

Than them

So…

These students

They were just so happy

So excited

And I’m like—

My life is fucked

You know?

You know, you’re—

I’m looking at them

And I’m like—

You lucky motherfuckers

You have no idea

How good you have it

Because, like, your life

Can go so many ways

From this point on

I ended up hooking up

With one of them

His name was Steve, I think

Or something really European

Like Anton

I don’t know

I came home

And, um, you know

Obviously nobody was there

But—

I didn’t feel alone

I felt like he was still there with me

And, um, honestly?

It’s felt that way ever since

So…

I don’t know if that’s a good thing

Or a bad thing

I just know how it feels

And, um, you know

It feels okay

It’s like…

The one thing

That feels

Okay