Dolly Parton and Edgar Allen Poe Celebrate Their Birthday

(DOLLY and EDGAR at a birthday party.)

DOLLY:  So you write about birds, huh?

EDGAR:  One bird, yes.

DOLLY:  A hen?

EDGAR:  No.

DOLLY:  A rooster?

EDGAR:  No.

DOLLY:  A parrot?  You like parrots?

EDGAR:  A raven.

DOLLY:  Ooooh, my uncle got pecked to death by a bunch of ravens when I was six.

EDGAR:  An unkindness.

DOLLY:  It sure was unkind.  My Ant Tanya never did get over it.

EDGAR:  No, a group of crows is called 'an unkindness.

DOLLY:  Well, how 'bout that.  You learn something new every day.  No matter how old you get, there's always room for a little more information.

EDGAR:  Are you also a spinner of yarns?

DOLLY:  I do love a good yarn.  Never met a sweater I didn't want in my drawer.

EDGAR:  And you're a songstress as well?

DOLLY:  Sure am.

EDGAR:  What sort of music do you orchestrate?

DOLLY:  Well, I got a few little ditties people seem to enjoy.

EDGAR:  Would I care for them?

DOLLY:  Do you like country music?

EDGAR:  Which country are we talking about?  Belgravia?

DOLLY:  No, America.

EDGAR:  Ah.

DOLLY:  I think you'd get a real kick out of some of my songs.

EDGAR:  The last thing I got a kick out of was tripping over a corpse in an alleyway.

DOLLY:  You've toured in Minneapolis too, huh?  That city's plum crazy.

EDGAR:  Have you ever written about the unrelenting guilt that comes from hiding a body beneath your floor?

DOLLY:  No, but I have written about begging a woman not to steal my husband.

EDGAR:  Did you stone her up in a wall somewhere?

DOLLY:  Now there you go again with all these interesting ideas.  Gee, I wish I had done something like that, but it never did come to it.

EDGAR:  Tis a pity.

DOLLY:  Ain't it though?  You ever been married?

EDGAR:  I did love a fair lady once, but she did wait til I was at death's door to take my hand.

DOLLY:  That is the saddest thing I ever did hear.

EDGAR:  My lovely Sarah.

DOLLY:  She from Nashville?

EDGAR:  No.

DOLLY:  Memphis?

EDGAR:  No.

DOLLY:  Tuscaloosa?

EDGAR:  Is that a venereal disease?

DOLLY:  Love sure is tough, Eddy.

EDGAR:  Please don't--

DOLLY:  I'm lucky enough to have been married forever and always, but not everybody gets luck like me I guess.

EDGAR:  I suppose so.

DOLLY:  But it's nice people still enjoy your stories.

EDGAR:  Enjoy may be the wrong word.

DOLLY:  Maybe I could turn one of them into a tune.  Any of 'em got a musical lilt going on?

EDGAR:  One is about a murderous ape.

DOLLY:  Hmm...(Sing-song-y.)  Stop monkeying around...with my heart...and don't kill me.  See, I can turn just about anything into a song.

EDGAR:  Perhaps I should take one of your songs and make it into a story.

DOLLY:  Gee, that'd be fun, you could do '9 to 5.'

EDGAR:  Is that about a killer who nails their victims hands to the nine and five of a clock?

(A beat.)

DOLLY:  Well, no, but I don't see why it can't be.  Artistic interpretation is a vital part of any culture.

EDGAR:  Lend me one of your melodies and I shall add my signature bleakness to it.

DOLLY:  And I can take your stories and jazz 'em up a little!

EDGAR:  The Masque of the Red Death?

DOLLY:  A purty girl shows up to a barn-raising in a red dress and the man who broke her heart drops dead right there under the hay.

EDGAR:  Astonishing.

DOLLY:  I got a song called 'Coat of Many Colors.'

EDGAR:  All about a blood-thirsty leopard who escapes from a zoo and winds up spotted with the flesh of various street urchins who bleed in assorted shades due to the poor nutrition in their diets.

DOLLY:  Well I do love animals!

EDGAR:  The Fall of the House of Usher?

DOLLY:  Mean Old Mr. Usher hates everybody in town until his house falls down during a storm and everybody helps him rebuild it.

EDGAR:  I hate that.  Does he learn to love again?

DOLLY:  Yes.

EDGAR:  You're a monster.  Does he marry?

DOLLY:  Yes.

EDGAR:  You have to be stopped.  What's her name?

DOLLY:  Sarah.

EDGAR:  Oh Dolly.

DOLLY:  She's the teacher at the local elementary school.

EDGAR:  Dolly, don't.

DOLLY:  And she loved him for years, but he was set on keeping her at bay.

EDGAR:  Don't do this to me.

DOLLY:  But finally he breaks down when she helps build him a little sun room he can read in--

EDGAR:  Not on my birthday.

DOLLY:  And everything works out just fine.

     (EDGAR begins to cry.)

DOLLY:  Oh Eddy, it's okay.  This is your party.  And you can cry if you want to.  I heard that once in a song.  A long time ago.

     The End