Malvolio Returns

Malvolio returned

To find everyone deceased

A plague had swept the land of Illyria

And bodies were strewn on its beaches

Like so much refuse

Malvolio was shocked

And saddened

Because his plan for revenge

Was diabolical and charismatic

With many twists and turns

That would now be useless

Since all his foes were decomposing

And nature didn’t need to work half as hard

To enact retribution on all of them

‘Well wait,’ said Malvolio, 

Addressing the Narrator

Who is me

‘I didn’t want them dead’

I’m sorry
Am I supposed to answer Malvolio or--?

‘I didn’t want them dead

I just wanted to be, you know,

Avenged’

Right, no, I get that

I--This is very strange

I get that you just wanted vengeance

But vengeance can mean bodies

Strewn about the beach

I mean, that is sort of what vengeance

Looks like

‘Yeah, no, I understand that,

But this just seems a little extreme

Doesn’t it?

I mean, we’re talking about

Twelfth Night here

Not Titus Andronicus’

Okay, I feel like we’re doing a scene now

And this is supposed to be a monologue

About how you wander the beaches

Walking in between the dead--

‘That is so depressing

I’m sorry

But wow, that is--

Yeah, I don’t know about that

I’m not sure that’s the direction

I would have taken

With this’

Well, what do you want--

‘Can I speak to the writer?’

I think I’m meant to represent

The writer

‘I know that, but can I speak

To the real writer?’

You want to speak to Shakespeare?

‘No, not my writer

Your writer’

--Hi, sorry, can I help you Malvolio?--

‘Yeah, I’m just--what is this?

I assumed you were going to do

Something whimsical here

And now I’m basically in a zombie movie’

They’re not zombies

They’re just dead

Everyone’s dead

There was a plague

‘Yeah, I get that’

--I thought it was an interesting take--

‘Interesting would have been

Letting me act out my revenge plot

And then, you know, joining in

On all the festivities

And finding happiness’

--That just feels like the easy way out--

So should I pick another monologue?

‘You can’t just pick another monologue

You have to finish this monologue’

--It IS finished.  It’s done--

I could edit it

--It’s too late to edit it

You’re performing it already

We’re in the middle of it--

‘Can we at least retcon

The whole plague thing?’

--Plagues happen

That is a real thing--

‘You know what’s not real

Illyria, theater, me, and pretty much

Everything we’ve talked about so far’

I don’t see why we can’t give him

A happy ending

I think that’s what people

Are looking for anyway

Let’s not try to reinvent the wheel here

It’s just a nice little monologue

--That has now been hijacked

And turned into some post-modern scene--

‘What if I run into Puck?

Can I run into Puck?

Love Puck

Big fan’

--There are no faeries in your play--

‘There weren’t any plagues either

Until you and the Narrator got involved’

Is Puck from Tempest?

‘This is who you’re letting narrate?’

--Tell you what

Narrator, can you read that other piece I gave you?

Just substitute the first name for Malvolio

It won’t make much sense, but it’ll at least

Give him what he wants--

Sure

‘I shall return to my--’

Sarah was waiting for him

Ready to rebuild his house

Malvolio Usher, she said,

You’ve pushed and pushed

But you can only push for so long

Before you gotta try

Holding onto something

Then Malvolio watched

As the whole town

Helped put his house

Back together

And he couldn’t help

But feel grateful

For the lot of them