(The ACTORS have assembled after a final dress.)
ACTOR #1: Hello fellow actors, um, before we conclude for this eve, I should like to request that whilst I am bowing, there be no chitter chatter behind me as that would be disrespectful to the audience which has so graciously received our merry play. Please be silent so that I may appreciate the full range of their ovations, and I should be most thankful for your consideration.
ACTOR #2: Uh, hello, soooooooome people are RAY-gan when I believe it's REE-gan. Now, I know Master Shakespeare prefers RAY-gan, but as I am embodying the part, I should like the name to be pronounced as I wish it, and I should be most thankful for your consideration.
ACTOR #3: Greetings co-thespians of whom I am proud to be the company of--and to you, I say, whoever is eating beef leg backstage, please cease from doing so. In addition to you putting your lovely costume at risk, you are also stinking up the dressing quarters, and I should be most thankful for your consideration.
ACTOR #1: Fellow actors, I must ask that whilst I am preparing backstage--since we are now addressing backstage considerations--I must ask that you speak at but a whisper as I slowly descend into the mind of my character. Whilst some of you have only minor--important yet minor--parts to portray, the burden of the show rests solely and completely on my shoulders, and such a responsibility requires the greatest of focus, and also, a bowl of grapes--peeled and sliced. Be sure it's prepared nightly by one of you with smaller roles, or even slightly large supporting roles. I'm not picky but I would like the grapes sliced vertically and not horizontally. I should be most thankful for your consideration.
ACTOR #2: Uh, soooooooooooome peeeeeeeeeeeeeople are saying that my character is--I've heard them saying--'evil.' I take great issue with this characterization of my, uh, character, because I have to play her as though she is someone I love, and so I've chosen to play her as Gerta the Cheese Wench who we all know and adore, so if I sound like Gerta that is intentional and while I know that the play doesn't take place in Amsterdam, that is where Gerta's from and so that is where REE-gan is from as well as far as I'm concerned and also if anybody sees cheese backstage its mine and please don't eat it and I should be most thankful for your consideration.
ACTOR #3: Speaking of food backstage, there is a fish that has been in my dressing quarters for going on a week now, and initially, I did but think it was a prop, but since rot has started to set in, I can only assume one of you bought it at the fish market and forgot thyself and thy fish so I beseech you to retrieve it though I would not recommend eating it for flies have started to gather round its sunken eyes, and whilst I could throw it out, I feel as though it should not fall on me to take on a job which should be that of one of my other co-thespians, therefore please dispose of thy decomposing sea creature and I should be most thankful for your consideration.
ACTOR #1: Fellow travelers in this field we call thee-tah, some of you are breathing quite heavily onstage as I am performing one of my many, many soliloquies and I must ask that you temper your breathing in such a way that it does not distract, for indeed, some of you--
ACTOR #2: Soooome peeeeople are--
ACTOR #1: Some people are--yes, thank you--some people are breathing as though they are traversing a steep hill whilst holding several bags of potatoes, and I beg of you, put down the metaphorical potatoes and scale thy hill on some other day, for a man of the thee-tah is giving audiences a once-in-a-lifetime experience that should not be disrupted by the wheezing of a minor player. Hold thy breath, compatriots, and I should be most thankful for your--
ACTOR #2: Uh, soooooooooooooooome peeeeeeeeeeeeople are refusing to stay in character whilst not performing onstage, and whilst I respect and treasure all acting methods, I should like mine to be the most respected and treasured, and so if we should find ourselves walking towards one another out in the city on a day where there is not a show, please know that for me--there is always a show. Do not address me by my Christian name, but by my chosen name of REE-gan--not RAY-gan--and converse with me as you would with Ree-gan and attempt to kill me, if it is such a thing your character would do, but be sure to use a wooden sword, so that I will only be sufficiently injured but not dead, as I still require the income that is given for our more official performances. Engage with REE-gan, for until this production has shuttered, that shall be who you see here, there, and everywhere, and I should be most thankful for--
ACTOR #3: I hate to do this, but now it appears the fish has gone missing and yet, truly, it has not, for I can still smell it as though it were placed directly beneath my nostrils. This can only lead me to believe that some rapscallion has decided to hide the offending aquatic corpse in what I can only surmise is an attempt to drive me mad. Despite not being to see the deceased trawler, the odor has only grown stronger by the minute, and I must insist that the rascal behind this insidious prank dispense with their cruel humor and extricate the chum post haste, and I should be most--
ACTOR #1: Inhabitants on this glorious planet that doth spin round the sun so that we may bring art to it in whatever way we can, please do not step on my lines and I shall not step on thine. And if, perchance, I do step on thine, please understand that it's because thou art speaking too slowly, and the audience is yawning at thy tempo. I can see them. You may not see them yawn, but I can spot a yawn from yards away, and trust in me, my beloved underplayers, they are positively lethargic at the pace some of you are using, so please, dear ones, speed up thy speech but not so much as to risk landing on one of my precious lines and suffocating it like a chicken two ticks before dinner--
ACTOR #3: I'm smelling chicken now as well. Did somebody eat chicken?
ACTOR #1: Time is of the essence, but not, of course, when I am speaking, because I have vital news to impart whereas all of you are simply referencing things I have already laid bare for those in the crowd, therefore do not take your time, but give me thine, and I should be--
ACTOR #2: Uh, soooooooooome peeeeeeeeeeeople are saying I should not be permitted to wear my costume back to my residence after a performance, and to those people I say, I shall my revenge on you, nasty buggers, for squealing to our costume mistress about me. Mark me, you shall pay with blood when you least expect it, and also, please sign up to bring something to the cast party--William the Blacksmith has already offered to make his famous quince pie, but we're still looking for a few more savories, and we should all be most thankful for--
ACTOR #3: The chicken and the fish appear to have created some amalgamation smell that has never been known to my olfactory senses nor that of any other decent man or woman under our Lord. I shall be forced to resign my position in the play, and I bid you all adieu. Whilst I have enjoyed your company, the smell has now seeped into my costume and, I would even go so far as to say, my epidermis, and so it follows me everywhere, and I must now travel to the Holy Land where I shall bathe in sacred waters in the hope that it will pull the malodorous stench from my being. I simply hope there are no fish in those sacred waters, or it might very well defeat the purpose of me diving into them. Please tell my story and seek out the stink before replacing me with another actor, and I should be most thankful for your consideration.
ACTOR #1: May I have all their lines? I don't know any of them and I shan't learn them very well, but I find the more I say, the better I feel, and the more the audience cheers as I take my final bow, which nobody should be talking during, and I should be--
ACTOR #2: Attention everyone, I have just come up with a genius invention. I am calling it 'the name tag' and as you can see, it clearly says REE-gan on it, spelled phonetically, and I should ask that you use this new invention of mine and give me credit if you make your own, and I should be most thankful for your consideration.
ACTOR #1: Thank you, Peter. Well done.
(A beat.)
ACTOR #2: Uh...
End of Play
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