The Maroon Platform

     (A town hall.  JAN stands up to speak.)

JAN:  Hi, I just want to say--I am so honored to be here and to support you and everything that you stand for.

CANDIDATE:  Thank you very much.  Can I ask your name?

JAN:  I'm Jan.  I'm from Toboggan Falls.

CANDIDATE:  Hi Jan, thank you for your support.

JAN:  I just had one question.

CANDIDATE:  Sure!

JAN:  I know it may sound a little silly--

CANDIDATE:  There aren't any silly questions, Jan.

JAN:  Okay, well, tell that to my mother when I asked her what my birth father's name was.  (Laughs a little too hard.)  But anyway, I was wondering, at your rally in Duluth last month--

CANDIDATE:  Love Duluth.

JAN:  Yes, um, you played, uh, Maroon 5--as you were walking out?

CANDIDATE:  Uh.  Yes?

JAN:  I was just--wondering why you did that?

CANDIDATE:  Uh--

JAN  Like, I'm assuming someone on your campaign--like a really dumb intern with bad taste--picked that for your, um, entrance playlist or whatever, and I just wanted to confirm that I was right about that.

CANDIDATE:  Well, uh, no, actually, Jan, I pick all my own entrance music.

JAN:  So did that, um, Maroon 5 song just--slip by ya?

CANDIDATE:  No, I--I really like Maroon 5.  Thank you for your question, Jan.  Is there--

JAN:  Uh, just uh, just one more thing.  Uh...why?

CANDIDATE:  Why?

JAN:  Why do you like Maroon 5?

CANDIDATE:  They're a great band.

JAN:  (Laughs.)  Sorry, it's just--hearing you say 'band' like that when talking about, uh, them, is really--(Makes "Mind Blown" gesture.)--just having a--having a hard time with that.

CANDIDATE:  Well, they're very popular.

JAN:  So's America's Got Talent, but you wouldn't admit to liking that, would ya?

CANDIDATE:  It's my favorite show.

JAN:  Ooooooh boy, this is a lot to find out all at once.

CANDIDATE:  The important thing is, Jan, we may have differences in silly things we enjoy like music and television, but we agree on the big things.

JAN:  Yeah, I'm not sure that's true, uh, because I would say you liking Maroon 5 is, uh, it's a real problem for me.

CANDIDATE:  It's just a band, Jan.

JAN:  See, you keep saying 'band' but really it's just a bunch of guys singing nonsense all the time.

CANDIDATE:  They've had a lot of hits.

JAN:  I can't believe you can just stand up there and lie like that.

CANDIDATE:  That's not a lie.

JAN:  I mean, not if you think that something can be a hit and also be total garbage.

CANDIDATE:  Jan, I don't mind that you don't like them, but I do.

JAN:  And you want me to give you the nuclear codes?

CANDIDATE:  I'm not saying I like all their songs--

JAN:  But you liked that one on your playlist.

CANDIDATE:  I would say I do, yes.

JAN:  That was 'She Will Be Loved.'  It's not good.  It's really bad.  And what does it have to do with politics?

CANDIDATE:  It just puts everybody in a good mood.

JAN:  Not me!  Didn't put me in a good mood at all.  Certainly didn't put me in a 'I'm-Gonna-Vote-For-Ya' kind of mood.

CANDIDATE:  I guess I could have used 'This Love' instead, but--

JAN:  No!  No, no, no.  You just went from swamp water to dumpster puddle.

CANDIDATE:  Jan, if it'll make you happy, I'll take that song off my playlist, all right?

JAN:  But will you keep listening to them in private?

CANDIDATE:  I...I might, but that's really none of your--

JAN:  See, I can't have that.

CANDIDATE:  What?

JAN:  I'm sorry, but I can't have my President listening to Maroon 5.  I just can't have it.

CANDIDATE:  You'd rather keep the current President.

JAN:  Does he like Maroon 5?

CANDIDATE:  I don't know.

JAN:  But you do, so I have to look at the big picture here.

CANDIDATE:  Jan, I respect you and I want your vote, but this is--This is just not worth getting that worked up over.

JAN:  I think it speaks to your character.

CANDIDATE:  My character or my taste?

JAN:  What's the difference?

CANDIDATE:  The fact that you don't know the difference makes me think you should not be using this as a factor in how you vote, Jan.

JAN:  I just want someone whose beliefs align with mine.

CANDIDATE:  What do you believe about Maroon 5?

JAN:  That they're cats wailing in a bag and nobody should have to listen to them.

CANDIDATE:  Jan--

JAN:  I vote you in and suddenly you're honoring Adam Levine at the Kennedy Center?  I can't take that chance.

CANDIDATE:  Jan, if it means the difference between you voting for me and feeling good about it or not voting for me, I will--I will stop listening to Maroon 5.

JAN:  Really?

CANDIDATE:  Yes.

JAN:  Thank you.

CANDIDATE:  My pleasure.

JAN:  I know it seems silly, but--

CANDIDATE:  Don't worry about it, Jan.  Happy to do it.

JAN:  Thank you and I'm all in with you.

CANDIDATE:  Love to hear it, Jan.  Okay, next question?

     (JAN sits down, and JEN stands up.)

JEN:  Hi, I'm Jen.

CANDIDATE:  Hi Jen.

JEN:  I'm a big Maroon 5 fan--

CANDIDATE:  Oh boy.

     End of Scene