Something Is Going To Kill My Kid

Something’s gonna kill this kid

Relax, it’s not that kind of monologue

What I’m saying is--

Something is eventually

Gonna kill this kid

And hopefully it’s something nice

Like, like--

Like organic death

Peaceful death

Dying while sleeping

After a long, long life

And if that’s the case

I’ll be gone before it happens

Something will have killed me

By then

And hopefully whatever that thing is

Will also be peaceful and natural

And quick, very quick

Hopefully quick

But the thing is--

Statistically

Very few of us

Are going to get that lucky

Now, many of us

Are going to die

After our kids

And thank god for that, right?

But as to how many of us

Are going to die after our kids

And then have our kids die

In this wonderful

Calm way is just--

It’s probably going to go

Some other way, right?

I have a friend who begged her daughter

Begged her

To have kids

Because she said the thought of her daughter

Dying alone

Was giving her depression

She said to her mom, ‘Mom, I could still die alone’

‘People with kids die alone all the time’

...So that got her mother thinking

‘Should I be worried?’

Not many of us get happy endings

When you’re thinking about, you know

The ending of all endings

So…

That’s why I let my kid

Play football

Because yeah

It’s not good for him

And science is probably right

It’s probably dangerous

And it might lead to this or that

But you know what?

Peanuts can kill my kid

Bee stings can kill my kid

Lots of things can kill my kid

And I don’t want to think about all those things

But if I say I’m not going to let him play football anymore

Then that means I have to start thinking

About ALL the things that are dangerous

And all the things that could harm him

And the list--

When you start thinking about the list

Pretty soon

You’re going crazy

Thinking about how LONG it is

So I just choose not to think about it

My mom--I don’t think my mom--

Well my dad

He didn’t think about it

That’s why he let me go camping in the woods

By myself

When I was fourteen

That’s why he let me swim in a water hole

That was definitely full of toxic waste

That’s why he used to let me ride

On long road tips

In the back of a car

With no seatbelt

While he drove ninety miles an hour

Down the--

Because he wasn’t going to worry about it

Because how are you supposed to enjoy

Having kids

If all you do

Is worry about how you could lose them?

I mean, I worry anyway

Of course I worry but--

I don’t want to worry

Any more

Than I already am

You know?

Believe me

I worry enough