How A Woman Robs A House

A woman takes her time

She’s not in a hurry

Hurry brings attention

Even when nobody’s looking

Preparation is where

You live or die

How much you prep

Depends on whether or not

You get caught

A man might rush it

Might want to get the ball rolling

Might think it’s safe to try

When the family’s out to dinner

Rather than on vacation

Or at the bowling alley

For a few hours

A woman doesn’t take a chance

On a one-hour in-and-out fiasco

Where there won’t be any time

To check the crawl spaces

And the hiding places

Where all the good items are

A man breaks a window

He jimmies a door open

Goes around back

Women don’t do this

They’re audacious

They have to be

The sneakier they are

The more it reads

From the house across the street

Or the window of the nosey neighbor

With nothing better to do

Than spy on her neighbor’s house

A woman parks her car

Right in front

Gets out

Dressed nicely

A good heel is crucial

And a big pocketbook

No sunglasses

They’re off-putting

And you want to look

Professional

But not pushy

Like a realtor

So that if someone sees you

They’ll think--

‘I didn’t know the Watermans

Were thinking of selling?’

But that’s all they’ll think

Before they go back

To whatever puzzle

They were doing

Or show they were watching

A woman walks right up to the spot

Where the family keeps their spare key

Retrieves it

And lets herself in

It’s usually taped underneath

A fake rock or a flowerpot

And prep work tells you

That it’s going to be there

And anyone watching

Would assume that no burglar

Just walks up to a secret spare key spot

And uses it to let themselves in

This is a woman, not a burglar

She has a purpose

She’s got something to do

She is allowed inside this house

Turn the lights on

Once you’re inside

Turn them all in

If there are windows

Good

If there are curtains

Open them

Audacity is the only way

You walk out of here

Without handcuffs on

Do not steal anything

For the first ten minutes

You’re inside the house

Instead, walk around

Walk in front of windows

Survey the place

As though you left

Something valuable here

And are only now

Able to come back for it

If only you knew where it was

Anybody peering in at you

Will become bored rather fast

Because you don’t have any make-up on
And you’ve made yourself look very plain

So why would anybody stare at you

For very long

Finally, once you’ve wasted plenty of time

Hoist exactly ten items out of the house

And nothing you can’t fit

In that giant pocketbook of yours

You’ve done your homework

So you know what your ten items will be

Mostly jewelry

And no credit cards

Or anything traceable

Nothing belonging to the kids

Because you’re not a monster

And be sure to leave a note

Letting the family know

You won’t be back

So once they get their insurance

They can sleep easy

You’re not in the business

Of terrorizing people

Just making money

You’re of the Catwoman lineage

You’re almost royalty

And as you walk out

Smile at nobody in particular

Just the last remaining neighbor

Who was still watching

For lack of anything better to do

But who sees nothing

Except a woman pleased about--

Well, who can say?

Women are so hard

To figure out, aren’t they?

Best not to think

Too much

About it