The Princess and Me

Dear Charles,

You said you miss seeing my face

So here it is

My face

How does it look?

Does it look...angry, Charles?

Does it look...tired?

Exhausted, maybe?

Maybe...depleted?

Charles, do you remember

When, a year ago, on our fifth anniversary

You told me that all you wanted

Was a dog

And I told you

That I didn’t think getting a dog would be a good idea

Because of how much you travel for work

And you said--

I don’t travel that much

And I said--

But there might come a time

When your work

Would take you away

For a few weeks

Or even longer

And you said--

Michael, don’t be ridiculous

In my line of work

The only thing that would take me away
Longer than a week

Would be a worldwide health crisis

And I said--

Okay, fine then

Let’s get a dog

Well Charles, here we are

You’re in Atlanta

And I’m here

With your dog

In case you’re wondering

How Princess and I

Are getting along

I should tell you

That she’s decided to express her displeasure

In you not being here

By destroying everything I own

Now, you might ask yourself--

How does destroying my things

Punish you?

I ask myself that as well, Charles

I ask myself that every day

But Princess is not a woman of reason

She is resentful, Charles

She is bitter

She is petty

She is...very much your daughter

Your dog daughter

And while I have tried

To make peace with her

I have come to realize

That she is a woman of war

And that we should

Haved named her

Athena

The other day she jumped up

And knocked down

A photo of the two of us

And proceeded to urinate

On my face

Oh Charles, she was very careful

Not to let the stream hit your part

Of the photo

She is exacting, Charles

She is precise

In her fury

The only time we have a truce

Is at night

When she hops into bed with me

Despite my protesting

And snuggles up to me

While still lightly growling

As she drifts into sleep

As if to let me know

That at any moment

She could wake

And rip my throat out

Charles, your Princess

Is actually more like a czar

Like a Russian czar

Or a despot

She’s Caligula

She’s King Henry

She’s King Herod

The point is

I don’t like her Charles

Not at all

I never have liked her

But at least when you were here

She and I shared something

That kept us both in line

Now I find myself

Only feeding her

The cheapest of dog food

And hiding her toys

So she can’t find them

Of course she always does

Like you, she’s too smart

For her own good

Just yesterday she walked by me

Holding a squeaky duck

I had placed carefully

At the back of our closet

And as she passed by me

She defecated in a pair

Of my favorite shoes

Without even bothering to pause

You have to admire

A creature that willful, Charles

You know, it occurred to me

That perhaps she doesn’t realize

You’re coming back?

Animals are intuitive

But I doubt they watch Rachel Maddow

I thought about this

And then I played the voicemail you left me

For Princess

So she could hear your voice

And hopefully assume

That meant

You’d return eventually

You should have seen

How excited she got

She spun around in circles

And peed everywhere

But at least this time

It was out of joy

And not vengeance

When the voicemail ended

She pushed her head

Lovingly into my stomach

And whined happily

Clearly relieved

Charles, I felt such affection for her

In that moment

With you gone, I’ve felt...aimless

We take care of each other

You and I

And without you here

I thought all I had to take care of

Was myself

And that Princess just needed

Her water bowl refilled

Every now and again

But it’s more than that

She needs somebody to love

The same way I do

So we’re starting anew

She and I

And as soon as I’m done

With this video

I’m going to put on my mask

And take her out for a walk

I think both of us would agree

That neither of us

Is a substitute for you, Charles

You’re full of flaws

But you’re also devastatingly

Irreplaceable

And I miss you

So much

As does the banshee

You’ve left me with

But you know what they say

If you can’t be with the one you love

Love the dog

They left you with