(A restaurant. LAUREN and KATE have just been given fortune cookies.)
LAUREN: I should just throw this out. I never eat them.
KATE: The point isn't to eat them. You just read the fortune.
LAUREN: But then I'm sitting there with a broken cookie. What am I supposed to do with it?
KATE: You act like fortune cookies are the worst thing in the world.
LAUREN: It's not like they're not delicious.
KATE: Nothing is delicious. I hate everything that qualifies as food.
LAUREN: Are you okay?
KATE: Yeah, no, I mean--I'll eat food, because I have to, but I can't imagine enjoying it.
LAUREN: The same way I don't enjoy fortune cookies.
KATE: They're better than peeps.
LAUREN: That's a low bar.
KATE: They're better than--
LAUREN: Are they better than candy corn? Yes. They're better than some things. But they're still not great.
KATE: I want to hear your fortune.
LAUREN: Oh my god, you're one of those 'I want to hear your fortune' people.
KATE: I am!
LAUREN: Okay, fine.
(She opens her fortune cookie.)
Uh.
KATE: What?
LAUREN: You'll never know true joy.
(A beat.)
KATE: What?
LAUREN: That's what it says.
KATE: It can't say that.
LAUREN: Look.
(She shows her the fortune.)
KATE: That's weird.
LAUREN: Yeah.
KATE: I mean...you have known joy.
LAUREN: Yeah.
KATE: So it's not even--I mean, it's not legitimate, obviously. It's not like a horoscope or a reading from a psychic.
LAUREN: It's weird though.
KATE: It must be, like, a gag fortune cookie that someone slipped in there to be, um, funny or something.
LAUREN: You know...
KATE: Yeah?
LAUREN: I...I don't know if I ever have experienced true joy.
KATE: Okay, Lauren, it's a fortune cookie.
LAUREN: No, I know, but now that I think about it--
KATE: It's a piece of paper--shoved in a cookie.
LAUREN: Yeah, but...I was kind of thinking about this the other day.
KATE: Thinking about what?
LAUREN: I was thinking about whether or not I was ever going to experience joy and then--
KATE: You were thinking about that?
LAUREN: Yeah, don't you think about that?
KATE: No!
LAUREN: I think about it all the time. It haunts me.
KATE: Thinking about whether you'll ever--Lauren, you just said you've--
LAUREN: I lied.
KATE: What?
LAUREN: I lied, Kate. I've never experienced pure joy. Medium joy, sure, but pure joy? No!
KATE: That's stupid. This whole thing is stupid. I'm going to get you another fortune cookie.
LAUREN: No. I don't want another one.
KATE: I told you, this is probably a joke one. Let me get you a real one.
LAUREN: Kate, this is the real one. It's morbid and depressing--that's you know it's accurate.
KATE: Don't be ridiculous. Here.
(She pushes her cookie towards LAUREN.)
Take mine.
LAUREN: No, that's yours.
KATE: It's not mine. It's a fortune cookie. It doesn't belong to anyone.
LAUREN: Open it.
KATE: What?
LAUREN: Open the fortune cookie.
(A beat.)
KATE: No.
LAUREN: Why not?
KATE: Because.
LAUREN: Because why?
KATE: I don't want to.
LAUREN: Why not?
KATE: Because I don't like fortune cookies.
LAUREN: You don't have to eat the cookie.
KATE: And maybe I don't want the fortune.
LAUREN: Why wouldn't you want it?
KATE: Because.
LAUREN: Because why?
KATE: Because...
LAUREN: Because mine was so scary!
KATE: No.
LAUREN: You're scared yours will be too, aren't you?
KATE: No.
LAUREN: Then open it.
KATE: I don't want to.
LAUREN: Do it.
KATE: You do it.
LAUREN: I can't do it. If I do it, your fortune will become my fortune.
KATE: That's now how it works.
LAUREN: You don't know how it works.
KATE: I know you can't transfer a fortune from one cookie to the--This is crazy.
LAUREN: Just open it!
KATE: Fine!
(With some hesitation, KATE opens the cookie.)
LAUREN: Well?
KATE: It's....
LAUREN: Yeah?
KATE: It's blank.
(A beat.)
LAUREN: What?
KATE: Look, it's--
(LAUREN takes the slip of paper.)
LAUREN: That's--
KATE: What does that mean?
LAUREN: It means, um...I don't know.
KATE: Do you think it means something bad?
LAUREN: I--No, I--Well, noooo.
KATE: Lauren!
LAUREN: I mean, if you had opened that one first I would have just assumed it was a mistake, but that one paired with mine--
KATE: We don't know that they're paired.
LAUREN: I mean--
KATE: We don't know that they're paired, Lauren!
LAUREN: It's just a little creepy.
KATE: I know it's creepy!
LAUREN: Calm down.
KATE: I don't need you to keep telling me it's creepy! I know it's creepy! It's a blank fortune, and it's like--Does that mean I have no fortune coming to me because my future looks blank and does blank mean dead and does somebody kill me and if somebody does kill me is it my stepbrother who I don't talk to anymore because he kept eating the peanut butter I bought for myself with my own money working at that dog grooming salon?
LAUREN: I don't, uh--
KATE: I'm asking for another cookie.
LAUREN: Kate! No!
KATE: I want another cookie, Lauren.
LAUREN: If you get another one, it could be worse.
KATE: Worse than nothing?
LAUREN: You don't know that nothing is bad. You could get one like mine. What would you have done if you got mine?
KATE: Oh my god, I'd jump in front of a bus.
LAUREN: Yes! Wait--what?
KATE: I mean, that's just me though. I don't think that's a good, you know, option for you. You hate the bus. You never take it.
LAUREN: Let's just--assume that both of these cookies were from some...weird batch. Like you said.
KATE: Okay, but I have been feeling kind of empty lately and empty might mean blank and my stepbrother used to get so mad when I'd accuse him of stealing the--
LAUREN: Kate!
KATE: You're right. We'll just forget it.
LAUREN: Good.
(A beat.)
KATE: You know, there's this amazing new Chinese place on Oliver Avenue that I've been wanting to--
LAUREN: Let's try Italian next time.
KATE: Yeah. Yeah, you know--Italian. Yeah. Sounds good.
LAUREN: Good.
KATE: I'll pick a place tonight when I get home and text you so we can make a plan.
LAUREN: Great.
KATE: Yeah. It'll give us something to look forward to.
The End
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