The Blender

Dear Mr. Alton

Of Alton Appliances

I am reach out to you

About a blender I received

Last month

Your website says

That in the interest of innovation

You’d like people to submit

Video testimonials

Saying how much they like

Your products

Seeing as how you’re willing

To let people gush on video

About what you do

I think it’s only fair

That you play a video or two

Detailing some of the flaws

Products like the blender you sent me

Might have

Namely--that it doesn’t blend

Now, don’t get me wrong

It does other things

It crushes

It grinds

It grates

It frappes

But it does not

Blend

I know what you’re going to say

You’re going to say--

‘Mr. Tyler--’

Yes, you can call me

Mr. Tyler

‘Mr. Tyler, grinding

And grating

And crushing

Are all versions

Of blending’

Well, Mr. Alton

Of Alton Appliances

I got to tell you

I am not interested

In versions of a thing

I would like the thing

And the thing only

I didn’t order a crusher

I didn’t order a grater

I ordered a blender

A simple blender

That can make me

The smoothies

My wife says I need to drink

Because my doctor is a quack

Who says I can’t have bacon and eggs

For breakfast anymore

A man has four heart attacks

And all of a sudden

He’s got to change his diet

I never heard of such a thing

My father ate nothing but chicken-fried steak

For every meal

Every day of his life

Chicken-fried steak for dinner

Every day for thirty-two years

And when he died

They buried him with two sticks of butter

Because that’s what he loved the most

Me?

I have to drink smoothies

With fruit in it

I’ve never even heard of

Papayas

Plantains

Something called a mango

That’s communist fruit

That’s what that is

But when you’re my age

You do what your wife tells you, Mr. Alton

Are you married?

If you are

Then you know

What I’m talking about

Because I have to drink

All these damn smoothies

I got myself a new blender

From your company

Only to find out

It doesn’t blend

I am not one of those men

Who is scared of change

I am willing to give up
The food I like

I am willing to give up golf

And poker games with my friends

And going to the post office

Every day

Right when it opens

So I can complain about how much

A book of stamps costs now

I’m willing to stay home

If that’s what people

Want me to do

But I’ll be damned

If I order a blender

That doesn’t even have the word ‘blend’ on it

Without speaking up

Some things

Have to be consistent

In this world, Mr. Alton

You gotta be able

To count on something

And I’m counting on you

To send me a blender

That blends

That’s all I want

I know you’re doing your best

Just like the rest of us are

But I would appreciate it

If you could deliver

What I’m looking for

And until you do

I’m going to have to keep eating

My eggs and bacon

So, by all means--

Take your time