What They Asked Me

The question they asked me
Was about being a woman
Obviously

I mean, obviously
They were going to go there

I knew, I mean
We had prepared
For it to be
Either
A question about me being a woman
Or a Conservative

Because it was going to be or the other
Or both, you know
Or both

And I thought, I wished
In my head, I went
Okay, I hope it's about being a Conservative
Because, you know
I had a really great answer
If it was about that

About how if you run as a Conservative
For the mayor of Providence
You're losing
I mean, you've lost

Rhode Islanders like Republicans as Governors
And Democrats as Mayors
Go figure, right?

Nothing gets done because of it, right?

It's almost like we enjoy the contradiction

Maybe it's meant to be checks and balances
But what it actually is
Is that nothing gets done

And I was going to say that too

I was going to talk about that
But instead
They went for the 'woman' question

And not just the 'woman' question
But the 'mother' question

The double whammy

They asked--what they asked me was--

'What would happen if there was a state of emergency and your son needed to be picked up at school because he wasn't feeling well?'

Yes, now
Maybe I'm paraphrasing that
But a little
I mean, only a little
A little bit, if that
I may even have it totally correct

And I think you should know
And this isn't a potshot
But I think you should know
That that question came from the Tribune
Which is a liberally owned and operated newspaper
Which is only pertinent
Because they, the liberals
Asked me, the Conservative
If I'd pick up my kid during a blizzard
If he had the sniffles

I mean, I'm surprised they didn't ask me
What my favorite brand of blender is
Or how much cocoa powder I put in my brownies

I mean, it was--I wanted to clock the guy

I won't lie to you

I wanted to haul off
And clock him

But instead, you have to laugh it off
You have to do the 'Ha ha ha' I'm not mad laugh
When really you just want to knee this guy
Right in the groin

So I--what I'd like to think was politely
But was probably passive aggressive and--whatever

I informed him that my son is nineteen years old
And so he hasn't needed to be picked up from school in quite awhile
But that anybody who can't run a state during an emergency
While driving to pick their kid up from school
Shouldn't be running a state in the first place
And that maybe--and this is where I should have stopped
Because I hadn't really hit the bitch button yet
Not quite yet, but--and I could see my campaign manager flagging me down
Like--stop now, you're good, but, you know, he pissed me off
Which is a crude way of saying it, but he did
He pissed me off, and I kept going and I said--

And that maybe if our current Mayor had to pick up his kid from school
While some crisis was happening
Then maybe he'd know how to multitask

...Silence

Because, as you know
The Mayor's son is...was...

Yes, well

I forgot about that

In that moment
I forgot about that
And I wasn't really making a comment about the Mayor
But moreso men in general
And if I had been a man
I wouldn't have been given that question anyway
And the minute I said it, I knew
But--and, keep in mind
The Mayor's son was killed by a drunk driver
So there was the driving element
And even though picking up someone from school
And getting killed by a drunk driver on your way home from work
When you're thirty-two years old
Are two completely different things
The media pieced the two of them together
And then--

There you go

Election--lost

Because I spoke out of turn

Because, okay, let's just say this
Because a woman spoke out of turn

Because I put my foot in my mouth
And no matter what I said after that
I was the bitch who had the gaul
To make a snide comment about a man who'd lost his son

And yes, of course, I sympathize with him
I'm not heartless

But he was running for Mayor
He did stay in politics
After his son passed away
And, in general, they weren't asking him
If he could handle running a city
That he had proven he couldn't handle running
And they should have been
They should have been asking him that
Instead of asking me
If I could handle taking a few phone calls
From the back of a limousine
While dealing with a personal matter at the same time
Because I'm a woman

Because that's what that was about

They wanted me out
They wanted me out of that race
And what's more, they wanted to publicly humiliate me
And watch me take it
To see how tough I was
Knowing all along
I was going to lose anyway

And I could handle that
I could accept that
Because that's what I signed up for

Nobody went into my campaign
Thinking we were going to actually win

But when they tried to paint me
As some cruel woman
Who attacks people who've lost their children--

I was getting hate mail from M.A.D.D.
I mean, come on!

It's just ridiculous
The whole thing is just ridiculous

And everybody knows it's ridiculous
And everybody knows it's going to stay ridiculous
And everybody knows what I meant
Because everybody knows what they asked me

And nobody cares

That's what really gets me

That's what--as smart as I'd like to think I am

That's what surprises me
Time after time

Los Angeles, 4am

If you want something from me
You better get it
Before the sun comes up

I'm nocturnal, Detective
Or didn't you know that?

You want a drink?

You can drink so long as it's dark out
But once you see sunlight
You're drinking in the morning
And that's a problem

That's a real problem

Not that I'd tell anybody

Oh no, I'm good at keeping secrets

Now, my wife
She's the one with the big mouth

She's the one
Who can't keep a secret

Loves to sit out by the pool
And tell stories to strangers
Like she's a regular Dr. Seuss

Don't you want to sit down, Detective?

You're making me nervous

Don't you know it's rude to make a man nervous
In his own house?

So tell me
What is it you came here looking for?

A story by the pool maybe?

Well, unfortunately
My wife is...indisposed
At the moment

She went out for ice
And forgot to come back

Maybe she forgot where she was from
She always was--oh what's the expression?
Oh right--a moron

I have to say
I don't mind being single again

I used to have so much fun
Back when it was just me

An empty house
Broken clocks
All saying it's 4am

The noise of the city waiting to walk in
Until after I'd closed the blinds

Have you ever wanted to live in a place without time, Detective?

It's possible, you know

They do it in casinos

Do away with the windows
And flood the place with florescent light
And remove any timepieces
So that you never know up from down
As far as time is concerned

My good Paul's interested in casinos

Maybe you've heard of him?
Paul Sirotte?

He's got three casinos out in Vegas
And another one opening up this spring

He let me name the fourth one
So I named it The Royal Ocean

He laughed and said 'What ocean? It's going to be in Vegas.'
And I said 'All the more reason people will want to stay at a place called The Royal Ocean.'

And that's what he's going to call it
Once it's finished

Oh, it must be time for bed
I can hear the clinking of the ice
In my glass

Are you sure you don't want anything?

I think I'm going to give myself something
To help me sleep

Just a little something
And a little something else
To wash it down with

You'll forgive me, won't you?
You seem like a forgiving sort of man

Paul says once The Royal Ocean is finished
I can help him run it

He's so busy with the other three
That he needs someone to keep an eye on the place

So he's going to let me run The Royal Ocean
And he says I can have an apartment on the top floor of the hotel part of it
And I can have thick, black curtains to close whenever I want
So that even when I'm in the apartment
I won't know what time it is

Between there and the casino
I'll never know the time

I'll never know what day it is
Or what year
Or if it's a holiday
Or my birthday
Or how old I'm supposed to be

And one day I'll just die
Just like that
Never even knowing it was close
Never knowing that my time had come

My wife didn't like the idea of me moving to Vegas, obviously
She's never liked Paul, and he never liked her

And she liked having the blinds up

She loved the sun, the heat
Sitting out by that pool
While I sat in here
Shaking, praying
That the light would go out

That it would just--go out

One day Paul found me in my bedroom
Hiding under the covers
While my wife was outside
Laughing with one of her boyfriends
About how silly I was being

'What is he,' I heard the young man ask, 'Some sort of vampire?'

I wish, I thought
I wish I was
Then I'd have an excuse

Paul found me and sat on the bed
And promised me
That he could stop it for me
That he could stop me from worrying
That he could slow down time
That he could cool it

Because movement generates heat
And time moves so quickly
That it must be hot, mustn't it?

If you think about it

If you were to touch it
If you were able to touch it
I bet it would be scorching

That must be why I hate it here so much

Because here it's always hot

Here I'm always aware of the presence
Of time

When I told my wife I was leaving
She was upset, of course

Not because she loved me
But because of what I provided for her

My family was big money, back East
Back where I should have stayed
But even there during the summers
It gets too hot

She thought I was going back there
And then I told her about Vegas
And she laughed at me

She laughed, Detective

And then she dove right into the pool

'Are you looking for ice,' I asked her

But she couldn't hear me, because she was underneath the water
But that's what I decided
I decided that she had gone looking for ice

So when she started to come up
To come up to breathe
I was waiting for her

I put her head back under the water

'No, no, no' I said, 'You haven't found it yet. It's down there. I can see it. Keep looking.'

And every time she'd come up
I'd push down again
I'd push down
And again
And again

Until she stopped coming up

Then I called Paul and told him I'd be by next week
Once I got everything settled here

And that's the plan, Detective

If you're looking for my wife
She might still be out in the pool
Although I don't know if you'll be getting a story tonight
She's been awfully quiet since she left

Here, not here, here, not here
Everything's become so wonderfully flexible now

So, would you care for that drink?
Or are you ready to go out back
And say hello?

Please choose quickly
I have to get to packing
Paul will be expecting me
At The Royal Ocean

You look a little like him, Detective
Do you know that?

Maybe that's how you got me to tell you
All my secrets

Tongue

Yes, you heard me

I'd like to have my tongue removed

Oh, I really see no need for it

For one thing, I'm tired of talking

All I do all day is talk, talk, talk

I can't wait until I don't have to talk anymore

I look forward to it
The way some must look forward to retiring

No more phone calls
No more conversations
No more offering advice or tips
Or responses to things
I have no interest in responding to

If it were up to me, I'd have you cut my fingers off too
So that I wouldn't be able to type
And then I could truly be at peace

But I suppose that wouldn't be surgery
So much as mutilation

Well no, Doctor
Removing my tongue
Is completely different

Your job as a plastic surgeon
Is to moderate and/or eradicate the parts of myself
That displease me
And nothing displeases me more
Than my tongue

It's not particularly attractive
And even if it were
It's not like anybody can see it

If anything, I try hiding it at all costs

I've managed to cut all of my speech down to 'Mmmm's and 'MmmmMmmmm's

Slight difference, there

I doubt anybody will notice
Once my tongue is gone completely

As long as I can nod
And give pecks on the cheek
I should be able to weather any occasion
Including and especially charity balls

So please, if you could
Just take it right out

Hopefully it's an outpatient procedure

Actually, I have no idea what that means

Does it mean we do it outside?

That would be lovely

I'm not sure I would even need anesthesia
If I could hear birds singing
While you cut the tongue out of my mouth

Just make sure you don't nick my lips with your scalpel
Or damage any of my teeth

I still want to be able to smile

A good smile, Doctor

Now that's a necessity

The Villain Goes to the Dentist

The last time I went to a dentist?

Oh gee, let me think...

When did I try blowing up Nova Scotia?

Six...seven years ago?

You know, time flies when you're renovating an evil lair

That solar panel I put in, well--

I don't know if you're thinking of installing one in here, Doc

Oh, what am I saying? You're not a doctor--hahahaha

Anyway, I would reconsider

Oh sure, it's environmentally friendly, which maybe you're into
But I'm not

If anything, I'd like the world to blow up
Not independently, of course
I would want the credit
But either way, I certain don't want to be friendly
With the environment

The reason I had them installed
Is because my electric bill was through the roof

The Death Chamber just sucks up electricity
And between that and all my kitchen appliances
The bills were out of control

So I install the solar panels
And while I'm doing that, I figure
Hey, why not just do the whole kitchen
And since I have all these appliances anyway--

Oh no, I don't cook
I just find that kitchen appliances
Work incredibly well
As torture devices

A Cuisinart can make a secret agent talk faster
Than any thumb rack, Mr. Dentist
I can promise you that

Anyway I start doing the kitchen over
And the contractors refused to be careful
When it came to tracking mud into the kitchen
Where I just had new Italian marble put down
And one day when I blow up Italy
That stuff is going to be worth something

The final straw was that one of them
Tried petting my koala bear, John Tesh
And that is simply unacceptable

I suppose the man learned his lesson
When John Tesh ate one of his fingers
But nevertheless, I had to fire the whole bunch
And start from scratch

So in answer to your question
No, I have not had a check-up in awhile

It's this back tooth that's bothering me

Every time I drink Deception Serum
It stings in an awful way

Deception Serum?

It's sort of like Truth Serum
Except that it allows you to lie flawlessly

In addition, it tastes like strawberry pop tarts

Normally when I lie, my upper lip quivers
That's if I don't take the Deception Serum

It's why I can never play Balderdash

...or poker, but I don't know how to play that, so it doesn't really--

Anyway, can you fix it?

If you can't, that's fine
But I'll have to destroy you with the Death Ray
As soon as I get it back from the dealership

It broke yesterday while I was trying to evaporate my chiropractor

All it did was startle him
And then he ended up shifting my lower spine out of place
And now I look like my last assistant Pablo
May he never be brave enough to venture out of the Cozy Dungeon!

Well, you see I have two dungeons
The Cozy One and the Not-So-Cozy One
And he managed to escape into the Cozy One
During the Evil Assistant Rebellion of 2005

I would just go down there and get him
But he's got a cat down there
And I'm allergic, so...

I'm sure he'll be up any day now

Where was I?

Right, my back tooth

Can you fix it?

A root canal?

I think I did that to a United States Senator once
When he wouldn't hand over certain...documents

Well, get on with it
But I have to warn you

If at any point I feel even the slightest discomfort
I'm going to have John Tesh put down his Highlights magazine
And bite off one of your feet

Ah, look at your trembling

I bet you're wishing you'd become a real doctor, eh?

Hahaha now, let's get to work

And if you do a good job
I'll give you a lollipop

The Men in the Parade

The men in the parade are pigs
They're garbage carriers
They're destruction and death
And they come

They come on Sundays

That's not a meaningful thing
That's not a commentary
That's not me trying to say something
Without saying it

Because when I wanna say something
You damn well better believe
I say it

The men in the parade
Will not look you in the eye
But they will shoot you

Believe you, me
They will shoot you

They ride with their chins up high
And their eyes forward
Because it makes them feel like they're part of a shell
A shell of a thing
Greater than what they are

The minute you make them feel vulnerable
They call out the pack
And suddenly you're standing in the street
Facing down a shotgun

So you should be careful
Not to be brave

A dead man's bravery ain't worth nothin' to nobody
And you should keep that in mind

And they come on Sunday

And the preacher ain't one of the men in the parade
But he blesses the men in the parade
And he says it's because he blesses everybody
But I would hope he wouldn't bless the devil
If he came riding through town
But maybe he would
Who knows?

All I know is they come on Sunday
And the preacher watches
On the sidewalks
With the rest of us
And when it comes time for him to say his sermons
He don't say nothin' about the men in the parade

Now maybe he should
And maybe he shouldn't
But the point is he doesn't
And I'm not saying anything about that
One way or the other
But nevertheless, nothing is said

The men in the parade will not say who they are
Despite the fact that they claim
They have nothing to be ashamed about

They say they're a club
An order
A group
A league
A faction
A collective

They can't read books
So they burn 'em

They can't understand
So they dictate

They can't create
So they destroy

If you were to research animals in the wild
You would find that the scrawniest
Nastiest, most repulsive members
Of the animal kingdom
Are scavengers

And the men in the parade
Are scavengers

They're an awful lot of things
But they're the least of what they are
Which is men

They can be distinguished as men
But they are not distinguished
Or really men, at all

They're simply floats in a parade
As far as I'm concerned

And little boy, your Daddy is one of them

Now, as your grandfather
It is not my place to say
What kind of man your father is
Or isn't, but he has made a choice
And that choice is to be one of those men
In that parade

It is not my place
As your grandfather
The father of your mother
May she rest in peace
To tell you what to think of your father
Or what kind of man he is
Or what it says about him
That he rides in a parade
With a mask over his face
Wearing his ignorance like a medal of honor

As someone who was awarded the medal of honor in his time
It offends me to see a man be proud
Of his own foolishness

Cowardice offends me even more

I had asked the preacher to speak with you
And your father
But the preacher made it abundantly clear to me
That he does not speak
About such things
Nor is it his place to get involved in
What he calls--

'Family matters'

I pointed out to him that he's perfectly willing
To get involved in 'financial matters'
When I put that new roof on the church
But that was as much as I said
Aside from a few choice words
That you will not hear from your grandfather

So since the preacher will not talk to you
And since I would feel inappropriate commenting on what it means
To have your father be one of the men in the parade

I am merely going to comment
On what it would mean for you
If you were to become
One of those men

You see your father makes a meager living

I suppose he could make a better one
But his 'hobbies' take up a good deal of his time

So you and he are sustained on my earnings
Which is fine, since you are my only grandson
And your mother was my only child

But one day your father will be gone
And so will I
Because that is life
And when he is gone
You will still be taken care of
By my earnings
Because they are expansive enough to provide for you
Long after I am gone

That is, of course, in the event
That you do not become of the men in the parade

A boy should be able to admire his father
And you may, if you like
But if you do, I will have nothing to do with you
And I mean that, painful though it would be for me
You would not be my grandson anymore

I will not have one of those men
In my family
Nor will I fill one of their pockets
Even if the pocket belongs to you

So it's up to you

Who you become
What you believe
What you do
And how you do it

But your mother didn't like your father marching in that parade
And she'd like you doing it even less
And she made that very clear to me
Before she died

So in addition to cutting you off
If you ever put one of those masks over your head
I will beat you until I feel some sense knock loose
And I hope you're clear about that
Because I'm never going to repeat any of it again
And I'm just going to have to hope
That you have my iron memory bank
Locked away in that head of yours

Now, let's watch the parade

And whatever you do
Don't go trying to figure out
Which one he is

Because you won't find him
No matter how hard you look

Mr. Ibsen

Mr. Ibsen, I was wondering if I could...

...Have a word

I have just finished your script
And, well, oh my

Mr. Ibsen, it is...

...Atrocious

Mr. Ibsen, please tell me
That what I just read
Was some sort of horrid prank
Designed to cheer me up
Since my last husband has not yet returned
From his trip to the Arctic

It is his third in two years

I used to think he was adventurous
Now I just think he's suicidal
And a bit melodramatic

Back to your script

This Hedda Gabler is it...serious?

Well, of course it's serious
It's overly serious
It's like reading embalming instructions

I mean, are you serious?

Mr. Ibsen, I realize you are the writer
And a genius, a true genius
Not exactly the life of the party
But then again, geniuses rarely are

The point is, though you are a genius
And though you have made your living
Erring on the side of the...dramatic
This piece is, well...

Mr. Ibsen

It is not dramatic
It is dreary

Oh, please don't misunderstand me, Mr. Ibsen
I would adore acting this role
Just not in front of anybody

What an awful woman, Mr. Ibsen
How could you think of something this repulsive?

This is worse than that play you wrote
About that irresponsible lunatic
Who left her husband and children
Just because she danced the Tarantella

That's not why she left?

Well, then that was very confusing, Mr. Ibsen

If a person can't take a little nap during Act One
Without completely losing track of the plot
Then what hope is there for the theater?

This woman, this Hedda, is the worst character
In the history of writing

What sort of woman does that kind of thing?

Medea? Who's Medea?

Is she the Jervens' new nanny? I heard they got a Greek this time around

It's not bad enough she hides things from her husband
And carries on privately with another man
Having conversations right in her living room
That her husband doesn't know about

But then she just walks away from the whole thing at the end
As if nothing's happened?

What?

She what?

Well, of course I didn't finish reading it!
I didn't want to ruin the ending for myself
For when I actually had to perform it!

Mr. Ibsen, I will not shoot myself offstage
Onstage is one thing
But offstage?

How will I even hear the applause?

I am sorry, but performing this role
As it is written
Is out of the question

Perhaps if you could...lighten it a bit?

I mean, it's so outrageous anyway
Would making it a comedy
Be that far-fetched?

Instead of her shooting herself at the end
What if it turned out that she dreamt the whole thing?
And she could wake up in a forest
Surrounded by fairies
Who tell her that she's really a princess
And she could live forever
Amongst the immortal ones

Doesn't that sound lovely?

I could help you

After all, what is a writer
But an actor
Who isn't afraid to improvise?

May I have a writing instrument?

Oh, this is going to be fun, Mr. Ibsen

Actually, may I call you Henrik?

A Woman Like the Moon

I wish I had a camera
To capture you drinking coffee
With your fingertips
Skating across the rim
Of the cup

Do you know I kissed another girl last night?
On the way back from the bar
The night convinced me
That it was the right thing to do

I let her taste my cigarettes
And she let my hand go up her skirt
And we fucked on a park bench
Except we didn't

But I thought we did

I thought we did until I woke up this morning
And realized that everything after the kiss
Was a mistake made only in my mind

But the kiss remained

I wish I could get a shot of you
Extracting warmth from my shoulder with your cheek

I wish I could comb my hair
And brush my teeth
And shower all at once

I wish I could begin this day
Some other way

But instead I get up and put my hands on the faucets
Lacking the will or strength or energy or balls
To turn them on
And clean even one part of myself

I look in the mirror and see specks of purple lipstick
Clinging to my lips

I go back into the bedroom
And see little purple specks
Everywhere I look

On the photos of us taped onto my walls
And your bra stretched out on my floor
And my pants still zipped but unbuttoned

Did you unbutton those
Or did she?

I seem to remember telling her all about you
About your bad cooking and your great laugh
And your dad dying last year
And the job you turned down in London
So you could stay here with me
While I play backwards Monopoly
And fuck around downtown after three
Trying to figure out which word on my college degree
Best applies to me

'Under' or 'Grad' or 'Honor' or 'Bachelor'

I put my head down in her lap
And she asked if you'd be asleep when I got home

I told her 'No' but I knew you would
Because you always think I'm being good

I didn't recognize that girl at first
But you know who she was?

She was the moon

All blue and serene and persuasive

I wanted her so bad
But all I got was a kiss
And then there was day
And nothing left to do
But come back here
And watch you drink coffee

While I lay in bed
Feeling like I should have woken up
Six years ago

I cheated on you with the moon

You've always been a woman like the moon
But you could never be the moon

And the only hope of this going on
Was the hope that she'd stay in the sky
Far enough away from my eyes
So I couldn't see her splendor

And now I have...

Do you think you'll be able to forgive me
Simply because it was a celestial body I fell in love with last night
And not just a woman?

Can you?

Can you accept my apology?

. . . . .

Well, you're wrong

You don't know it yet
But you're wrong