The Villain Goes to the Dentist

The last time I went to a dentist?

Oh gee, let me think...

When did I try blowing up Nova Scotia?

Six...seven years ago?

You know, time flies when you're renovating an evil lair

That solar panel I put in, well--

I don't know if you're thinking of installing one in here, Doc

Oh, what am I saying? You're not a doctor--hahahaha

Anyway, I would reconsider

Oh sure, it's environmentally friendly, which maybe you're into
But I'm not

If anything, I'd like the world to blow up
Not independently, of course
I would want the credit
But either way, I certain don't want to be friendly
With the environment

The reason I had them installed
Is because my electric bill was through the roof

The Death Chamber just sucks up electricity
And between that and all my kitchen appliances
The bills were out of control

So I install the solar panels
And while I'm doing that, I figure
Hey, why not just do the whole kitchen
And since I have all these appliances anyway--

Oh no, I don't cook
I just find that kitchen appliances
Work incredibly well
As torture devices

A Cuisinart can make a secret agent talk faster
Than any thumb rack, Mr. Dentist
I can promise you that

Anyway I start doing the kitchen over
And the contractors refused to be careful
When it came to tracking mud into the kitchen
Where I just had new Italian marble put down
And one day when I blow up Italy
That stuff is going to be worth something

The final straw was that one of them
Tried petting my koala bear, John Tesh
And that is simply unacceptable

I suppose the man learned his lesson
When John Tesh ate one of his fingers
But nevertheless, I had to fire the whole bunch
And start from scratch

So in answer to your question
No, I have not had a check-up in awhile

It's this back tooth that's bothering me

Every time I drink Deception Serum
It stings in an awful way

Deception Serum?

It's sort of like Truth Serum
Except that it allows you to lie flawlessly

In addition, it tastes like strawberry pop tarts

Normally when I lie, my upper lip quivers
That's if I don't take the Deception Serum

It's why I can never play Balderdash

...or poker, but I don't know how to play that, so it doesn't really--

Anyway, can you fix it?

If you can't, that's fine
But I'll have to destroy you with the Death Ray
As soon as I get it back from the dealership

It broke yesterday while I was trying to evaporate my chiropractor

All it did was startle him
And then he ended up shifting my lower spine out of place
And now I look like my last assistant Pablo
May he never be brave enough to venture out of the Cozy Dungeon!

Well, you see I have two dungeons
The Cozy One and the Not-So-Cozy One
And he managed to escape into the Cozy One
During the Evil Assistant Rebellion of 2005

I would just go down there and get him
But he's got a cat down there
And I'm allergic, so...

I'm sure he'll be up any day now

Where was I?

Right, my back tooth

Can you fix it?

A root canal?

I think I did that to a United States Senator once
When he wouldn't hand over certain...documents

Well, get on with it
But I have to warn you

If at any point I feel even the slightest discomfort
I'm going to have John Tesh put down his Highlights magazine
And bite off one of your feet

Ah, look at your trembling

I bet you're wishing you'd become a real doctor, eh?

Hahaha now, let's get to work

And if you do a good job
I'll give you a lollipop