Well, first and foremost
I have to tell you
That I love your pastry
You have really mastered
The art of the cinnamon bun
If I weren't dead
And could still consume
Food products
I would just love
Living in your time now
Oh, and don't let people tell you
How horrible it is
I had a cousin die from the mumps
The mumps!
Do you people still have the mumps?
Trust me
How things are now are fine
Just fine
Oh, there are things I don't approve of--
Sweatshops
Dollar stores
Walmart
Nobody has any respect for quality
When it comes to goods
Oh yes, your pastry is better
But your shirts fall apart
After ten or fifteen years
What good does that do you?
The flag?
You want my thoughts on the flag
Oh I see how it is
Ask the dead lady patriot about the flag
And you're all ears
But as soon as she starts criticizing big business
Somebody needs to shut her up
Well, let me tell you something
I don't give a Tory's tickler
About the flag
And why should I?
You people haven't updated it at all!
Why you must be on your fifteen or sixteenth colony by now
And it still looks exactly the same
What is the point is saluting something
That was meant to represent a society
That doesn't even exist anymore?
And pledging your allegiance to it?
Most of you don't even understand half that pledge
Why, I don't even understand half that pledge
And I slept with the man who wrote it
Oh, wait a minute
I'm thinking of Francis Scott Key
Never mind
The point is, you all need to stop worrying
What I would think
Of how you live
Wondering what a woman who's been dead for over a hundred years
Would think about how you're living now
Is not only a waste of time
But chances are, you wouldn't like the answer anyway
So why bother asking?
What would the people who wrote the Constitution think about how you treat the Constitution now?
Well, I play poker with them every Tuesday
And when I happened to mention that I would be speaking to all of you
They were eager to give their opinion
On Modern America
And their opinion was--
Why did you give the blacks and the women the vote and why aren't you exiling all those gay people? And for the love of God, please bring back the old-time corset.
THOSE are the people whose principles you strive to keep intact
America may be a house
But it is not a house that belongs to me
Or to the people who were alive when I was alive
Yes, we may have built it
But you're not meant to feel any sort of loyalty
To the person who lived in the house before you
You don't stop yourself from adding on rooms
Or painting walls
Or renovating
Just because the person who was there before you
May not have liked it
It's your house now, so you go ahead and do as you like
And that's what needs to happen to America
You all need to start living in your house
And not in the past
But aside from that, I think you're all doing just lovely
Although, I would make one more small suggestion
Remember to teach your children how to sew
It's a very handy skill
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