A Broken Moment

Did it break the moment I chickened out
When you stepped on my toes
And I let my hands sit on your waist
Instead of slipping them under you shirt
Instead of believing in being bold
Instead of showing you that I could do it
That I could shed the glasses
And practiced persona
And ferocious limitations
And just declare myself to you?

Did it break when we danced together
And I couldn't figure out
The appropriate distance
Between space and you
And time and me
Never seeing
That I should have removed both
And left just us
Dancing there?

Did it break when we sat in your car
And exchanged laughter
Over something--
What?
Something
Something funny
Something I can't remember now
Yet it still makes me happy

Did it break when we spent all day together
You going through your motions
And me memorizing them
Saying to myself 'Yes, this could fit me'
'This could be my life--everyday
And that would be right
I could live this way'

Did it break because I pushed too hard
I said too much
I asked for nothing
I should have asked for something
I should have called less, more, tried, not tried, joked, been stoic, attempted--what?
I should have been a different person or more like myself

Did it break when you met him?
Was it because he supplemented you
Whereas I just gave you another person
To keep track of
To complicate things?

Did it break the night you saw me step back
When you saw that I wouldn't renegotiate
That I wouldn't settle for the original label
That I would stop calling?

Did it break when the rest of me did?
I wonder
I wonder

And can it be fixed?
I hope

And I can hope