The Ice Cream Has a Conversation with Carrie

Carrie, put me down

Put me down for a second

Because we need to talk

Oh, I think you know why

Were you planning on eating me?

Was that what was about to happen?

Carrie, we talked about this

No, please, don't apologize

Don't make this any more awkward than it already is

I knew this was going to happen
When you didn't throw me out of the freezer
As soon as you decided to diet

Why am I still here, I kept saying to myself
And now I know why

So that as soon as things got tough
You could pop me out
And throw away all the hard work you've done

Yes, Carrie
I'm aware that I have pieces of cookie dough in me
But my cookie dough is not the issue here

Your lack of self-control is the issue

I mean, honestly
What did you tell yourself
To get you to pull me out of the fridge like this?

Did you say you were only going to eat half of me?

Because let's be honest, Carrie
We both know that's not going to happen

As soon as you open me up
I'm going to be empty
Before that episode of What Not to Wear is over

Before you know it
You'll be crying directly into me
And going back into the kitchen
To get that unopened tray of Oreos
That you hid behind the Fiber One cereal

If you think what I'm giving you is tough love
Just wait until you hear what those Oreos have to say

You use us, Carrie

You tell all your friends that you're over us
And then one cold, lonely night comes along
And suddenly you want to be friends with benefits again
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not up for that

If you want to devalue yourself
Go find a bag of pork grinds to ingest
But I'm not going to let you inhale me
And then toss me in the trash
Like some hundred calorie pack

I am a treat, Carrie

I am a tasty treat and I am fine in moderation
So don't try making this about me

Now, if you think you're strong enough
You can have a few spoonfuls of me
And put me right back where you found me
Or you can just put me back now
And call me again when you think you're ready
To become the person you want to be

As long as that happens before my 'Sell By' date
I'm a happy half gallon

But you need to figure out
What's going on with you
And that's something I can't help you with

Now, please return me to the freezer
And we'll pretend this whole thing never happened