The Lifeguard

Have you ever been a lifeguard at night?

I guess a lifeguard is something you can only be
During the day

I'm an actor
But, I feel like I'm an actor all the time

Maybe that's my problem

See that wave crashing in on itself?

That looks like someone drowning, doesn't it?

God, how do you tell the difference?

Especially when there are actual people out there?

How do you tell who's drowning and who's just floating along?

I'm going to miss coming to the beach
When it starts getting cold

Sometimes it's hard for me to enjoy the beach
Because I know
It's a temporary thing

I mean, it's always here
But it's not always warm

Sometimes I think about moving somewhere
Where it is always warm
Just for the consistency

I crave consistency

Yet I do theater, which is not consistent

But at least in theater
The inconsistency is consistent

I have a hard time enjoying anything
With a definitive ending date

I never understand people
Who start things
Knowing when they're going to be over

That must be why I'm not much of a reader
Or a film buff
Or why I can't take seasonal jobs
Or have summer flings or...

How long have I been rambling?

I'm sorry, I just...

I feel like if I keep talking
Eventually I'll say something
So amazing
You'll instantly fall in love with me

Either that or you'll kiss me
Just to shut me up

I don't come to this beach anymore

I used to, but...

Not since my brother drowned

He was swimming at night
Nice night, like tonight
Not really dangerous, I guess, except
He didn't have anyone with him

There was a couple walking along the beach
And the guy saw him
He saw him go under
And then not come up back up
So he, the guy, dove into the water
And swam to him, but...

Yeah

My brother had depression
Terrible depression
And when he died
He had been sort of sinking into that
So some people said
That it was, um, planned

That whole, yeah, planned

And I didn't really think about that a lot
But I stopped coming to the beach

He and I used to swim out together
And, you know, body board and stuff
Just fun stuff
Surf, sometimes

He loved the beach
He loved the water
He loved having everything about him
Become small and insignificant
Compared to the ocean
Compared to how vast it is

I don't think I could go in the water again
Even with you here, way up in this chair
Watching me

I'm not scared of drowning though

No, drowning's not at all what I'm afraid of

But if it was
And I was
If I was out there
Drowning

Do you think you'd be able to tell?

Do you think you'd be able to notice the difference
Between drowning
And just
Being lost?

It's a hard thing

It's a hard thing to tell