Naked in Heaven

When you're naked in Heaven
You're wearing an evening gown
Or jeans, or a blue sweater your mother gave you
Or extremely tiny underwear
Or a baseball cap and nothing else

When you're naked in Heaven
Your arms flow into your torso
And your legs flow out of your torso
And your torso is firm and sculpted
And your hair is free of gray or cowlicks
Or bald spots or messiness of any kind

Your skin is pristine
Your nails clip themselves
Your eyebrows stay tamed
Your teeth stay straight
Your ups stay up
And your downs--

Well, you don't have any downs

You're in Heaven after all

When I was alive
My daughter used to walk by my room
And see me in a dress
Adjusting myself

Pushing up this
Pushing together these
Pushing myself into outfits
That were too small for me to wear

And she'd say 'Mommy's beautiful'
And I'd say 'Almost, Vivian, almost'

That what she hears now
Whenever she looks at herself

'Almost, almost'

My granddaughter, Eve, is even worse

She uses her body like an army
Because she's gorgeous
And convinced that one day
It'll all fall apart
And then she'll be nothing

So she exercises her beauty
Like a surgeon's knife

I feel bad for them
And I would feel guilty
If guilt were possible up here

You pass on those sorts of problems, you know

You pass on unhappiness

It's much harder to pass on joy

Or maybe it just seems that way

Up here, we don't make such a fuss about being naked

But then again, up here, 'naked' is more of a concept

Am I naked right now?

I might be

I might look down at myself and realize I'm vulnerable in some way

I might let my hand rest against a part of myself and you might envision something and envision it correctly

I might lift up my arms and let my clothing fall off and surprise you--for a moment

I might be naked

And what would the harm be?

When you die, you shed everything, and not just the physical

You shed the guilt and the grief and the pain and the problems and you stand naked in front of time

And time gives you the choice

To embrace or wait

And some wait

Some wait quite a long time

But I--I was ready to embrace

There wasn't anymore 'Almost'

It was time to let the mirror be the eyes of someone else

I hope my daughter and my granddaughter decide the same as I did when they die
But ultimately, that's up to them

I don't miss being naked on earth

Being naked down there made me feel so disconnected
So dead, really

Now I'm up here
Existing only as a soul in an evening gown

And I feel wonderful

I feel so alive