Top Ten Best Albums That Were Never Actually Made

10.  Believe in Aluminum by The Swarthy Fraggles

This definitely would have been my tenth favorite album if it had actually been recorded.  Instead, the band broke up when the lead singer's girlfriend demanded that she be lead trombonist, which was such bullshit, because Stacey McGillin is probably one of the best trombonists in the music industry, and when she left the band, the entire infrastructure fell apart.  They only got one song down on Believe in Aluminum, and when it leaked onto the Internet, it was pretty horrible, but then Stacey leaked the version of it with her on trombone, and it was the best thing I've ever heard in my entire life and probably would have changed the entire world if it could have gotten mainstream airplay which it wouldn't have because radio is fast food music for those with obese ears who like chicken nuggets.  Nevertheless, this album really could have been something.

9.  Skinny Jeans by Nicous Vixen

"Nicous--for those of you unfortunate enough to not know who he is--is pronounced "Knock It Off, Asshole."  His first album was actually self-titled, but people just thought he was saying "Knock It Off, Asshole" and so they stopped selling his stuff at Walmart, which is probably for the best.  Nicous later attempted suicide by wrapping himself in bacon and throwing himself into the lion's den at the zoo.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, I guess, he hadn't taken a bath for a few days and the bacon wasn't all that fresh, so the lions just kept roaring at him until some of the zookeepers came and got him out.  The public embarrassment was too much for him, and now he operates a llama farm.  He put out a bluegrass album a few years ago, but...yeah...

8.  Own Up To Your Nonsense by The Nonsense

They're still working on this album, but I doubt it'll ever be finished because all of them have been deported to different countries, and three of those countries are war torn.  I light a candle for them everyday.

7.  (401) 282-4479 by Bitches Who Steal Candy

This all-girl band's third album is said to be a masterpiece, but it's tied up in lawsuits, because the phone number is the number of the girl who picked on the drummer in high school.  The liner notes instruct people to call the girl and harass her...for the rest of her life.  I think it's pretty awesome, but I can see how there might be a legal gray area there.  The third song on the album is rumored to be titled "Throw Your S**t at Her House.  She Lives on 34 Stedmore Street in South Kingston.  Seriously, She Deserves It."  God, I would kill to find out what that song's about.

6.  It's Not Really Happening by 31 Down:  Apocalypse

This conspiracy theorist band is so political, when they disappeared on their way to a gig in Fresno, it was rumored that the President himself ran them off the road, then had the C.I.A. wipe their memories clean and turned them into hired assassins.  The first three notes of this album leaked online and they are the most amazing three notes in the history of music.  I was crying before note two.  Seriously, I was.

5.  Umberto Eco Is My Father by J.O.S.E.P.H.P.A.T.T.E.R.S.O.N.

J.Period, as he's more commonly known to those of us who actually know anything at all about music, was only going to be putting half a song on this album, and it was still going to be the best album ever, but instead, he decided to masturbate.  Yet another artist succumbs to tragedy.

4.  My Merry Christmas by Suck My Satan

Suck wanted to sell this album with a vial of his blood.  When he found out that, even in limited release, that would probably kill him, he claimed his record company, or as she prefers to be called--his mom, was keeping his art in a claustrophobic box.  She grounded him, and the album's been in limbo ever since.  And because of that, I've never had a real Christmas.

3.  & by @

The album is a collection of sounds made by wolves playing in a ball pit at a Chuck E. Cheese outside Augusta.  When the record company wanted to autotune the wolves, @ balked, and destroyed all the tapes.  Perhaps one of the greatest losses in the history of loss.

2.  F**k This Album by What the F**k Do You Care?

This debut album would have been the greatest debut album ever, but the artist decided not to complete it.  Instead, he got another job...as President...of a country...a big country...You probably know which country I'm talking about...Yup, that one...the one you're thinking of...Yup...

1.  It Feels Good Not to Be Dead by Elvis

The King has always been a guilty pleasure of mine, and had he completed this last album, it would have put him on the map as not only the King of Rock 'N Roll, but the King of Punk Rock.  That's right.  Elvis's last album was going to be a punk rock masterpiece.  But after he died, putting out an album with this title, just seemed to be uncouth, and so his estate chose not to release it.  But one day, some diehard musical revolutionaries will break into Graceland and give the world of music back what it so desperately needs--a punk rock Elvis album.

Until then, I'll just keep waiting.