Tony Hooper's Audition

Hi, my name is Tony Hooper
And I'm in fourth grade

I will be auditioning for the role of "Hamlet"

Thank you.

. . . . .

Aw geez, Ma
Why'd ya have to go and marry Uncle Steve?
That's gross!

And I'm still really sad because Dad's dead
And I saw his Ghost yesterday
And he told me that if I don't start loving Christmas
I'm going to wind up just like him
And Tiny Tim's going to die

And I don't know whether I should eat a hamburger
Or not eat a hamburger

You know when you're sort of hungry and--

Next?

You want me to do another monologue?

Because I have a contemporary one
My drama teacher, Mrs. Brugel
Says that you should always have a classical monologue
And a contemporary one

Or in other words
One people can understand
And one they can't

So I have my contemporary one
And I have sixteen bars

Singing?  Ohhh nooo, I don't sing

I meant I have sixteen Nestle Crunch bars in my backpack
Because sometimes I get low flood sugar
Which is when you body needs to be flooded with sugar


Oh, I know it's not Uncle Steve
But my uncle's name is Steve
So I was just bringing myself to the character
And let me tell you something--it worked!

My Uncle Steve is like fifty years old
So it would be super gross if my mom married him
But I guess if she married my Uncle Dan it wouldn't be so bad
Because he has a flat screen

Maybe if Hamlet's uncle had a flat screen
He wouldn't have been so upset
We could go over that during table work if you want
Tomorrow?  Isn't that when you're having an audition for the children's show?

I don't mean to be rude, Mr. Director
But I can't do children's theater

The last time I did theater with other kids
I had to play Pig #2 in The Three Little Pigs
And that's the pig with the least amount of lines
So I improvised a little
And the director got very mad at me
Even though I explained to him
That I'm a method actor
And that means I do whatever I want
And then blame the character

Well that's how Mrs. Brugel explained it to me!

Why can't I play Hamlet?

Too young?!?!

Sir, I don't mean to make you feel foolish
But back then, Hamlet would not have been very old
He probably only would have been eight, eight and a half
Maybe nine, but definitely no older than that

Romeo and Juliet were pretty much just toddlers
That's why they whine so much

Are they in this play?  I forget

Oh good

I saw my aunt in a production of that once
And I was snoring before they told us to turn off our cell phones

. . . . .

But why can't I be in the show?

Doesn't Hamlet have a younger brother?

Let me tell you something
I have a younger brother
And if there's anything that'll make you as cranky as Hamlet is
It's a younger brother

What about Ophelia?  Can I be her?

In Shakespeare's day, all the parts were played by boys anyway!

And I can't swim
So that whole drowning thing
Would be super easy for me!

Okay fine

But one day, when I win a Macaroni Award for Best Actor Who Ever Played Hamlet
I'm not going to thank you

So...thank you

Now if you'll excuse me
I have to wait for my mom to pick me up

...Anybody good auditioning after me?