Jack Hardy at the Oscars

Did you see that movie?

I didn't

It looks stupid

You can tell because the title is stupid

Stupid things have stupid names

Like Cooper

Everybody named Cooper is stupid

I dated a Cooper once

He broke up with me

He was stupid

I should call him

Why aren't we sitting with the movie stars?

I want to meet Anne Hathaway

And tell her that I'm over her

I loved her

Then I hated her

Then I sort of loved her again

Now I'm over her

She doesn't even register to me

She's like a shellfish

She's just there, you know?

Whatever

Do they have popcorn here?

But, like, fat-free popcorn?

No fat, no salt, no butter, half corn, half air?

You know where they make the best popcorn?

This island in the Mediterranean

I went there once

It was awesome

Way better than here

There were only, like, three people there

I loved it

I want to go back

And not be here

Here sucks

Everywhere else is kind of better

Until I get somewhere else

And then I usually hate it

Which is why I'm an artist

I made an ashtray once

It moved people

Nobody wanted to use it

I brought it to a party and people were smoking and letting the ash drop on the floor

Because they didn't want to ruin what I had created

I'm not kidding

That party was lame

Are there going to be parties after this?

Can we go to them now?

Can this be over?

This show is way too long

I fell asleep and died like an hour ago

You're talking to my ghost right now

He's a sassy ghost

I call him Sassy Ghost with capital letters

And he's getting a tv show

And it's pretty prime

Like primetime like amazing like better than everything

One of the movie stars here can guest star on it

But not Anne Hathaway because I'm over her

Although she looks pretty

Maybe I'm not over her

I'm so torn

James Franco is a puppet

He's a puppet being manipulated by otters

If you look behind him

There's an otter telling him what to do

His little otter paw is up James Franco's shirt

And he's controlling him

And the otter doesn't even care

He's an apathetic otter

Because they wouldn't waste an enthusiastic otter on James Franco

That's how lame he is

It's hot in here

Who can I ask to turn down the heat?

Do they want to see my nips?

Is that what this is about?

Because I'm too classy to go around showing my nips

And nobody's given me alcohol yet

So fat chance, kids, fat chance

Although they are pretty prime nips, let me tell you

Do you smell Tostitos?

I think Amy Adams is eating Tostito's

She's all--'I'll eat Tostito's.  I don't care.'

I love that bitch

That's how you have to be

You eat those Tostito's, girl

Don't let anybody tell you that you're wrong

Ugh, can we go already?

Has it even started yet?

Are they going to do a tribute to dead movie star orphans who need money?

Because I'm not emotionally accessible right now

So something like that would probably just give me a rash

What category are they doing now?

Best Original Screenplay?

Oh okay, one of the less important ones

I'm going to the bathroom

I might not come back

Or I might

I'm super mysterious like that

Later

Want me to stay?

Just checking

Later

Ps. B-t-dubs, can I have a twenty?

Thanks

Later

I forgot my--never mind

Later

Bye

For real

Okay

Do you hate me?

Great

Later