Antony and Cleopatra at the Mall

When you've lived a good life
And loved, deeply and with unlimited passion
The gods reward you
By letting you spend eternity
In a beautiful field
Filled with flowers
And an endless amount of sunshine

And when you've spent your entire life
Screwing your friend's girlfriend
Only to kill yourself
Because you've lost your mind
Over how hot she is
The gods punish you
By making you spend eternity
In a shopping mall

. . . . .

I don't tell him that's not as good of a lover
As Caesar was

Not even when we fight
Which we do
Every day

When I ask why we can't spend our Afterlives
In Filene's basement
When the bargains are astounding

He just gets mad and says--

'I was a great ruler.  Men bowed down to me.  Women killed themselves when I would gaze upon them.  I am not spending one second in a Filene's basement!'

He has no appreciation
For a good bargain

. . . . .

She's still as jealous as ever

Yesterday we were in Yankee Candle
And she saw me looking at Joan of Arc

Well, the next thing I knew
A pineapple summer candle
Went crashing down upon my head

'What was that for?'
'Don't act like you weren't gazing at her!'
'Of course I was gazing at her!  She's on fire!'

But it didn't matter

'Wait until we get to Bed, Bath, and Beyond.  Then you're really going to get it.'

Usually by the time she's looking at fifty-dollar hampers
She's calmed down a little bit
But by then I'm exhausted

I should have married a nice plebian girl

Then I'd be in that field
Eating a picnic lunch
And trying to figure out what the clouds resemble

Instead I'm drinking an Orange Julius
Listening to her plan out the next hundred years

. . . . .

'Well, I'm going to want to spend at least four hundred years in H&M.  They're having a sale.  Then I need to pick up some shoes, but we'll have to go to a few different stores for that.  I want one that's having a sale.  After that I'm thinking we could hop over to Coach for two or three hundred years.  I'm sure by then they'll be having a sale.  Oh!  Antony look!  A sale!  Well, now I have to completely rethink the plan!'

. . . . .

If I could kill myself again, I would
But then I'd probably end up in a smaller mall
With a smaller version of her
With an even smaller Orange Julius

. . . . .

It's not difficult to make a man happy

. . . . .

And yet she knows how to make me happy

. . . . .

Just look him in the eyes
Let a few tears well up
And say--

'But Antony...I need it...'

. . . . .

She thinks I don't know what she's doing
That's what makes it so charming

. . . . .

'I wuv you, Antony'

. . . . . .

You know in this entire mall
The one thing you cannot find
Is an asp