The Science Project

What do you mean it has to fly?

Like FLY fly?

Like fly in the air?

This is for our son, right?

Our son who's in second grade, right?

Because making a pencil fly through the air
Is not something that a second grader would be capable of

Actually, it's not even something
God is technically capable of
Or at least, he doesn't seem to allow it to happen
All that often

So how is his teacher expecting that we should--?

Can we rig some sort of pulley system?

Does it have to fly or just float?

I mean, both are equally impossible
But flying indicates going around the room
And impaling people in the eye
Whereas floating seems a little safer

Again, neither one is going to happen
Because our son is in second grade
And the fact that they're even making him do a science fair project is ridiculous
When they know full well
That we're going to end up doing it at 3am
After working all day
While he's asleep upstairs

What we should do
Is go over to his teacher's house
Knock on his door
And sit in his living room
While he explains to us
How HE would make a pencil fly
Since apparently I missed the lecture on that
When I was getting my engineering degree

Well, what does the worksheet say?

Connie, there is ALWAYS a worksheet

Worksheets are our only lifeline
In this situation

The worksheet is the only thing
That allows us even a fleeting glimpse
Into Mr. Rutledge's twisted psyche

Oh, who are we kidding?

Mr. Rutledge didn't write that worksheet
He pulled it off worksheets.com
And now we're studying it like it's the Hammurabi Code
Turning it over
Hoping that magical instructions
Will just appear on the back side of it
Telling us how to do this stupid project

Remember Mrs. Tanner last year?
How fantastic she was
How she never assigned homework on weekends?
How we didn't even know her last name
Until the last week of school?

Our son just went to school, came home
And brought us pictures of ourselves
Made out of rigatoni

God, I miss first grade

How did we go from rigatoni family portraits
To defying the laws of physics
In one year?

Connie, I don't care if kids in China
Know how to make pencils fly
Here in America
We believe in GRAVITY!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell

But I'm tired
And I'm frustrated
And I'm staring at a pencil
And a worksheet
And a note from Mr. Rutledge
Reminding me that next week is 'Dress Your Child Like an Assassinated President' week
And you know we're not going to get Lincoln
Because that would be too easy!

Why couldn't we have had one more year
Where everything was easy?

One more year of finger painting and basic addition?

Never mind, let's get back to work

...It's too late to start homeschooling him...

...Right?