Fred the Zombie

Hmm?

Yeah, I see him
I see him

Yeah, but he's running
And you know
He's alive

He'll probably put up a fight

I only have one arm left
And lifting it up is sort of--

You know?

Just not worth it

I've been eating this severed head I found in my driveway last week
And it's been holding me over

Lately I only want to eat people half my age
And they just run so much faster
But it's like, they're the only ones I want to catch, you know?

I would have been forty-three this year
If I hadn't died in the worldwide epidemic
That turned me into a zombie

Forty-three, and what have I done with my life?
Or my after-life for that matter?

I'm still living in the same house
Still hanging out with the same people
Still walking down the same street day after day
Trying to see if there's anybody new to eat

I mean, don't you ever want more?

I used to have such big dreams
And now that I'm dead, it's like--

What's the point?

My friend Steve got a new eye
You know, to try and look younger
He pulled it out of this corpse
And stuck it right in his socket

He keeps saying it's the same eye he's had all along
But it doesn't match the other eye
And everybody thinks he looks ridiculous

But nobody tells him that
Because we don't want to upset him

The guy's walking around like someone
Who's been dead
Less than half the time he has

I keep telling him 'Steve, we're old dead guys. We smell. There's no reason to keep dressing up every day. We could walk around naked eating people. Who would care? Not the people we're eating!'

But he just tells me I'm being a cynic

Which, you know, maybe I am
But I just don't see the need
For all the growling and shuffling around
Scavenging for food

Can't we just look into reopening the supermarkets?
Maybe try diversifying our diets?

I know I for one
Wouldn't say to a Indian
Every once in awhile

And would it be so bad if we could all just hold each other
Every now and again?

Just all get together
And, you know
Embrace?

Those of us who still have noses
And a discernible sense of smell
Could try breathing through their mouths or something?

I think that would be really great

It would really help us
Become better zombies, I think

I think we all just need to think
About what our ultimate plans are

You know, like, where are we going with this?

This whole zombie thing

I mean, am I the only one
That wants to write poetry?

Is it just me?

Because I'd really like to put pen to paper
And just...communicate, you know?

Am I asking for too much here?

Maybe some yoga classes?

Wouldn't it be great if we all refocused our attention
On the things we really need?

Like something to keep our limbs attached
And the ability to launder our clothing?

Just because we're dead humans doesn't mean we have to lose our humanity, does it?

I sure hope not

Now, if you'll excuse me
I have to go see how my girl scout foot
Is doing in the new crock pot I just got

Let me tell you something
If I weren't dead
My life would be changed
Because that crock pot
Is life-changing

See you at the block party!