Backstage at the Original Production of Hamlet

I just...I don't know...you know?

That ending...

Woof

I mean, does EVERYBODY have to die?

EVERYBODY?

Well, it doesn't bother me
I'm Horatio

I mean, it sort of bothers me
That I don't get as many lines as Laertes
When I'm clearly a better character
But, whatever, I'm not the author

I'd have to be drunk wayyy more often
To be the author

I like the name change for Ophelia though
When we were calling her 'Expunga'

Although I liked it better when she moved to Switzerland
Instead of going crazy
And drowning herself

How do you drown yourself anyway?

Don't you just instinctively come up?
Like, your body fights to live, doesn't it?

I tried to drown a bag of kittens once
And they all kept popping out of the bag
And swimming back to shore

They were like super kittens

I finally just gave up
And left them in the pond swimming

They're probably still there

Oh hey, Richard!  How are you?

...Did you see him in Henry?

Ugh...that was...ugh...

That play needed shorter acts and longer intermissions

By the end of it
I was ready to Ophelia myself

That still moved faster than this play though
I'll tell you that much

Are we only on the Gravedigger?

Are you kidding me?

I could have bled thirty patients by now

Oh yes, in my spare time
I dabble in medicine
It's sort of a hobby of mine

Great job out there Robert!

Could he milk that Ghost scene any more?

It's iambic pentameter
Not an iambic marathon

We should just cut the whole ghost thing
I mean, it's not like it's important

That whole scene could be some guy saying to Hamlet--

'Hey, I think your uncle killed your father'

Bang, twenty minutes off the play

You know what?

I could say it

I'm in that first scene anyway

Then we could add this whole layer to Horatio
About him playing both sides
And sleeping with Ophelia when Hamlet's not around
And maybe at the end
We find out that he goes to France
And goes on a series of adventures
That could be documented in a future play

...Just a suggestion

At this point, anything helps

I hope you're looking for another play to jump into, Simon
Because this play's going to close
Before we get to the bows

The theater is cruel, Simon

It's a cruel, cruel place