Hello class!
I know what you're all thinking
Where's Mrs. Potter?
What have we done to deserve to have Mrs. Brugel from third grade
Sub for us today?
Well, if you smashed your car into Mrs. Potter's Subaru
Then your hard work paid off!
Hahaha--just a little joke to lighten the mood
The good news is, Mrs. Potter is totally fine
And she's only taking a few days off
Due to her stress level
Can you believe that kids?
One little head-on collision
And she's a ball of nerves!
I should take her to my mother's house for Thanksgiving
Then she'd really need some time off!
Hahaha--again, just a little joke
Now, I've never taught a Home Ec class before
So this is really going to be something
We never had Home Ec when I was in fifth grade
But I guess it's never too early to learn how to submit
To age-old misogyny!
So--what was Mrs. Potter teaching you
Before that soccer mom
Spilled her martini all over herself
And ran right into her?
How to tailor pants?
How to knit a sweater?
How to get baby vomit out of a brand new blouse while your husband tells you to move out of the way so he can watch the game?
Hahaha--oh I love talking about my sister
So, what are we learning about?
Baking?
Ohhh that's just lovely
Gloria Steinem is probably rolling in her grave
Well, she's not dead yet, but she might as well be
With all those crow's feet!
Am I right?
Hahaha--so what are we baking?
Chocolate chip cookies?
Ohhh that takes me back
Normally I wouldn't share this with my third graders
But since you're in fifth grade
I'm sure most of you have already experienced
The rumblings of womanhood
I was in high school
And there was a bake sale
To benefit the school's Abstinence Team
So I decided to make my Grandmother's Famous Chocolate Chip Cookies
Version Number One
(There were several versions because after Grandmother started becoming demented, she tinkered with her recipe and ended up making the cookies with pencil shavings and cat food.)
Anyway, the cookies were a big smash
I sold out almost immediately!
And, here's the naughty confession, girls
I had a secret plan for why I wanted to raise the most money
I had a crush on the Captain of the Abstinence Team
John Jacob Jeremy Jenkins
We used to call him J5
Because his third middle name
Was Joseph
Anyway, he walked right over to my table
And, when he saw that I sold all my cookies
His face took on this gorgeous smile
'YES!' he said, 'This means we can go on the field trip to Christianity Cove!'
I thought that would be it
The moment when he would finally admit that he loved me
And that he wanted to take me
To the E.LO. concert!
Instead, he leaned in and whispered--
'And that means I'm finally going to get Molly McStevens to go all the way.'
It turns out the Abstinence Team
Was just a front
A bunch of the football players had created it
As a means to lure the unsuspecting church girls
Into a web of lust and sodomy
I felt so bad for those poor girls
Knowing all the horrid things
Those boys were going to try to do to them
And then I realized--that was why I hadn't been asked to join the Abstinence Team!
Despite the fact that Abstinence
Was pretty much second nature to me
Even back then
I was furious!
The next thing I knew
I blacked out
And when I came to
I was covered in pig's blood
And the auditorium was littered
With the unconscious bodies
Of my classmates
Ahh...those were the days
I'm sorry, where was I going with that?
Right! Cookies!
I'm so excited I even brought my--'I'm a Saucy One' apron
Men just love a woman
Who can appreciate a good pun, girls
Write that down somewhere
Okay--let's bake!
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