This Purse Is Too Small

No, I'm telling you
This purse is too small

It's too damn small
I can't even fit my arm inside it
To get what I need

You should have to dig deep in a purse
You should have room to stick your whole arm in it
Up to your shoulder

Otherwise, it's too small

Ohhh my husband got it for me

He means well, which is what you say about stupid people
When they hand you crap
And smile like they've discovered uranium

Here honey, I got you a ziploc bag
You can use as a purse

It holds chapstick and two pennies
And everything else you can hold in your arms
Or juggle or something as you walk

I can't even fit a towel in here

What if I spill something?

How am I going to clean it up?

Napkins?

I'm not carrying around any napkins in my purse
I'm not a street person, for crying out loud

Now I have to think about which of my make-up can go in here

I can't fit the ruby lipstick AND the deep velvet lipstick
So I have to choose
My life is turning into Sophie's Choice
Because of this purse

Good thing I didn't throw out my old purse

I told my husband I did
But I secretly stashed it
Where I keep my unopened shoes

Let me tell you something
THAT was a purse

I could fit three of these purses
Into that purse

One time I fit an entire bridesmaid dress into that purse
And the gift I was bringing to the wedding

I could have put my husband into that purse
God knows he was small enough
That was back when he was still eating his mother's food
Starving Mongolians would turn down that woman's lasagna

I'm going to take this purse to a magician
And see if he can do that thing to it
That they do where they put the bag on the table
And put like fourteen rabbits into it

Who cares if it's magic?

You slip a magician a twenty
You're telling me he's not going to wave his wand a few times?

I just have to do it
Before my husband gets back
From having his ears pinned back

Well, I'm sorry
But I got sick of waking up
To the cover of Mad magazine everyday

So before he comes home with the new ears
I gotta find a way to make this purse work

Ugh, the things you do
For the ones you love