I'm Going to Go Ahead and Judge You

You know what, honey?

I'm going to go ahead
And judge you

Oh, I know I shouldn't
Because you can't tell a book
By its cover
But your cover is a picture of a mess
That is not being cleaned up

And I have no desire
To buy that book

So I'm going to go right on ahead
And keep thinking
What I'm thinking

Now before I ring you out
I want to ask you a few questions

Is that nasty look on your face
Because your husband just left you
Or somebody wronged you recently
Or you're dealing with some sort of crisis
Perhaps of a medical nature
Like your daughter is turning into a blueberry
Or your son needs a new head?

No?

You're just in a nasty mood?

Then take that uglyass look off your face

Everybody's in a nasty mood

You didn't the memo?

The economy sucks
The movies suck
And some people are living with their mother-in-laws
Because they got knocked up by an unemployed stunt double
And they're still smiling
So you better be smiling too
Unless you got a good reason not to

Now are you wearing this outfit
Because you didn't feel well today?
Maybe you had a cold
The sniffles
Maybe you're a day away from dying

Because I don't know if you're aware of it or not
But the outfit you have on
Is a terminally ill outfit

I'm thinking you're going to buy these four shirts

(By the way, all of these are a size small--and 'small' is a statement, not a suggestion)

You're going to home
And die right on your couch
Watching Wheel of Fortune

Because that is the outfit you have on

So are you dying?

No?

Then why the hell would you leave you house looking like that?

Don't you care about your appearance?
Don't you care about being a decent looking member of society?
Don't you care about the fact that even if you don't care what you look like
The rest of the world has to look at the top part of your ass
On full display?

And maybe we don't want to look at your ass

Honey, I haven't even looked at my own ass in years

I sure as hell don't want to be seeing yours

And don't tell me you can't afford nice clothes either
Because if you can afford four pairs of pink sweatpants
Which I'm SURE you own
Then you can afford to buy one outfit that fits you

And as for the bad skin
And the bad teeth
And the bloodshot eyes

I'm thinking you either suffer from leprosy
Have tooth cancer
And didn't sleep last night
Because you were taking care of your sick ostrich

Or you smoke and drink and party too much

Which one is it?

You know what you find when you get older?

You find that the answer you don't like
Is always the right answer

I could pass an exam
For a class I've never taken before
Just by picking the answers
I like the least

And the same thing works for people

So I'm going to go ahead and judge you
Because benefitting people's doubt
Takes too damn much of my damn time

Sorry for the honesty
But consider it a gift with purchase

Now take your t-shirts and leave
Before you say something nice
And change my opinion