Love in a Gondola

Well I can't help it if I'm seasick

And I can't help that we're not technically at sea

My body feels rocking
My nose smells ocean
My eyes see water

I get seasick

What do you want from me?

Oh for chrissakes, put your pants back on
This was a huge mistake

For one thing, the water is filthy

I think I saw a dead body float by

A what?

A doll?

Well, that's just sick

A dead body I could understand
But why are they throwing life-sized dolls in the water?

What did it rat out somebody in the doll mafia?
Did it make eyes at Barbie while Ken was looking?

This was a mistake

And you telling the guy you could row the gondola

Did he give you one of those big oars?

Well, how the hell are we supposed to row?

Did you think about this?

If you think I'm sticking my hand in the water
And treading water until we hit the shore over there
You got another think coming

You know what I'm going to tell you to stick in the water?

Yeah, you know

You know

Wasn't it enough that we were gonna make love in Italy?

Did you have to up the ante
And have us make love in a gondola?

You know I get nauseous
When there's too much movement involved

What's that face for?

Yeah, I saw that face
And let me tell you something

If you wanted a wife who could do all sorts of jumping around in the bedroom
You shoulda married a circus girl
One of them crackabats

That's what you shoulda done

Maybe your crackabat could have jumped off the boat
And landed right on the shore
After going at it with you in this boat
But unfortunately you married me
So now we're stuck here
And I'm very sick
And I might throw up
And if I throw up in that water
It's going to sit there and I'm going to have to look at it
Until somebody comes and rescues us
And then I'm going to get even more sick
And throw up again
And pretty soon this entire canal
Will be full of my vomit
And we'll get thrown in an Italian jail
Where a thieving peasant will take advantage of you

Why would he take advantage of me?
They're not going to throw me in jail with a thieving peasant
I'm a woman
I could be with child

They don't know that

Out here women have babies when they're seventy

It's the olive oil
It keeps them fertile

Out here they're having babies
At their own funerals
There are miracles everywhere
Why the hell do you think I want to go home?

I don't need you giving me no more miracles
We just shipped the last one off to college

What are you pulling out of your pocket?

So help me God
I'll reach into that water
Pull out that doll
And beat you with it

If I...

Awww, sweetie

The necklace I saw in the store
Two months ago

You snuck that all the way here?

Ugh, I could kill you I love you so much

Happy Anniversary, baby

Now put your pants on
Dive in the water
And give this gondola a good push

I don't want to miss our plane