That Thing on My Elbow

Matthew, that thing on my elbow is growing

No, I swear
It is growing

It is not a 'bump,' Matthew

A 'bump' makes it sound like it's innocent
And it is not innocent, Matthew
It is insidious

Last night, I was watching the news
And they said
That the terrorists
Are inserting computer chips
Into innocent civilians
To learn about America's weaknesses

Well Matthew, aren't I around you night and day?
And don't you work for the DMV?

If they want to learn about the weakness of America
Who better to plant a listening device into than your wife?

Matthew, I have to worry about it
How can I not worry about it?

Do you know that Sarah's husband
Never worried about anything
And then two days ago, he felt a pang in his collarbone

He thought nothing of it
Didn't worry about it
And this morning he dropped dead

He spent his entire life
Being happy and carefree
And now he's dead

If he'd spent his life worrying
He'd still be alive
Think about that, Matthew

Ohhh the bump

The bump is turning yellow

That means I have Mad Cow, Matthew
That's what that means

Remember ten years ago
When they said everybody was going to get Mad Cow
And nobody did
And people stopped panicking?

What they forgot is that Mad Cow
Has a ten-year incubation period
And I ate a hamburger
Ten years ago
Today

And now I'm going to pay for it

You're punished for everything you do in life

Eating a hamburger
Smoking a cigarette
Marrying the wrong--

Just things, you know, random sorts of things

Matthew, what if my arm falls off?

You'd have to kill me

I won't go through life
Without two arms

I refuse to be asymmetrical

Dear Lord, I could die at any minute

I would confess my sins
But what if God doesn't know about all of them?

I was always very good at keeping secrets

Matthew, my elbow feels numb

The Mad Cow is crawling into my brain

Pretty soon I'll be a flesh-eating zombie
Pretty soon I'll be trying to eat you, Matthew

Promise me that no matter what
You won't let me eat the fatty parts of you

I want to be able to fit into the dress I picked out
To buried in, and I--

Oh...

Would you look at that?

It came off

The thing on my elbow came off

I guess it was just a very thinly sliced piece of cheese
From that sandwich I was making you earlier

Well, you know what that means, Matthew

It's your fault that I've been scared to death all day

But it's all right, sweetheart
I forgive you

Now eat your sandwich