Sunburn

I used to let him make love to me
When I was too tired to move

I liked feeling myself become powerless
While he gained weight on top of me

My strength falling out
His gaining, expanding

He didn't know what I was doing
And that's what I liked about it

The fact that we were satisfying one of my urges
And he wasn't even aware of it

Sometimes I'd prick one of my fingers
And then hide it from him
Until he was engaged in me

Then I would run the finger down his back
Leaving a small, thin line of red
Between his shoulder blades
Down, down, down

He'd always shower afterwards
So he'd never see the red
But I'd know it was there
And that turned me on more than anything

Sometimes under my breath
I'd whisper 'Stop, stop, stop'
Softly, so he couldn't hear

But one time he did
And he stopped
And asked if I was okay
And I got mad
And rolled over
And he couldn't figure it out

What had he done?

He had stopped

I was mad that he listened
I didn't want him to listen

There were things he did that hurt
And I didn't tell him

As a matter of fact, I'd act as if I enjoyed it
When I didn't, not at all
I don't enjoy pain
I'm not abnormal

I enjoy having pain inflicted upon me
But not the pain itself

But I liked being in pain
While making him think
That I was in ecstasy

I liked knowing that I could present one thing
While something different happened inside me

Every time we made love
He'd look into my eyes

And I'd ask him
I would
Honestly
It's the most truthful thing I could do to him
For him, for myself

I'd look at him
And beg, really beg

Please, I'd think, please understand

Please do what I need you to do
Please don't make me do it for you

And he'd look at me
And every so often, he'd say

'I love you'

And that's when I'd realize
That he wasn't going to get it

He was never going to understand