"Geena, have you seen Inception?"
"I was in 'Inception.'"
"You were?"
"Yes. I played the lead."
"No, dear, I think that was Leonardo DiCaprio."
"That was just an editing trick."
"Are you sure?"
"Sigourney, I think I would know if I was in Inception or not."
"Then can you explain it to me?"
"Yes. It was about caterpillars."
"I don't remember there being any caterpillars."
"I see someone wasn't paying attention."
. . . . .
"Sigourney, who do you think should win Best Actress?"
"Me."
"But you weren't in anything this year."
"What's your point?"
"You have to do something in order to win."
"I don't see the logic in that."
"But you didn't do anything."
"I did many things this year. All of them admirable."
"But you didn't make any films."
"Yes, I did! I made that film with Jamie Lee Curtis!"
"Oh well, darling, that's nothing to be rewarded for."
"Why I--"
"If anything, I think you should be punished for it."
"I would be insulted if I'd actually seen the movie, but the trailer looked just awful, even with me in it."
"Does Jamie Lee Curtis have incriminating photos of you or something like that?"
"Well, yes, but that isn't why I did the movie."
"You poor thing."
. . . . .
"Geena, have you ever made love to James Franco?"
"Many, many times."
"Really?"
"Have you?"
"Oh, of course. I made love to him just yesterday."
"Did he try reading to you from that awful book of short stories he wrote?"
"Oh God, no. Every time he takes it out, I pretend to fall asleep."
"I do the same thing whenever he tries making me watch the episodes of General Hospital he was on."
"Did he make you watch Date Night?"
"...Well..."
"It's okay."
"I...I didn't want to..."
"Geena, he made me watch it too."
"Oh God, I thought I was the only one."
"We will carry this secret together. Take my hand."
"You're wearing mittens."
"I was speaking metaphorically."
"I wish you would stop doing."
. . . . .
"Sigourney, at what age did you win your Oscar?"
"I haven't won an Oscar, Geena."
"I was fourteen."
"You were absolutely not fourteen."
"I was fourteen, and my father was there to see me win it. It bothered him because he had never won one, and he still holds it against me."
"I believe you're thinking of Tatum O'Neal, Geena."
"Nobody thought Paper Moon was going to be a hit, but my little fourteen-year-old self knew differently."
"I don't think she was fourteen when she won."
"Later my father would hit on me at Sonny Bono's funeral."
"I think we should stop there."
"All the leaves are brown...leaves are brown..."
"I'm going to say I need to use the ladies room when I really I'm just going to walk around the block until you're done."
. . . . .
"Sigourney, how was the ladies room?"
"There was too much snow in it."
"Yes, I'll have to have the butler look into that."
"You have a butler?"
"No, that's just what I call my husband."
"Who is your husband?"
"Christian Bale."
"Ah, he has a temper."
"He does indeed. Just last week he killed everyone else in the Best Supporting Actor category."
"Oh, did he kill Geoffrey Rush?"
"He did."
"Well, that's too bad. I like him."
"You're thinking of Dustin Hoffman."
"You know what? I am."
"He also killed Robert Palmer."
"The 80's icon?"
"Yes."
"What was he nominated for?"
"Nothing. Christian just felt like killing him."
"What a shame."
"He's not easy to love, but he's excellent at getting stains out of carpeting. He really has to be, you know, what with all the murdering."
"I would imagine."
"Mmmm, yes."
. . . . .
"Are you sure you were in Inception?"
"I was in all ten of the Best Picture nominees: Beetlejuice, Bullworth, Beauty and the Beast, Earth Girls Are Easy, Easy Rider, Don't Be a Menace, Dennis the Menace, Stuart Little, Little Shop of Horrors, Punch Drunk Love, and Homeless at Harvard: The Liz Murray Story."
"That's one movie too many."
"Oh...well then...take our Easy Rider. It wasn't my best performance anyway."
"You had quite a year, Geena."
"Oh yes, it was a very good year."
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