Peter Skaton Explains His Theory on Shoveling Snow

Here's my theory on shoveling show:

What's the point?

Why don't we just wait until it melts?

Tonight my Mom made me go out and shovel the walkway
So that it would be clear tomorrow morning

This was while it was still snowing

Does this make sense to anybody else?

That's like saying--Here, go put water in that barrel with the hole in it.

Why shovel snow
When we live in an area
That is guaranteed to warm up
After a few months?

Why not just wait and let the snow pile up until then?

'Then how would you get to school,' my mother asks
'I don't understand the question,' I reply

Do you know people have died shoveling snow?

I tried to explain that to my mother
And she told me that thirteen-year-olds don't die from shoveling snow
Only the mothers and fathers of thirteen-year-olds when their sons
Refuse to do the shoveling

That's right, she played the guilt card

That's why I faked a heart attack in our driveway
To teach her a lesson

That the heart is a precious and unpredictable organ
That can give out at any time for any reason
If forced to strain itself

My mother opened up the window
And yelled out--

'When you're done having a coronary, make sure to get the front steps too.'

Part of me wanted to just let the snow pile up over me
And that way she'd be forced to come outside and dig me up
Like a buried bone or something

But instead I kept shoveling

And when I was done I went inside
And there was a cup of hot chocolate waiting for me

I looked at it
Then looked at my mom sitting on the couch

'Are you going to drink it,' she asked, 'Or do you have a theory about that, too?'

Just wait until fall
When she hears my theory
On raking leaves