Fake Glasses

No, I don't need the glasses
Who needs glasses?

Ew

I just look good in glasses

I can't wait around for my vision to erode
Just so I can look good

And these glasses are prime
They're seriously primetime

Like, my glasses are premiering at 8pm on Fox--Tune in

Huh?

Um, do you not know about slings?

They're, like, the new best thing ever

Everybody has their arm in a sling
It's all over Manhattan

If you go to Manhattan right now
Everybody there looks like they just broke their arm

All the cool people anyway

But you have to get a topaz sling
You can't just use the one they give you at the hospital

Some people use a gutted out Marc Jacobs bag for their sling
But the only person I know that can pull that off besides me
Is Anderson Cooper, so I wouldn't recommend it

Huh?

Ew!

Of course I don't need braces
My teeth are fine

But apparently somebody didn't see the new Esquire Black Book edition

Everybody has braces now

Perfect teeth or not--and yes, I have perfect teeth
But you still have to have braces

And what you do is, you have them paint the name
Of your bff on your braces
It's super sweet

Except I've had to go back to the brace painter
Like six times
Because my bff's keep getting lame on me

I've got more coats of paint on these braces
Than a '67 Chevy

Huh?

Oh GOD no, of course I can walk!

I just look really good in a wheelchair

I was in a wheelchair once
When I wanted to try the leg cast craze
Of 2009

And I ended up tripping while wearing the leg cast
Because they didn't fit it right
And, ironically, I ended up breaking my leg

But by that point, the leg cast craze was over
So I ended up being like--Ew, take this cast off me
Just put me in a wheelchair or something

And they did--and I was the talk of Fashion Week

Seriously, people were dying to get their hands on wheelchairs

There was a city-wide wheelchair shortage both here and in Milan

If you happened to become paralyzed
Between spring and fall of that year
You were screwed

Luckily, I just pimped out the one they gave me
And kept it

All these rhinestones?  My idea

Isn't it so prime?  Couldn't it air immediately after the Superbowl?

Huh?

Why do I do it?

Do what?

The chair and the braces and the sling and the fake glasses?

Um, I don't know
Why do you ask questions about stuff
You don't have to ask questions about?

Why do chickens fly or--

Um, penguins or--

Um, emus or--

Look, it's nature, okay?

Some of us just look better for different reasons
And when you do, you have to take the bull by the horns
And--

Oh my God, wait a second
Wouldn't I look so awesome
In one of those bullfighter hats?

I'm tweeting that to see what my followers say

Now, if you'll excuse me
I have to shave my head in a way
That makes me look as if I'm balding

I mean, really, why should the impaired people get to have all the fun?