Coffee with My Cancer

It's not so bad up close

A few scars
A lazy eye
A bald patch

But it's not so bad

I was expecting much worse

The cancer was waiting for me when I got there
Sipping what looked like black with extra sugar

Too sweet for me

I sat and waited for it to talk
But it just kept sipping the coffee
And clearing its throat

So confident for something so ugly

I explained that I was hurt
That I was hurting
That I was shocked and disappointed
And that I thought we had agreed
We had agreed that the last time was it
That it was it
That it was settled
That it was going away

'We didn't agree,' it says, 'You agreed.  I never agreed to anything.'

I want to push everything off the table
I want to pour the coffee on it
I want to scald my cancer
And leave burns wherever there isn't already a scar

I explain what the doctors said
I explain what the predictions were
The statistics
The statistics, which, after the last time
Were on my side

I try to remain calm and rational and reasonable and calm
And collected
And calm

The cancer yawns, it's heard this before
We talked on the phone
Although then I was upset
I had just gotten the news
And I was pissed
I was so fucking pissed off
I screamed at it
And it hung up

Then two days ago I sent out the e-mail

'Could we meet?  Could we talk about this?  Like adults?'

And so here I am
Talking
Like an adult
To a yawning child
Drinking coffee with too much sugar in it

I rub my face with the palms of my hands
I've been up all night
I look like shit
I'm irritated
I'm forgetting every coping mechanism I've been given

My breath is shallow
My heart is racing
The blood is rushing to my face

And why did I suggest coffee?
Why did I suggest a meeting?
Why am I sitting here
Pretending this makes a difference?

'I'll beat you,' I say, before I have the chance to think about saying it

Even I'm surprised by the solidarity of my own voice

'I did it once, and I can do it again,' I say

The cancer doesn't say anything
But its eyes, its eyes say 'Okay'

Okay like 'C'mon then.  Bring it.'

I stand up
I breathe in
I look at it

I look right at it

And then it's gone

That's when I know
I'm going to win