Marriage Math

He started smoking again
So I beat him on that

I didn't start smoking again until two days
After he started smoking
Which, by my calculations
Means I have two days more self-control
Than what he has
And I made sure he knew it too

If you wanna know
How much more of a person I am than him
That seems to be the standard answer

Two days, give or take

I went off my diet two days after he did
I can get things done two days faster than he can
I stay angry two days less than he does

When I have a secret
I know I can keep it for two days
Before he even starts to suspect anything
And he believes lies two days longer than I do
So really, it's four days

And when he tries keeping a secret
I've usually known about it
Two days before it even occurred to him
That he did something that needed hiding

I remember important dates two days before they happen
And he remembers than he forgot something
Two days after I've started giving him the silent treatment

I knew I was pregnant two days before it was confirmed by a doctor
And he realized I was pregnant two days after the baby was born

My mother said what made her marriage work
Was that she was always a day ahead of my father

Simple marriage math, she said

Well, I figured, just to be on the safe side
I better find a man two days behind me

You never know when you're going to need
That extra day