A Fictional Teenager Talks About His Life

I wake up in the morning
And masturbate

I masturbate furiously
Constantly
Without stopping

The audience isn't allowed to see below the blankets
Because they're the audience
And I'm a teenager
Except in reality
I'm twenty-eight years old

The real me actually doesn't remember much about being a teenager
Because being a teenager is like giving birth
You forget most of it
So you can enjoy the rest of your life

After I'm done masturbating
I receive a text message from my friend
Indicating there will be a party tonight
Where I can engage in drug use
And sex, probably of the unprotected variety

I go downstairs to eat breakfast
With my parents and precocious little sister

Both my parents work
And my little sister has some great one-liners

I sit and act surly
For absolutely no reason
And occasionally I mouth off

I guess if this were an indie film
My parents could slap me
For talking the way I do
But that would never fly
On a television show

Truth be told, I wouldn't blame them if they slapped me
I'm kind of an asshole

Oh, I don't really swear
Because I'm not on a cable network
But I do use a lot of sex talk
And I use the worst swears
A fictional teen on network
Can possibly use

I go to school and carry a backpack
That isn't nearly as big
As a normal teenager's backpack is

The network's insurance company
Wouldn't let me carry a backpack that big
Because then I'd be at risk for back injuries

Safety trumps reality

Isn't that something?

At school, I take a generic class
Where I learn something generic
Until I get a note passed to me
From a girl
That reads something like--

'I want to have sex with you at a party tonight and use a condom that will break just as you're ejaculating.'

...Or something like that

I'll look at the girl who passed me the note
And she'll tuck her long hair back behind her ear
And look shy
Even though she just passed me a sexually explicit note
And then my teacher will call on me
And ask a question I don't know the answer to
Because I haven't been listening
And just then the bell will ring
Relieving me of any embarrassment

At lunch, I'll have a conversation with my oddly dressed friend
About having intercourse tonight at the party
And he'll encourage me to do so
By making lots of lewd comments

My other friend will be there as well
And tell me to respect my body and this girl's body
And think about the repercussions of sex

The audience will not like this friend
But they will like lewd kid
Because he clearly has sex
While the other kid doesn't
And why do they watch television?

Certainly not to watch people NOT have sex, correct?

Or is that a double negative?

I don't know--we weren't studying English in generic class today

It will be unclear to me
Why I'm even friends
With two such vastly different people
But I will continue to be friends with them
And discover, over time
That they are both not who they seem to be

(Child abuse and homosexuality will probably be involved.)

That night at the party
Everyone at the school will be there

Somehow someone will own a house
Big enough to accommodate the entire school
And even though we deal with cliques all the time
Everybody was invited to this particular party
So that there can be lots of surprise run-ins
Between different cliques and their members

There are also lots of guest rooms
And I'll be pulled into one of those guest rooms
By the girl who sent me the note

And we will kiss aggressively
Because you can do that on network
Without anyone accusing you
Of broadcasting teenage sexuality
Because teenagers kissing is not sexual
Even if it's obvious
That the kissing is leading up to sex

I will have my shirt removed
Because you can show a shirtless teenage boy on television
But not a shirtless teenage girl
So my partner will leave her shirt on
But the camera angles will start to shift and change
So that the audience is clear we're taking off more clothes
But they can't see exactly what it is we're taking off

There will be some sort of music montage
And while I'm engaging in intercourse with this girl
A quick scene will be shown
Featuring my lewd friend trying cocaine
And the captain of the football team
Doing a monologue about how much his dad drinks

When the cameras come back to me
I am lying in bed looking affected by my sexual experience

My partner will look traumatized
And it will be clear that we will pay for what we have done later
Either with an unwanted pregnancy or an S.T.D. or both

We will both get dressed
And I will say something insensitive to her
And she will storm out of the party
Tucking her hair behind her as she goes

I will go downstairs and drink lots of alcohol
Until I'm drunk enough to look really stupid getting into a car
At which point, obviously, I will get into a car
And try driving home

At which point a cop will pull me over
Because I can't kill a van with a family in it
Because that's too depressing for network

We do want to teach kids lessons
But we certainly don't want to do a show
About a teenage boy who killed an entire family
So no, we won't be going there

I'll be brought home
Where my parents will answer the door
Wearing bathrobes
And looking like they've been up for hours
Reading intelligent books

There will be a large argument
During which I will say more things to them
That merit a good slapping
And then I will run up to my room
And lock the door
While I cry about how much it hurts
To be the age I am

And as I drift off to sleep
I'll feel the camera pull away from me
And music will start to play

Something mournful
Sung by the lead singer
Of a punk rock group
But not real punk rock
More mainstream punk rock

And the credits will roll over me
Like a warm blanket
On a cold night