200 Roses

I went out and found her 200 roses

Not bought
Not purchased
Not stolen

Found

In a pretty girl's hair
Resting lightly behind her ear

In a bridal bouquet
As the last song was playing

On a young man's lapel
As his prom date holds his hand
For the very first time

In my grandmother's garden
On a calm spring day

In collected petals
Leading up to a bathtub
Lit only by candles

I found them on dining room tables
Wilted in old golden boxes
Tagged with Valentine's Day cards
Left to dance in abandoned vases

I found her 200 roses
And I gave them to her
In a world with her in it

A world I'd like to live in
Until each of those roses
Blows away
In the wind

Julia Roberts vs. Modesty

Pat, it's just an honor to be here today
Honestly, it is a the-rill
To be competing against a foe
I--and I have to be honest here
Have never encountered before

Modesty

Hahaha

I thought maybe it was a city in the Ukraine
A place, which, by the way
I helped put on the map
When I did a documentary there
About the endangered manza bird
A beautiful creature

I happen to be the only known human
Who has ever had the bird
Land on his or her shoulders

I was holding my Oscar at the time

I remember when I won my Oscar
It was such a thrill

I also remember the first time I was nominated for an Oscar
And the second time
And when I became Hollywood's highest paid actress
And Ocean's Eleven

Ah, George--we're such good--

I'm not even sure there's a word for what we are
Soulmates seems like such a petty term
For the kind of relationship we have

Oh goodness, what is that around my head?
Is that a halo?

Please don't be nervous, Pat
That happens all the time

So are we ready to play?

I'm not sure you're aware of this, Pat
But I actually invented Wheel of Fortune
Along with salt and vinegar potato chips
And the unicycle

Well, best of luck, Modesty

But I'm not sure you realize
Who you're up against

The Villain Asks Charlie Sheen to Leave

Charlie, why don't you sit down?

No, not there!  That's John Tesh's chair!

He likes to eat bamboo there
And chew on the doll I got him
That resembles Maury Povich

Sit on the wicker chair
I just hosed off the spy blood
So it should be clean

Charlie, dear dear Charlie

Having you as a roommate
Has been such an...interesting...experience

But I'm afraid this living situation
Just isn't working out

I can put up with a lot, Charlie

It would be one thing if you were torturing double agents in your bedroom
Or plotting world domination from your secret headquarters in the hall closet
Or even blowing up National landmarks like the only Dairy Queen in Omaha

But Charlie...

You don't wipe down the counters

I know, I know
I can be a jolly Jerry most of the time
But Charlie, ecoli is no laughing matter

What if John Tesh were to get food poisoning?
For a koala, that can be life-threatening

Charlie, I don't mind the scantily-clad women
The drug use, the violence
The fact that you have no discernible comic timing
But can't you be just a little tidier?

I think we both know the answer
And I think that's why you have to leave

I'll miss you

With you, me, and JT
It's been a little bit like
Two and a half mammals around here

We're thinking of replacing you
With an evil kangaroo
With an addiction to uppers

It isn't going to be easy
But we feel
It's for the best

Nobody's Saying It's Not a Pothole

Ma'am, nobody is saying it's not a pothole

Clearly, it was a pothole

The question is--

Well, yes, we can fix your car
But it will take some time
Because there is paperwork

There is paperwork involved, ma'am
And I--

Yes

No

Yes

No, ma'am

I am not trying to sound like a bitch
I suppose I could sound like a bitch
But as to whether or not that's my intent
I'd have to say 'No' it's not

How can the city not do anything about a pothole that size?

Funny you should ask that, ma'am

You see, we have done things about potholes
But potholes, like the mail and holidays and weather
Seem to keep occurring

And occasionally, we fail to correct these issues
In what some may consider to be
A timely manner

As in, sometimes a dumbass drives over a pothole
The size of her car
Before we have a chance
To fix the pothole

No, ma'am, I was not saying that you are that dumbass
I was just stating a hypothetical situation

Ma'am, have you ever tried coming up with a budget
For fixing all the potholes that may or may not occur in a year?

It's a little bit like trying to guess how much its going to snow in a year
And because global warming has turning predicting the weather in New England
Into one giant game of Texas Hold'em
Coming up with a pothole budget
Can be a little bit difficult

And yet somebody still has to do it
And the budget can't be that high
Or people get irritated

So sometimes we just run out of money
And certain potholes have to remain where they are

And yes, we realize they're dangerous
And yes, we realize they're a nuisance
And yes, if they're the size of a mattress and you're talking on your cell phone and somehow miss the giant hole in the road, then it's probably your fault anyway

Again, hypothetically speaking, ma'am

So yes, we will fix your car
Yes, we will accept blame
For the pothole
Which is technically what happens
When man meets nature
And nature kicks man's ass

We will, essentially, apologize
For getting our asses kicked

We will apologize
For not having somebody drive around with tar
And a truck
Ready to fix whatever problems might occur on the roads
As soon as they appear

We will apologize for all of this, ma'am
And by 'we' I mean 'me'
I am apologizing to you

I'm sorry

Nobody's saying it's not a pothole
That you hit, ma'am

Nobody

Sorry

But let me add this

The next time you hit a pothole
Because you're putting on make-up
Or changing the radio station
Or trying to explain to your four-year-old over the phone
How to DVR something
While you're driving

Not only will we not fix your car, ma'am
But I personally will take a golf club
To whatever's left of it

Do we understand each other?

Excellent

You have a great day

At Least the Kitchen Will Be Clean

I'm going to clean the kitchen
So at least that'll be clean

The pots can shine
And the pans can ring
And the forks can used again

We can walk on the floors
And microwave stuff
And open the fridge without fear

I can use the blender
And you can pour the drinks

I'll know what's in each cupboard
So there won't be any more surprises

The spices will be alphabetized
The ice cube trays will be restocked
And the dish towels will be laundered
So we can get them dirty again

And it goes without saying
That none of this
Will make anything better
In the rest of the house

The problems that sleep in the bedroom
And bathe in the bathroom
And live in the living room
Will continue to plague us
By reminding us
That cleaning them up
Is not the same thing as cleaning them out

But the kitchen, well...

At least the kitchen will be clean

At least that's something
We can enjoy

Cleaning Out My Purse

I have lipstick in here someone
Somewhere within this purse
There is lipstick

I wish purses were designed differently

They give you all these pockets
But they don't actually help you organize anything

It's just a lot of pockets
Without any sort of triage system

I need my purse sectionalized
Into the following categories:

'Necessary,' 'Unnecessary,' and 'Frivolous'

Then again, I'm not sure what lipstick would fall under

At times it's necessary
And other times--

A ha!

No, wait
That's lip balm

Why didn't I put the lipstick with the lip balm?
Why don't I just keep all the lip-related items
In one lip pocket?

Instead the lip balm is in the pocket
With theater tickets for Friday
A menu for a Chinese restaurant
And three condoms

What kind of pocket is that?
That is a whore's pocket
Resting in my respectable purse

And what are all these photos?

These are photos of people I've never met

Did they come with the purse?

I can't even remember

Sometimes I take them out and show them to people
When they ask me what I did over the weekend
So I don't have to say--

'I watched Pretty in Pink five times on cable and finished off a small ham.'

Instead, I say--

'Look at my niece, Taratarena.  Yes, it means "she who isn't that creeped out by spiders."  It's Aztecian.'

Speaking of Aztec ruins
Here's that voodoo doll
I made of my ex

You'll notice that the head, arms, and genitalia are all missing

Last time I looked him up on Facebook
He was married with two kids
And only experiencing slight back trouble

So much for voodoo

This purse is bottomless
One time I stuck my hand all the way down into it
And I pulled back one of those talking mice
From Narnia

I should just dump this whole thing out

But the last time I did that
It was like spilling water

Somehow half a glassful can make it across an entire floor

I tipped my purse upside down
And suddenly I was unconscious
Underneath a pile of bad make-up
Half-used tissues, and a copy of People magazine

Forgetting dumping out my purse
Maybe I should just dump it
And start from scratch

Purses are a little bit like life, you know

Sometimes you're better off
Just doing a clean sweep
To all of it

The mess
The pockets
The half-eaten candy canes

Sometimes it's better just to swap our all the complication
For something...simpler

But I keep thinking what I'm looking for is there
It's there in one of those pockets
And that makes it hard
To stop looking

The Friggin' Vacation

Benny!!!

We're in line for 'Pirates of the Caribou!'  Where you going?

He wants to ride 'Space Mountain'
Drive over a pothole with your father
There's your 'Space Mountain'
I fear for my life every time he makes a left turn

Where'd you get those Mickey ears from?

You better not have paid for those
With that credit card we took from--

--Uh, borrowed from your grandma

You want Mickey ears
I'll tape two paper plates
To the side of your head

Bing, bang, boom--Mickey ears

Jesus, it's friggin' hot

I feel like I'm dying

Why do we come here every year
So we can roast like baloney pigs?

Why don't we just sit at home
With the oven on
And take turns sticking our head in it?

Benny, c'mere, your friggin' face is a mess

Who let you eat that turkey leg from Frontierland?

You look like Tony the Caveman

Ugh, look at you
You got turkey ankle all over you
You're a friggin' mess

You have your grandmother's eating habits
One time we let her eat egg salad
It was like the friggin' Titanic exploded
All over her

This whole family's full of slobs

No, we're not going on any 'Jungle Cruise'

Because your mother is scared of hippos

I don't know what it is about them
But something ain't right

They always look like they wanna say something to you
What do they wanna say?
Somebody wants to say something to me
Let 'em say it

Friggin' hippos
Think they're better than me

You wanna go on a fun ride after this?

Let's go on Dumbo

That's a good story

Dumbo's mother dies in the forest
So he steals a magic feather
From seven little men
And when he's holding the feather
He can lie and his nose won't grow

'S got a nice message to it, that story

The message is--when your mother dies, you're screwed

So appreciate your mother

Here we go, front of the line

Oh look at you get so excited
Even though you're going to throw up
All over the pirates of the caribou

I friggin' love you
You little geyser

Now gimme your Mickey ears

You're not the only one on vacation