"Friend" Doesn't Mean I Like You

No, Catie, no
It doesn't mean that at all
Jee-sus
I knew this would happen

I friended you because I friend everyone
I come in contact with
On a regular basis

It doesn't mean we're friends
'Friend' doesn't mean 'friend'
It just means
I'm aware of your presence

I acknowledge that you exist
I accept the fact that we have to live together
On the same planet

But you
Are not
My friend

I mean, you're not my enemy either
But even if you were, I wouldn't know it
Because it's not like there's an enemy button I could hit
So I could put you on some list or something

I'm just saying that in terms of actual friendship
You and I are--

I mean, I'm not saying it's never going to happen
Maybe next year, when we're juniors
And I take yoga as my elective
And I, like, learn how to love everyone
But for right now
You're just the weird girl who sits behind me
In English, Chem, and Pottery

By the way, thanks for making my pot for me
It was sort of obvious as a pot
I mean, it was clearly a pot
And the assignment was to be creative
And it was just, sort of, you know, a pot
I mean, it wasn't all that inspired
But thank you, you know, for doing that

I'd give you money
But I think if I do
That's like
Facilitating a crime
Or something
So I really can't

But that's why I friended you

As sort of, like, a consolation prize
Or whatever
Second place to actually being my friend

But you can't expect real sincere friendship
Just because you did somebody's assignment for them
Or all their Chem homework
And because you jumped into Talman's Pond freshman year
And pulled them out when they were going to drown
Because nobody told them how deep it was
And all they wanted was to show everybody how hot they looked
In their first two-piece

Real friendship is built on way more than that, Catie

So for now
We have a mutual understanding
Of our acquaintanceship
Signified by the bonds
Of social media

But that's it
Okay?

Sorry Catie
But that's as good
As you're going to get

We Were Not Always Home

We were not always home
Though we had a lovely house

We spent the better part of a year
Looking for it
That house
A place that would suit us
That would establish our identity

And then we found it
And furnished it
Made an offer, of course
Went through the usual business
But that was all red tape and paperwork

The fun part was filling it
With things, chairs, a lot of chairs
Chairs everywhere

And, we thought, one day
Some kids
Maybe more than 'some'

But

As is often the case
Plans amend
And we, uh, we found ourselves
Absent
From our home

It was so big, you see
So big and--

We did get pregnant--once
But...

People told us
Not to do the nursery
Until we were sure
But we were, you see
We were very...sure

I suppose, perhaps, our baby
Wasn't sure of us

Dinners became ceremonies
The dining room table grew three feet a day it seemed
Until we were so far away from each other
That to communicate, we'd have to shout from end of it
To the other
And eventually it just seemed...
The noise seemed inappropriate

The problem is that, in that frame of mind
So many things become noise
A whisper becomes a noise

Anything can give you a headache, a migraine
Make you start crying, sobbing
Make you pass out wherever you happen to be
In the bathroom on the second floor
Head on the cool tile

In the basement
Clutching a box labeled 'Baby Toys'
Fingernails digging into the cardboard

In the guest bedroom
With someone who was not one
Of the two of us

And...

...And

We keep meaning to sell the house
But we've put so much into it
And we don't just mean money either
Or restorations
Or those fucking chairs

We mean...

That we used to talk about this house
About what it could be
For us
And...

Despite everything
We're not ready
To let that go
Yet

We keep saying we'd like to be home more
We just...need a reason

We need to find something
That can bring us
Back home

If That's What Keeps You Here

So a boy moves
And you move with him, huh?

Simple as that

And you walk around here saying--

Might as well
Might as well go
Now that he's going
Why stay here?

Why stay here.

You know, I'm of a certain time I guess
When I was growing up
We weren't like you kids
Boppin' all over the world
Lookin' to settle down anywhere
But where we were from

We took pride in our roots
We didn't try hacking away at them
Just so we could drive four hours
And feel like we were in another world

We didn't believe that problems were located in one place
We believed they started with us
And that it was our job to deal with them
Not--move away from them

And yes, you got married
And when you got married
You learned to put the person you were married to first
But that didn't mean they started being
Your only thing

The only thing that mattered

We still had family to think about
And friends
And sometimes our friends
Were closer to us than our families
People we knew all our lives

You know people since you're born
And suddenly you meet a boy
And you're dating for awhile
And one day he moves to New York
And you have to go with him
Because you look at everything you have
Everything you've built
Everybody you know
And you say
It's not enough

Not the way he's enough

Boy, he must be something, huh?

Like I said, I'm of a time
A time when if somebody offered you a fancy job
And it was a hundred miles away
From everybody you loved
You said, 'Thanks, but no thanks'
And you walked away from the fancy job
Because you knew that when you die
And you go up to Heaven
God doesn't ask to see your resume

He says--How'd you treat the people down there that loved you?

Anyway, that's what I think
That's what I believe
If you're interested
And you're probably not
Not really
Because you're going to do what you want
No matter what I say

Now, as to your question--
Is your Mom sick?

Yeah, she's sick

But honestly, if that's the thing that's going to keep you here
I mean, if that's the only thing--

Because maybe this might be your last Easter with her
Or summer, or Thanksgiving, or Christmas

Then--

Then just go
Go anyway

How do you know how many summers you're going to get with your brother?
Or with your best friend?
How many more Thanksgivings do you think you're going to get with your grandma?

How many more Christmases do you think you're going to have with me?

Well...

Your Mom's sick, she is
But if that's it
If that's what keeps you here
And nothing else?

Then, sweetheart
Even though I love you
Past insanity and back

Maybe you should just go

If a dying relative is all that keeps you here
Then I got news for you
We're all going to croak sometime
And you can't plan to be there every time it happens

All you can do is make the most of however much time
We've all got with each other
And to do that, you have to be present

You have to be here

So that's your choice

Do what you want
I'll love you either way
I'll be proud of you either way
You know that

But I gotta say
It worries me

It worries me that people your age
Find a choice like this
So hard to make

It makes me wonder if we--
You know, your parents--
If maybe there was something
We forgot to teach you

And if there's enough time left
To teach you now

With Holes in the Bottom

You want to know why you're here?

Okay, fair enough

Grab a couch cushion
Nicky, grab me a beer
The nice one on the top shelf of the fridge
Not the one on the bottom
Those are just everyday beers
I need a story-telling beer

Well, you're here because of holes
All sorts of...holes

Black holes
Pot holes
Assholes
But especially
Holes in the bottom

You see, your mother
Who is at work
Who works very hard
And nobody's saying she doesn't
But--your mother--YOUR--mother
In case you were thinking maybe she was hahahaha my mother
Oh shit, anyway--
She had a lot of boyfriends
Back in high school
And I was one of them
Assholes--I mentioned 'assholes' right?

Then one night, I'm taking her out
Driving her
We hit a pothole
She goes flying
Wasn't wearing her seat belt
Always wear your seat belts, James
Thanks Nicky
Sit down--this concerns you too

Anyway, we hit a pot hole
Kills my front tire, driver's side
And I have to have the car towed
Back to my house

Your mom comes with me
Sees the house
Your grandpa's house
That's key here
Your GRANDPA'S house
Which, as you know, is very nice
And your mother thinks--

Ohhhhhhhhhh
Ca-CHING

So that night
She makes her move
But not before
She pokes holes
Holes--remember
In my, uh--
Well, it's always awkward talking to your kids
About stuff like this, but--

My sweater vest
She poked a hole in the sleeve
You get what I'm saying?

And me--being an asshole
'Asshole'
Don't supply my own--sweater vest
And so, we, uh...
And then along comes you
And then your Mom and I get married
And then you follow shortly thereafter

Into this--what I like to call
'Black hole'
That is our current living situation
Because what your mother didn't count on
Was your grandpa telling me
I could make my own money
The same way he made his

By renting slums
To naive immigrants
Is what I'm guessing he meant
I don't know for sure
Because I was yelling obscenities into his face
When he was trying to explain it all to me

The only thing you need to take from all this, James
Is that life is a series of holes

Holes you fall in
And holes you don't

Your entire life
Is about
Avoiding
The holes

So find them
And hop
Right
Over
Them

Got it?

Good

Now go do your homework

Fifth grade
Is a crucial point
In a child's life

You're very impressionable at this age
You gotta make sure
You learn everything you need to learn
Before it's too late

Trust me on this, James

Trust me

Don't Judge a Pool By Its Water

What time is it on the East Coast?
Does anybody know?

Bunch of fucking waste
Bunch of fucking WASTE of my time

Having you all here
And get in the pool

Will somebody please get
In the goddamn pool?

I just had the damn thing refilled
And you're all standing around
Swaying to music
That isn't even fucking playing

I sent the band home

The noise was--

Well, I guess when you start referring to 'music' as 'noise'
Therein lies the problem

They were hot
They were on the cover of Spin
And they cost a fortune
But unfortunately
They were giving me a headache
So now we can make polite conversation
Can't we?

Of course we can

We're all civilized
Intelligent
Adults

Yes, I put my cigarette out in the pool
It's my pool
I can do what I want
That doesn't mean you can't swim in the pool
It's Olympic-size, for godsakes

You think a little cigarette ash
Is going to kill you?

Please

With the shit you've all been putting into your bodies
All night long?

You could bathe in turpentine
And you'd be no worse off

Get in the damn pool already
I'm sick of asking

You throw a party
A pool party
Back on the East Coast
Back where I'm from

It's freezing
It's fucking freezing
But I miss it, you know?
I miss...I don't know--seasons?

People say seasons
They say they miss the seasons
They miss having something
That lets them know
That life is going by
So they don't get, you know, stuck

So I've been kind of...
About being here

So I thought--
Well, I'll throw a party
A pool party

And then you all show up
And I have a band
And food
And drugs
And you eat the food
And you do the drugs
And the band sucks
And nobody
Is going
In
The pool

Now--

They have food back home
And bands
And, believe it or not
Pretty good drugs
And carbs
Which god knows
They don't have here
But what they do NOT have
Is
A pool

So this--needs to be--a pool party

So everybody needs to go into
The pool

Got it?

No, I  am not going into the pool
I don't need to go into the pool
I own the fucking pool
I've proven
Everything I need to prove

I just need to be near it
I just need to be near all of you
Enjoying
My pool

That way I know why I'm here

Does that make sense
To anybody
But me?

Is anybody hearing me right now?

Am I even talking?

AM I JUST SPOUTING NONSENSE?

HUH?

Huh?

...I....

.......I.......

......Well...

I guess it's a good thing
The only person listening
To me

Is me

What time is it?

It doesn't have to be the time here
Just--anywhere

Anywhere

Anybody know
The time?

Home is Where the Rocket Lands

Look, where we're going
People may not have three legs

And that's something we're going to have to--

I mean, I don't want to use the word 'accept'
'Tolerate'--I guess we're going to have to
Tolerate it, if that's the case

Who knows, maybe they'll have more than three legs
God, that would be freakish
But it's important that we don't stare
No matter how grotesque they are

Just remember to look them in the eyes
Make sure all five of your eyes
Look right into all five of theirs
So that they know you're not judging
Any of their deformed features

Not everyone in this Universe
Is as lucky as you are, Zernin

You take the fact that you have two noses for granted
But on some planets
People have to make due with just one

Now, that doesn't mean
That we need to be ashamed
About how WE look

Your father is thinking about putting on a hat
To hide his horns
And I said, 'Look, wherever we land
Is going to be our new home
So those people are just going to deal with the fact
That you have horns
And gils
And that you have to eat four times your body weight
Every hour

Live and let live, kids
Unless we land on a planet with Balgorians
In which case
Kill, cook, and swallow first
Then ask questions later

Mama doesn't trust those Balgorians
Nobody who keeps their ears under their tongues
Is going to be anything but trouble
Take my word for it

Well, we're just about to descend

Your father is looking for a cornfield
We can land on

People who live near corn are good people, children
That's what the traveler's guide says

Once we're down on the ground
Depart quickly and quietly
Since it's the middle of the night
Here on this planet

Then find a house
And peek through the windows
Until you hear screaming
That's the way they say hello this planet

Now, you can bring one or two friends
Back to the ship
For some experimenting

But only if they're really, really dumb
You can pick out the dumb ones
Because they don't have all their teeth
And their pants go up
Almost to their heads

Just remember that this time
We're staying for good
So when they're on the ship--be polite

Leave at least one kidney in the males
And don't shave the women
Unless you absolutely have to

After all
These are going to be
Our neighbors

The Elephant Walks Through Town

He doesn't mean to bother anybody
But, being an elephant
It is, at times, difficult

He walks through town on a Thursday
Only meaning to pop in here and there
Maybe get an errand done

As an elephant, his errands are minimal--

Get a wash
Pick up nuts
Pick up the dry-cleaning

He feels insecure
Not so much about his size
But about his presence
Which, when you're an elephant
Are easily distinguishable

People are aware of him
Very aware
And he can sense
That sometimes they simply aren't prepared
To deal with him

He avoids stepping on anybody's toes
Both literally and figuratively
But he learned early on
That there really isn't any good time
For an elephant
To appear
In your life

He stops by the china shop
Knowing he shouldn't, but--
He needed to buy a present
For his cousin
Who happened to be getting married

He stopped outside the store window
Almost hoping to see a 'Closed' sign
On the door

This is crazy, he thought
This anxiety I have
For crying out loud
It's not like I'm a bull

He goes into the shop
And instantly he knows this is a bad time
The woman who owns the store
Is lying on the red carpet that runs from wall-to-wall
A wet cloth on her forehead
Her cheeks all puffy and red
Nearly dried tears
Still asserting themselves on her face

The elephant lingers in the doorway
Wondering if she even knows he's there

A breath goes by
A beat, a moment
Two seconds and what feels like an hour

'Hello,' he says, and then 'Uh' and 'Um--
Should I come back another time?'

A faint voice

'No'

From the floor

'No'

Then--

'No, no.  Stay.'

A sort of resignation
Rather than a request
And then to confirm that the voice
Belonging to the woman says--

'After all
You're already here'