Downtown Tattoos

The girl’s got downtown tattoos

All up and down her arms

She’s got a head on her shoulders

Filled with other people’s dreams

And a brand new car she can’t drive

Old books on her selves

That she’s never gonna read

And a bucket list

With a hole in it

And she says—

I’m gonna go somewhere

Somewhere nice

Where I can get snowed in

Call me a cab for the airport, baby

I’ll find a plane with my name on it

I got ink on my arm

That some boys find charming

And a smile worth more

That a mile of unpaid bills

I want to look out a window

And see the sun

From another side of my life

Scrape the dirt off my beat up luggage

And maybe wind up somebody’s wife

I want to wake up in a city

With a name I can’t pronounce

Next to someone

Who looks like a friend

For once I want to know

What feels like a beginning

Instead of just another end

Maybe I’ll put a few new tattoos on my arm

Something that makes me think

With a little uptown ink

The Bathroom Floor

I hate being sober

I mean, I fucking hate it

I enjoyed being a drunk

I know it’s not for everybody

But everything’s gotta be for somebody, right?

Somebody’s gotta be the mess

And somebody’s gotta like being the mess

That’s the way I look at it

I should have died a long time ago

In a dirty hotel room

On a dirty bathroom floor

Surrounded by towels

That don’t belong to anybody

What could be more comforting than that?

But I just couldn’t do that

To some poor maid

If my ex-husband could’ve found me

Maybe I would have felt differently

But he’d been dead for years at that point

So why bother?

I been in a lot of hotel rooms

Some nicer than others

I been in a lot of dressing rooms

Some nicer than others

I kissed a lot of men

…Some a lot nicer than others

And I know what a finish line looks like

Every good runner does

And a long time ago

I saw a finish line

And I thought I was done

Said, I’m gonna cross there

And that’s gonna be it for me

I’ll have made it

As far as I’m gonna go

I touched the tape

I heard the crowd roar

Got flowers put around my neck

Like a prize winner

And I laid down

Ready to get shot

But nothin’ happened

I looked around

Got up

And started walking

You ever finish a race

And keep walkin?

What else you gonna do, right?

It’s not like somebody’s waiting there for you

With a wheelchair

You cross the finish line

And they expect you to keep going

And if you don’t got it in you

That’s just too bad for you, ain’t it?

‘Cause the world don’t stop spinning

And ain’t nothin’ finished

Just because you’re finished

Just because you got nothin’ left

So I kept movin’

Tellin’ stories

Spinnin’ songs

Waiting for another finish line

Waiting for somebody to show up

With that wheelchair

Tell me to take a load off

Let me put my feet up

And just go to sleep, you know?

On some cool bathroom floor

Surrounded by towels

Welcome to Your Divorce

Hello and welcome

To your divorce

We here at Badlen Industries

Seek to make this digital separation

As quick and painless as possible

And fair

Since a computer program

Will be determining

What you and your about-to-be former spouse

Will be receiving once your marriage has been dissolved

We’ve already had the opportunity to look over the forms you submitted

And go through the checklist you filled out

Helping us to come to a few conclusions

About how best to delegate your assets

First off, we’ve calculated the amount of fault

And have found that both of you are equally at fault

For the disaster that is your marriage

So—Congratulations!

You were not more at fault

Than your spouse

And that makes our job

A lot easier

Secondly, we detect that both of you

Truly are terrible people

Which means our decisions can be made

Without any concern for whether or not

We’re harming an innocent person

Since both of you are just awful

We’ve taken all your assets

And donated them to charity

This will leave you bankrupt and destitute

But we feel there should be consequences

For entering into a marriage you knew wasn’t going to work

After such a short amount of time together

We—and by we, I mean, the computer program

--Feel that some time on the cold, cold streets

Will be good for the both of you

Or, at the very least, it’ll make you think twice

Before doing anything like this again

We’ve given your pets to a nice happy family to raise

We’ve burned your house to the ground

And hired a priest to do an exorcism over the land

Since we feel there must now be some sort of demonic spirit residing there

After the two of you lived there for so long

We’ve contacted each of the people you’ve slept with

While the two of you were married

And let them know that they’ve probably been exposed

To any number of sexually transmitted diseases

We’ve also given them the names of several wonderful lawyers

So they can sue you for emotional distress

Oh, and we let both your mothers know that they were right

Our program shows that they were right about everything

And, as you can imagine, they were very happy to hear that

Finally, we’d like to thank you for choosing Badlen Industries

The Number One Divorce Software in America

And we hope that we can handle all the future divorces we’re sure you’ll have

Because we can’t imagine you making a marriage work with anyone

We would, however, like to link you to our new matchmaking website

In the event that you’d like to give our thirty-day free trial a go

Mooncatchers

Papa sent us out on a Tuesday night

To catch the moon

In our brand new shoes

Gotta wear new shoes

To catch the moon

Old ones slow you down

We run along the edge of town

With dresses on and hair pulled back

Buttons buttoned

Ties tied up

Looking like dancing folk

And the moon dips down

Like a lady getting into a pool

Knowing we’re gonna catch her

In our net

Two new moons’ll rise and fall

And one day

We’ll be grown

Until then

We’re as pretty as can be

Papa says we’re moon catchers

And that’s all

We could ever wanna be

Hands in hands

And coins in fountains

Wishes in a well

Stars that shine

That weddings

In the sky

I hope the river runs us up

And lets us float along

The people in the church

Pray for our souls

But we’re all set

Next to the tree

Where Papa first met Mama

The smell of lilac

Still sleeps in the air

A picnic table

A tire swing

Two kids from different pasts

An idea of who they were s’posed to be

Moon catchers can grab the moon

And hold it for awhile

But then you know

You have to set it free

What looks like you

And sings like Ma

And tells a story like our dad

Feels like something

I’m so scared to lose

But back we go

Behind the field

Around the settler’s pond

Into beds

Where we can’t

Fall asleep

Moon catchers still glowing

From the evening’s song and dance

Lunar dust caked on the bottom

Of our feet

My net’s hung above my bed

The window’s open just a bit

And Papa’s standing

Right behind the bedroom door

Laying here a child

Knowing childhood is done

All I know is

I couldn’t ask

For more

All Twelve of Mary's Sisters Are Married

We don’t want her to feel bad

But the facts are the facts

And the facts are

That all twelve of Mary’s sisters are married

And Mary is not

Now, when you have thirteen daughters

You certainly can't expect all thirteen of them

To wind up married

It is 1934 after all

These are modern times

You expect that one of them will be a nun

Or an eccentric, like Mildred who lives down the street

And wears pants even when she’s not gardening

You assume that one of them will shun the idea of being married

And when that happens

You’ll do what any parent would do

And never speak to her again

But when twelve of your girls

End up happily married

To wonderful young men

And Mary, your third prettiest daughter

Is still alone, well—

It does make you wonder

For awhile there, we assumed that Crippled Natalie

Would be keeping Mary company

At the Single Girls Table

But now that she’s tied the knot

It’s just Mary

Hmm?

Oh—Yes, well, we have to call her that

Because, you see, we have another daughter named Natalie

John and I just LOVE the name Natalie

And when Old Natalie became ill

We thought, Well, we’d better name this new daughter Natalie

So we’ll still have a Natalie

But then Old Natalie recovered

And new Natalie injured her leg

In that unfortunate tomato cart accident

So it just made sense to call New Natalie

Crippled Natalie

So we wouldn’t get confused

We told Mary if she didn’t get engaged soon

We’d have to start calling her Unmarried Mary

And she laughed and laughed

As though we were joking

But we were not joking

You see, we have two other Mary’s

Mary with the Weird Eye

And Mary Who Smells of Chicken

And so we need to call the last Mary something

And for awhile we called her Probably Going to Get Married Mary

Because we assumed she was probably going to get married

And we also assumed that Weird Eye Mary and Chicken Mary

Were NOT going to get married

But, yet again, we were proven wrong

We kept trying to give Unmarried Mary to the men

Who wanted to marry our other daughters

Since it didn’t seem right that girls with deformed legs

And weird eyes

Should get married before other girls

Who have nothing wrong with them

Aside from stringy hair

And overactive sweat glands

But the men insisted on the women they fell in love with

And so Mary was left out in the cold

Along with our daughter Sophia

Who, for some reason, enjoys eating snow

After people have stepped in it

John and I certainly have an interesting group of children

I guess that’s what happens when you marry your own uncle

Mother always said how nice it was to go to a wedding

Where people could sit wherever they wanted

Because everybody was on the same side

Sophia the Snow Eater married the ice man

Which, I suppose, we should have seen coming

But I do wish we could find someone for sad little Mary

If not, she’ll just live at home with John and me

And care for us in our old age

She’ll just have to wear clothing made of stronger fabric

Since all that sweating makes the poor creature

Look like she’s always coming in

From out of the rain

I’m still holding out hope that she’ll meet someone

But as time marches on, my hope dwindles

And as I always say to Unmarried Mary

‘It’s not that your father and I love you any less

Because you’re not married

We just love the other girls a little bit more’

Then she storms out of the room

And into the cupboard

Where we let her sleep

It was the only room left

By the time she was born

And she’s used to it now

Oh dear, oh dear

Parenting well can be so tricky

Tracy Who Might Not Work Here

We’re not exactly sure if Tracy

Works here or not

If she does work here

Then she’s in big trouble

Because these documents

Were supposed to be in the mail last week

But if she doesn’t work here

Then I can see how she might have forgotten

To send them out

I mean, we’re all human

We all make mistakes

But there are other things

That aren’t getting done

And I can only really blame Tracy for that

Assuming she did, in fact, get hired

When she was supposed to have been hired

But then again

We were hiring her to be the person

In charge of hiring

Which has left us in a kind of paradox

We’re not sure how to get out of

It’s possible that Tracy thought to hire herself

You know, to, uh, take it upon herself

To be hired

If one can do such a thing

And if she did—as one does

Then I really have to speak with her

Because, though I would admire her determination

We really can’t have people hiring themselves

Willy nilly

When money right now is so tight

So while it would be fine for her to have hired herself

Because we need somebody to send out these documents

And also, to do the hiring of others

I feel it might set a scary precedent

That we would need to address immediately

The problem is

Addressing scary precedents

Or policies that we feel

May not be working

Is also the job of the person

In charge of hiring

So Tracy would need to address the precedent

She set

By hiring herself

And then decide what she wants to do about it

And, of course, that presents a conflict of interest

And I’m not really sure who’s in charge of conflicts of interest

But I hope it’s not Tracy

Or whoever would be in Tracy’s position

Because then the job would fall to me

And I’m in Barcelona all next week

Which means the problem wouldn’t be deal with

Until I get back

And by then the documents will be pretty much worthless

And the Head Office will be up my ass sideways

Maybe I can have Tracy call the Head Office

If she is, in fact, hired

But if she is, she has a lot to answer for

Because, as you can see, things are a mess around here

Documents aren’t being signed

People are hiring themselves

The coffeepot hasn’t been fixed

Even though I wrote Tracy several memos about it

And marked the last one as ‘Urgent’

So if Tracy does work here

I think we need to ask ourselves

If her employment is really working out

Or if we need to explore whether or not

This is the right place for her

And if it’s not

Then we need her to hire

Someone to fire her

Because the person in charge of firing

Is also the person in charge of hiring

Unless she can just fire herself?

Or would that be considered quitting?

I hope she can quit

Because I’m not sure we have someone

To sign off on severance pay

Or do we have someone?

Did we hire someone?

I can’t remember

I’ll have to send Tracy a memo

After I find out whether or not

She actually works here

Wait, I’m not Tracy

…Am I?

Wow, that would be

A big problem

A Bigger Ring

A Bigger Ring

(JEFF and CLAIRE are seated at a café.)

                                   JEFF

                                   So you don’t want to marry me?

                                    CLAIRE

No, I do want to marry you!  I really do.  I’m just…going to need a bigger ring.

JEFF

I’m so offended right now.

CLAIRE

Jeff, it’s not your fault.  You’ve never bought a ring before—it’s no wonder you’re terrible at it.

JEFF

It’s just a ring, Claire.

CLAIRE

Jeff, it’s not just a ring.  It’s something I have to post pictures of online in order to make people jealous.

JEFF

I’m not buying you a bigger ring, Claire.

CLAIRE

(Laughs.)

No, you don’t understand.  I need you to buy me a bigger ring.

JEFF

No.  I love you, and I’d do anything for you, but I will stick my hand up a warthog’s ass before I will buy you a bigger ring.

CLAIRE

Is it a money thing?  I’ll loan you the money!

JEFF

It’s not about the money.  It’s about the principle of the thing.

CLAIRE

I’ll loan you the principle!  Wait, no, I guess I can’t do that.

JEFF

If you want to marry me, you’re going to have to marry me with the ring I gave you.

CLAIRE

Okay, can I post a photo of another ring and tell people it’s the ring you gave me?

JEFF

No!

CLAIRE

Jeff, you know I love you more than anybody else on the planet so I’m going to try and say this in a way that doesn’t’ hurt your feelings:  That ring looks like it came out of a Happy Meal and looking at it makes me sad.

JEFF

Fine.  We’re not engaged.  I’m going to go jump off a cliff.

CLAIRE

No!  I’m sorry.  I am—I…forget it.  It’s a perfectly nice ring, and I…I can’t believe I asked you to get a new one.  That was…really insensitive of me.

JEFF

Thank you.

(He takes a small box out of his pocket and puts it down on the table in front of her.)

CLAIRE

                                    What’s that?

                                    JEFF

                                    A much nicer ring.  Next time give me more credit.

(CLAIRE squeals with joy and hugs him.  Lights.)