How We Are in Paris

When I take Mom to Paris
I make her show me where she met my dad
And she gets all bristly
And tells me that Paris wasn't all about Dad
That it wasn't all about finding a husband
That it actually had everything to do
With not finding a husband

...But if I'm really that curious
It was in a cemetery

And, No, she doesn't remember the details
But it was probably a dare gone wrong
When my mother was younger
She was always being dared to do things

Kiss a strange man from Toledo in a cemetery
Eat the green stuff the Parisian people put on the side of every plate back then
Get married one night just because there weren't any good parties to go to

As soon as she'd get bored
My mother would start saying
'Dare me!  Let's see what trouble I can get myself into'

When we are in Paris
My mother and I
We walk side by side like sisters
Both with sunglasses
Both with short dresses
Both with incredibly ridiculous shoes
That somehow, miraculously, survive the hard walk
On the cobblestone steps
Because you find all the best restaurants
On the cobblestone roads

We sit in cafes during the day
And my mother lists all the friends she can remember
Usually only dropping off one trait
Into my big blue coffee cup
Before moving onto another memory

Marie always had names painted on her fingernails
The names of whatever boys she was dating at the time
'Thank God that girl had two hands,' my mother would say

Nigel from London smoked cigarettes you could only get in London
And when he ran out he'd throw terrible temper tantrums
And spend entire nights dancing frantically
Trying to shake the withdrawal anxiety from his system

Monique could cross a room to slap somebody
In the time it would take you to blink
And when she slapped you
She'd leave a red mark that would stay there
For at least five days

At night, my mother and I put on beautiful gowns
And go out into the night
Looking for the smokiest bar we can find
So we can get lost in new identities
That we make up in taxis
On the way to wherever we end up

One night I'm Jenny Jarvis
An art history major from Columbia

And my mother is Sonya Sera
A jazz singer from Barcelona

That's the night I get back to our room at four am
And my mother doesn't get back at all

I see her at brunch the next day
And she tells me that it turns out Sonya Sera
Is a very wild woman

All this should shock me
But it doesn't

Growing up in the suburbs of Connecticut
My mother always seemed like a splotch of red
On a grey painting

Out of place and yet more interesting
Than anything around her

Over time, she dulled from bright red
To an off pink
To finally being just as grey as anything else around her

That was when I turned eighteen
And told her I was going to study abroad in Paris
The way she had
And did she have any advice

She handed me a book
A little leather-bound book
And said--Here, take this
This is all you need

I thought it was a book about Paris
But it was actually a book about...her

It was the diary she kept
The whole time she was living there
And also, the subsequent trips she took there
Before she settled down
And got married

Now, whenever I go to Paris
I take that diary with me
And I pretend my mother is walking
Right alongside me
Telling me scandalous stories
And reminiscing about all the fun she had

I pretend we go to cafes
And to bars
And walk down cobblestone streets
But really...

It's just me

Me and my very vivid imagination

Inevitably I come home from Paris
And stop by the house in Connecticut
To visit my mother
And tell her how my trip was

'Unfortunately,' I say, 'I haven't run into my future husband yet.'

She laughs and says--

'Remember, Paris isn't about finding a husband
It's about finding yourself.
That's the hard part.'

'Really,' I say, 'I thought the hard part
Would be keeping yourself
Once you find it.'

She thinks about that for a second
Nods, and then says--

'When are you going to Paris again?'

I tell her I'm going in the spring

'Maybe I'll join you this time,' she says
'And you can leave the diary at home this time'

I tell her I think that's a wonderful idea
The perfect Mother's Day gift

'Do you think Paris remembers me,' she asks

'Oh Mother,' I say, 'How could Paris ever forget?'

Play "The Rainbow Connection"

I'd like to give you some advice
If you'll do me the kindness
Of listening

Play "The Rainbow Connection"

Wait, hear me out

Actually, you're probably willing to hear me out anyway
I'm about to talk to you about how awesome "The Rainbow Connection" is

Let's face it
You're not going anywhere

Here's the simplest way to put it

Some songs are good
Some songs are great
Some songs are bad

(Okay, a lot of songs are bad)

And some songs are magic in a perfectly constructed
Musical bottle

'The Rainbow Connection' is one of those songs

Is there any song that's better to fall asleep to?
To sing to a child
Who refuses to fall asleep
Even as her eyes are slowly, slowly closing

Is there any song that makes you feel better
When the world seems cold
And unsatisfying
And you don't want to be sad anymore
But you're not quite ready to be happy yet either?

Then play 'The Rainbow Connection'

Is there any song that can get you
To stop
Look at the person next to you
And say--

'Hey, how are you doing?  You doing okay?'

And--

As an added bonus

--It holds that distinct achievement
Of being a song kids love
And a song adults love
Because they loved it
When they were kids

And so what you have, ladies and gentlemen
Is a beautiful circle

You have a song you hear when you're young
When all you can pick out are certain words
Like 'sailor' and 'illusions'
But all you really hear
Is the sweet melody
And the sound of Kermit strumming a banjo

And then as you get older
You start to understand what the song's about
And so it deepens
And becomes more and more clear
And, yes, a little sad at the same time

I guess that's why it's the perfect song

A song for when you're lying in a hammock on a summer day
Or having a group sing-a-long around a campfire
Or watching your kid you used to sing to sleep
Get married

It's a song that says wish for it
And it'll come true

Believe in something
And it'll happen

Play one simple song
And everything will be okay

It's something you can take with you
Something you can give to that kid who wouldn't go to sleep
That they can take with them
Wherever they go

The Dating Site

--  A business lunch.  --

CHARLOTTE:  So I figured out the trick.

JEN:  To increase sales?

CHARLOTTE:  Clients.

JEN:  Right, sorry, clients.

CHARLOTTE:  The thing is--this is a small state.

JEN:  It is.  It really is.

CHARLOTTE:  Really small.

JEN:  Don't I know it.

CHARLOTTE:  And there's no one to date.

JEN:  Nobody.  It's true.

CHARLOTTE:  And all these people are joining all these different dating sites looking for people.

JEN:  Right.

CHARLOTTE:  People that don't exist.

JEN:  Exactly.  You're exactly right.

CHARLOTTE:  That's how we get our site to stand out.

JEN:  How?  Bolder colors?  Easier access?

CHARLOTTE:  Jen, we can offer all the bells and whistles and easy access we want, but at the end of the day, if your site is the one that has the best people on it, you're the one everyone's going to sign up for.

JEN:  Absolutely.

CHARLOTTE:  And they'll pay for it.

JEN:  Sure, but that's only if you manage to get all these amazing, eligible people to sign up.  People who haven't already signed up for any other sites.

CHARLOTTE:  I've got them.

(A beat.)

JEN:  What?

CHARLOTTE:  I found them.  So far I have thirty-two eligible men and women ready to sign up for our site--exclusively.

JEN:  How did you manage that?

CHARLOTTE:  I'm paying them.

JEN:  You're paying them?

CHARLOTTE:  Moreso for the exclusivity than for just being on the site.  I know it sounds weird--

JEN:  Hey, no, that's great.  I mean, if it drives up traffic to the site--

CHARLOTTE:  You should see these people.  They're stunning.  And, I mean, decent conversationalists and whatever, but wow, are they attractive!

JEN:  Where did you find them?

CHARLOTTE:  Well, obviously, I had to do some...digging.

JEN:  And once these people find someone they like and take themselves off the site, do you find new people?

CHARLOTTE:  Well, that would get sort of expensive, so I was thinking I'd just keep this group around until people get sick of them--maybe two to three years?

JEN:  But what if they find someone they like before then?  And are they allowed to date each other?

CHARLOTTE:  It's sort of complicated.

JEN:  So they can't date each other?

CHARLOTTE:  I actually don't want them dating...anyone.

(A beat.)

JEN:  Huh?

CHARLOTTE: I'm prohibiting them for dating anyone else on the site.  They're allowed to talk to people and go on a few dates here or there, but they're not allowed to get into a relationship with anybody.

JEN:  So you're basically paying them to be, what?  Decoys?

CHARLOTTE:  They're not decoys.  They're there to ensure that people who sign up for the site have a good experience.

JEN:  Yeah, but only because all these attractive people are being paid to go out with them.  You may as well have gone out and gotten thirty-two prostitutes.

(A beat.)

CHARLOTTE:  This Caesar dressing is amazing.

JEN:  You didn't go out and get thirty-two prostitutes, did you?

CHARLOTTE:  ...Not exclusively.

JEN:  Charlotte!

CHARLOTTE:  Some of them are just high-priced escorts.

JEN:  How could you do this?!?!

CHARLOTTE:  Where else was I going to find gorgeous people I could pay to control?

JEN:  Are you kidding me?  We live in Los Angeles!  You just described everybody here!

CHARLOTTE:  Charlotte, these people specialize in showing people a good time.  It's their job!  You expect me to go get some out-of-work actor who did extra work on Boardwalk Empire to bore some poor slob from Encino to death over coffee?  No!  I went right to the professionals!

JEN:  So how does this work?  Someone messages the whore--

CHARLOTTE:  Professional Dater.

JEN:  Whatever.  And she goes out with some guy on two or three dates and then never talks to him again?

CHARLOTTE:  Pretty much.

JEN:  Won't he just feel dejected and awful?

CHARLOTTE:  No, because right around the time that girl disappears, another girl will start messaging him.  That way, he won't even remember the last girl.  It'll be the same for the women.  One professional replaces another.

JEN:  And what happens when they go through all sixteen?

CHARLOTTE:  Well, hopefully, before that happens, they meet an actual person they can date.  But if it doesn't, the first professional just shows up again and says "Sorry, I lost your number.  Want to go out again."

JEN:  By that time, you could also have a brand new batch of hookers.

CHARLOTTE:  Professionals.  And yes, that's true.  I didn't think of that.

JEN:  Well, I have to say--this is sort of a brilliant idea.

CHARLOTTE:  Really?

JEN:  I don't know if it'll work with the women, but it's every man's fantasy to have a new beautiful woman want to date him every few weeks.

CHARLOTTE:  I know, right!

JEN:  And even though it's completely immoral and wrong, since you're not paying these people to have sex, I don't really think it crosses that--

CHARLOTTE:  Well, they're not going to be forced to have sex with anyone.

JEN:  Forced?

CHARLOTTE:  Yeah, I mean, if they want to have sex with someone, that's their choice, but--

JEN:  Charlotte, you're paying these people to go on dates.  If you pay them to go on dates and then they have sex with--

CHARLOTTE:  Then, that's totally their choice.

JEN:  I think that's really--

CHARLOTTE:  I mean, they'll get a bonus too, but other than that--

JEN:  A bonus?

CHARLOTTE:  Yeah, just a--you know, something, to--because they went the extra mile.

JEN:  A financial bonus?

CHARLOTTE:  Oh c'mon, Jen, it's not like I'm going to give them a toaster oven every time they have sex with someone.

JEN:  Charlotte!  This is insane!

CHARLOTTE:  Do you have any idea how much money we'll pull in if we're known as--

JEN:  As what?  The Hooker House?

CHARLOTTE:  The regular users won't know they're having sex with professionals.

JEN:  I'm sure when the women on the site start having sex with sensitive, charming men who listen to their every word, are totally attuned to their needs, and care about nothing more than making them feel good, they're going to know something is terribly wrong.

CHARLOTTE:  Jen, four of my guys are from Australia.  One can bench-press a Prius.  Trust me, these women are going to be sending me gift baskets once a month.

JEN:  There's also the matter of us getting arrested.

CHARLOTTE:  We're not going to get arrested!  People do this sort of thing all the time.

JEN:  Pimps!  Pimps do this sort of thing all the time!  Pimps and madams.  I am not a madam.  I don't own a silk robe.  I don't drink out of a snifter.  I don't drape cloth over my lamps and play Sam Cooke for no reason.

CHARLOTTE:  Jennifer, we run a dating site.  People come to us desperate for love and attention.  They want someone to connect with them, to dig into their souls, and bring out their inner good.  And they're never going to find that because it's 2013 and people only care about themselves and whoever happens to be on the cover of Us Weekly so instead we're giving them hookers and gigolos.  We can either be romantics or capitalists who get laid by people who don't really love them, and I'm nearing forty so the latter is looking better and better everyday.  Now are you in, or are you out?

JEN:  Nothing you just said is true.  That guy Trevor I met on the site last month?  He and I have gone on three amazing dates, and I am not ashamed to tell you that last night, I had the best sex with him I have ever had in my life.  He was tender and gentle and ohmygodhesoneofthemisn'the?

CHARLOTTE:  You know, I haven't seen our waitress in hours.

JEN:  How could you do this?

CHARLOTTE:  Do what?  I just added them a month ago.  I was waiting for the right time to tell you.  I didn't think you'd have already gone through one of them by now.

JEN:  Is his real name even Trevor?

CHARLOTTE:  That's what he told me it was.  Trevor Hardbody.

(A beat.)

CHARLOTTE:  Okay, so maybe not.

JEN:  I will never forgive you for this.

CHARLOTTE:  You don't have to forgive me, but you do owe four hundred bucks.

JEN:  Four hundred bucks?!?!?  That's how much that guy is worth?

CHARLOTTE:  And he's one of the cheaper ones.

JEN:  That's crazy!

CHARLOTTE:  Is it, Jen?  Think about it.

(She thinks about it.)

JEN:  Okay, fine.  I'm in.

CHARLOTTE:  Really?

JEN:  Yes, but from now on--I get a company discount.

The End

Peter in Tribeca

She's not coming
Because she's pissed at me
Because I brought home that girl the other night
For, like, not even a sexual reason
But because, like, she told me she's into cleaning houses
Like, she gets off on it
And my place was filthy
So I had her clean it
So I guess it was sort of sexual for her
But it meant nothing to me

Anyway, now Tracey's pissed at me
And I'm like--
We're not even dating, Tracey
You just have sex with me whenever I want
And sometimes we get dinner afterwards
That's not a relationship
Like, we're not even friends
I mean, we are, I love her, she's awesome
But I'm not going to get involved with her, she's nuts

Oh my God, look at Foursquare
Like everyone I've dated is in there right
Tony, Tommy, Other Tony, Nick
I guess I have a thing for Italians

I shouldn't even go in there
Hey, let's, like, not go in there
Let's go to Chaz's place instead
He's doing this listening party
With his new CD
And that girl he knows
Who sings jazz
She's going to be there
Singing, or something
I don't know
But at least it won't be awkward
I mean, it'll absolutely be awkward
Because everything about what I just said is awkward
Because at least it won't be personally awkward
It'll just be generally awkward
For everyone involved

Oh my God
I can feel everybody judging me
And I'm not even inside the club yet

The thing is
When I know people are looking at me
I start to crunch down into a ball
Like a hedgehog
And I just sort of let people step over me
Until I feel like people don't know I'm there anymore
And then I crawl out the nearest exit

It's like a syndrome or something

We should have gone to Brooklyn tonight
I never date anybody in Brooklyn
So it's always totally fine

Except for it being depressing

But that's, like, everything nowadays

If I stopped going places in this city
Just because they make me sad
I'd be stuck at home all the time
Like Tracey
Or that girl who moaned for a solid hour
Just because I let her scrub my fridge

I'd be a freak

You can't live in this city without being depressed

The trick is to medicate
And to always find
The least depressing thing to do
On any given night
While at the same time making sure
That you're always doing something

If you can master that
You can live here forever

What You Do Well

The first movie I did
Was this really stupid
Romantic comedy

And it hit
It hit really big
And it was, like, okay--choices

I could do another romantic comedy
And risk everybody pigeonholing me
Or I could do something totally different

So I did a horror movie
And everybody said--
'Oh!  Why?  Do another romantic comedy!'

But I was like--Huh?
The horror movie made money
I mean, it made money...in Singapore

It didn't flop
Not really
It did well!--in Spain

Like, one of the top three movies of the year
In Spain
Top five in England

British people don't just love anything, you know
So I was like, 'No, I branched out
And I'm going to keep doing it'

So I did this really dramatic movie
And that tanked
I mean, I can't even spin that--it just tanked

And then I was sort of panicking
But I thought--No, it's okay
Comedy's your thing

That doesn't mean you have to make bad comedies
It doesn't mean you have to continue making
The same movie over and over again

So I made a dark comedy
And it bombed
Even bigger than the dramatic movie

So at that point, I'm thinking
Okay, enough screwing around
I'm going back to romantic comedy

If that's what they want
That's what they want
So I did a romantic comedy

But at that point
It just seemed desperate
Like--Oh sure, you're doing that now because it's all you CAN do

So basically
I was faulted
For doing what everybody wanted me to do
Because I did other stuff in between

How it works is
You find something you're good at
And then you either milk it to death
While people look on in disdain

Or you try different things
And people suggest you go back to doing what you were originally doing
So they can say you're milking it
And look on in disdain

When what it all really comes down to is
If you do something well
There's always going to be some asshole
Who doesn't do anything well
And wants to be pissed at you

I wish somebody had told me that
Three movies ago

A Murder in Providence: Day Four

Listen--no, listen to me

I mean--you want a sign?

You want some kind of sign
Other than this?

Is this not enough?

They killed a girl, okay?

Killed her
And dumped her in the river
Like she was nothing

That's what's going on here

Darkness, okay?
I told you
Darkness

It's, like, sucking up
This entire city

That's why you have to get me out of here

Just get me a bus ticket
Look, I'm already at Kennedy Plaza, okay?

I'm already here

I just need a ticket out

Fuck you, okay?

You're in New York
You're in Manhattan
LIVING in Manhattan
And you won't get me a ticket out of here?

What about loving me?
What about how that obligates you?

You left me here to die
So you could go to your fancy fucking school
In New York
In Manhattan

You didn't even take me with you
What does that say about you?
About how you treat people?

You're no better
Than whoever threw that girl into the river
In her fucking prom dress
Sick motherfuckers

I'm going to wind up like that
Floating face-down in a river
While you sit at your fancy fucking tables
In your fancy restaurants
Letting people serve you
And tell you how great you are

Everybody leaves
Everybody fucking leaves
And the rest of us
Have to fight for our lives
Or we get slaughtered

Kill or somebody chokes
The fucking life out of you
That's the choice

Those are the options

You gotta get me that ticket, babe
Okay?

You gotta--

Please

Please get me out of here

It's going to happen again

I know it is

And either it's going to happen to me or...

Hey babe

I gotta go

Anxious

You know, I'm just anxious

And people are all like--

Why are you anxious?

And I feel like saying--

Are you currently living in the world?

Are you currently a member of the pre-existing world?

And you feel you have nothing to be anxious about?

Do you not read?

Do you not watch television?

Do you not participate in the world-at-large?

I'm anxious because at any given moment

A comet could hit the earth

Or a car could hit me

Or I could be chased down the street by a wacko wielding a machete

Or I could just have a heart attack and die

Do you know that you are no longer too young to die of anything?

Because of the crap they put in food now

You can die of lung cancer without smoking

You can die of breast cancer without breasts

You can die of having a heart attack at age six

We can all die of anything and everything

And I don't really want to die

I'm depressed thinking about dying

And being depressed makes me want to die

But if I thought I wasn't going to die

I would really want to live

Isn't that awful?

I mean, that fucking sucks, right?

I'm anxious because I have no money

And people tell me I'm never going to have money

Unless I win the lottery

And if I do, I'll go back to worrying about dying

I can either live in the bad stuff and deal with that

Or have good stuff happen to me

And then worry about not living long enough

To enjoy the good stuff

Those are my options

And you wonder why I'm anxious?

Don't try to make me un-anxious, okay?

Don't try to make anyone un-anxious

Don't bother

Teach people to live with it

To live with the anxiety

If the sky turned black tomorrow, would you try to change it?

Or would you learn to live with it?

Would you say 'That's the sky now'

Can't do anything about it

Because you couldn't, right?

And you'd know that

You'd know that instantly

Think about that

Really think about it

Then see how good you feel