Twelfth Night

Beth used to hate doing Shakespeare

I mean, she hated it

It was always Beau’s thing

But it wasn’t hers

She understood business though

So she knew you had to do Shakespeare

To stay afloat

But she also knew

That you could really mess around with Shakespeare

And not have to worry

About whether or not it would sell…

Most of the time

Anyway, Beth and I were really close

And she always loved working with me

When she directed Shakespeare

Because we’d both come up with the most ridiculous ways

We could conceptualize it

I mean, we’d try to make it applicable to the story and everything

But when it came to the comedies

It was anything goes

People get so sensitive about that stuff

As if Shakespeare was the Messiah

But I always liked playing Chekhov better

Mostly because you get to sit on nice sofas

The entire time

But anyway, there we are

Working on the twelfth season opener

And the Board thought it would be cute to do Twelfth Night

And both Beth and I gagged

At the mere suggestion of it

Because by the time I was, oh, ten

I’d already seen about thirty productions of Twelfth Night

And so Beth had to beg me to do it

Then we’re goofing around one night during rehearsal

And I get all silly

And take my top off

During one of the scenes

Just as a joke, you know?

I always used to do that sort of thing

Back when I was alive

It always got a rise out of everybody

When I was young

I was always very aware of being young

Which is a gift

That awareness

That should be cultivated more in kids today

But don’t listen to the dead woman’s advice

Just listen to the story

I took off my top

And Beth loved it

I mean, she LOVED it

And said ‘We’re keeping it!’

So we did

We had a topless scene in Twelfth Night

It was really the first time Beth ever stepped somewhat out of the box

And she caught so much hell from it

There was this group of old subscribers

We used to call the ‘Merry Widows’

Who would keel over

If you so much as used the ‘f’ word

So you can imagine what they thought

About me romping around the stage

With my breasts on full display

They loved to complain

But they never gave up their subscriptions

They just bashed the play all over town

To teach us a lesson

They were always Beth’s biggest enemy

And I think it was because they didn’t like the idea

Of a woman being in charge of something

After Twelfth Night, they decided they wanted her out

And let me tell you something

If there’s one group you don’t want to make enemies of

It’s religious old white rich spinsters

Luckily, Beth didn’t scare too easy

I didn’t stay with the company much longer after that

I went to New York

To do edgier stuff

And ended up being a nude model

At an art school

I didn’t miss the Shakespeare

But I did miss Beth

She was one tough bitch

And coming from me

That’s one hell of a compliment