(VANESSA
and WARREN are in their kitchen.)
VANESSA:
All right. Let’s hear it.
WARREN:
A beagle.
VANESSA:
No.
WARREN:
What do you mean ‘No?’
VANESSA:
What do you mean what do I mean?
WARREN:
Vanessa—
VANESSA:
The answer is ‘No.’
WARREN:
You said you’d at least hear me out.
VANESSA:
And I did. And ‘No.’
WARREN:
Is it because I went with a beagle?
VANESSA:
It might be.
WARREN:
So you got a problem with beagles?
VANESSA:
I got a problem with dogs.
I got a problem with the fact that I’m going to be the one—
WARREN:
Ohhhh, here we go.
VANESSA:
--Walking it, and cleaning up after it—
WARREN:
That is an insult. You know
I’ll—
(She
shoots him a look.)
WARREN:
What’s wrong with a beagle?
VANESSA:
It’s too big.
WARREN:
Big!
VANESSA:
Yes.
WARREN:
It’s a beagle.
VANESSA:
Maybe if you put something smaller on the table—
WARREN:
Smaller than a beagle?
VANESSA:
Hey, you want the dog or—
WARREN:
Like what? A daschund?
VANESSA:
I don’t know.
WARREN:
Vanessa, I’m not going small than a daschund.
VANESSA:
Oh, you’re not, huh?
WARREN:
Smaller than a daschund and you don’t even have a dog anymore, you got a
gerbil.
VANESSA:
I’d consider…a poodle.
WARREN:
No.
VANESSA:
No?
WARREN:
No. We are not getting a
poodle.
VANESSA:
Why not?
WARREN:
We are not poodle people.
This is not a poodle family.
VANESSA:
What does a poodle family look like?
WARREN:
Like the part of the Kennedy family nobody talks about. Like whatever part Maria Shriver is
from—that’s what poodle people look like.
VANESSA:
You just don’t want a poodle because you think they’re girly.
WARREN:
Yup. I’ll admit that. They are girly. You want a poodle? Get a poodle. But I’m getting a Great Dane.
VANESSA:
A Great Dane?
WARREN:
Yup.
VANESSA:
And are you going to have a portrait of yourself commissioned to hang in
the hall? Maybe something with you
on a horse holding a sword while your Great Dane looks on in awe?
WARREN:
We’re supposed to be compromising.
VANESSA:
I want no dog at all and you want a Great Dane. What’s the compromise for that?
WARREN:
A beagle!
VANESSA:
You’re crazy.
WARREN:
It’s not a poodle.
VANESSA:
I think we’re done here.
WARREN:
A Gold Retriever?
VANESSA:
No.
WARREN:
A corgi?
VANESSA:
No.
WARREN:
A pug?
VANESSA:
Are you serious?
WARREN:
A collie. Last offer.
(A
beat.)
VANESSA:
Like Lassie?
WARREN:
…Yeah.
VANESSA:
…I like Lassie.
WARREN:
Everybody likes Lassie.
VANESSA:
…I’d be open to that.
WARREN:
To a collie?
VANESSA:
Yes.
WARREN:
Just because of Lassie?
VANESSA:
You going to get picky on me?
WARREN:
Nope.
VANESSA:
Good.
WARREN:
Hell, we can name the dog Lassie if you want.
VANESSA:
I like the name Princess.
WARREN:
Princess?
VANESSA:
Yes, Princess.
WARREN:
No.
VANESSA:
No?
WARREN:
No. If we have a dog, we’re
naming it Rocky.
VANESSA:
A collie named Rocky? Yeah,
okay.
(A
beat.)
WARREN and VANESSA: We’re going to have to talk about this.
(Lights.)
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