(A car being driven by STEVE MCQUEEN, badass, has been pulled over by a POLICE OFFICER. The OFFICER approaches the car.)
OFFICER: License and--Whoa!
STEVE: Hello Officer.
OFFICER: Oh my God!
STEVE: Please, it's--
OFFICER: You're Steve McQueen!
STEVE: Yes. Yes, I am.
OFFICER: This is--Wow, I am such a fan.
STEVE: Thank you. I appreciate it.
OFFICER: I've seen Bullitt--
STEVE: That's a good one.
OFFICER: --Numerous times.
STEVE: I really do, uh, appreciate your--yeah.
OFFICER: Gosh, I hate to sound starstruck, but uh--Do you think you could autograph something for me?
STEVE: Sure, of course.
OFFICER: Great. I have to get my pen to give you a ticket anyway. So I'll just see if there's any scrap paper in my--
STEVE: Wait--you're giving me a ticket?
OFFICER: Well, you were going thirty in a school zone, Mr. McQueen, so--
STEVE: No, I wasn't.
OFFICER: Yeahhhh, I'm pretty sure you were.
STEVE: I wasn't, officer. I definitely wasn't.
OFFICER: I'm sorry, but...are you saying you weren't speeding?
STEVE: Yes, that's what I'm--Yes.
OFFICER: You, Steve McQueen, weren't speeding?
STEVE: I--
OFFICER: Mr. McQueen, I'd hate to call you a liar, but--
STEVE: I really wasn't speeding.
OFFICER: --But I feel like I'm talking to a fish and he's telling me he can't swim.
STEVE: I wasn't going that fast.
OFFICER: Look, uh, Mr.--Can I call you Steve?
STEVE: I'd prefer it if you--
OFFICER: Steve--I see what you're trying to do here.
STEVE: You do?
OFFICER: You're trying to get out of a speeding ticket. And I get that--nobody likes getting a speeding ticket.
STEVE: It's not--
OFFICER: --And you're probably worried it'll be in all the papers or something, but don't worry--I won't say anything to anybody.
STEVE: Thank you.
OFFICER: But I do have to give you a ticket.
STEVE: But I wasn't speeding.
OFFICER: But you were.
STEVE: I wasn't.
OFFICER: You were.
STEVE: Officer--
OFFICER: Steve--
STEVE: Please don't call me--
OFFICER: Queenie--we're buds, right?
STEVE: No, we're not.
OFFICER: Are you going to let one measly little ticket ruin this polished public perception of you as a badass speed demon? I mean, it's just a ticket.
STEVE: But I wasn't speeding.
OFFICER: Can you imagine if THAT story got out? 'Steve McQueen Gets Pulled Over, But Then the Cop Lets Him Go Because It Turns Out He WASN'T SPEEDING.' First of all, who would believe that? Certainly not my boss. I'd probably get in a lot of trouble.
STEVE: But--
OFFICER: Second of all, people would be so disappointed in you, Steve. That you weren't speeding? That you were just following the letter of the law like any other Joe Schmoe?
STEVE: Officer--
OFFICER: Just pay the ticket, Mickey.
STEVE: Okay, Mickey's a stretch.
OFFICER: Don't tell people you were doing fifteen miles an hour. Even if it was in a school zone. Your legacy is more important than that. Say you were speeding. Pay the ticket. You can afford it.
(STEVE MCQUEEN sighs.)
STEVE: Fine.
OFFICER: Thank you. Oh, and your taillight is out. I'll go get my pen.
(The OFFICER exits.)
STEVE: I bet this never happens to Gene Hackman.
End of Play
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